You're not a kid anymore when........
You find yourself admiring a pair of pants at Sears.
You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
You buy shoes with crepe rubber soles.
The family Christmas party is held at your house.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
The only reason you're still awake at 4 A.M. is indigestion.
People ask what color your hair used to be.
You are proud of your lawnmower.
You can't sleep if the house is a mess.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
You start singing along with the elevator music.
You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
Your car must have four doors.
You enjoy watching the news.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.
You routinely check the oil in your car.
You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style!
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You worry whether you have enough insurance.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You write "thank-you notes" without being told.
8:00 A. M. is your idea of "sleeping in."
Neighbors borrow your tools.
Your biggest concern when dancing is falling.
You've recently said, "I can't hear myself think!"
You browse in the bran cereal section of the grocery store.
You tell the barber to comb it over the best he can.
Others ask for you recipes.
You yell at the paperboy for damaging your flower beds.
You send money to PBS.
You start Christmas shopping in August.
The bank sends you a birthday card.
You no longer run up stairs.
You paint the walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
You think a C.D. is a certificate of deposit.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You high school diploma is the color of buttermilk.
You tell people to call you collect.
Your Chihuahua weighs more than 25 pounds.
You seriously consider a burial plot.
You read the obituaries daily.
Digestion is a consideration when ordering a meal.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You point out what buildings used to be where.
You know which one is the soup spoon, and you use it.
You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You rake the yard without being made to.
You are alarmed by how young your doctor is.
You tie neckties for other people.
College students call you "ma'am" or "sir".
Your hair brush hurts your scalp.
You listen to only "talk radio."
Your eyebrows look like shrubbery and our wife's have disappeared.
You have a party and your neighbors never even realize it.
You can quickly find anything in your garage.
All your pants are dress pants.
You can't make any article of clothing look provocative.
You have to get a permit to light the candles on your birthday cake.
You drive the interstate and never leave the right-hand lane.
Comfort takes the place of fashion.
You floss your teeth.
The top of your pants is closer to your armpits than to your waist.
You dry-clean your blue jeans.
You plan vacations and stick to the plan.
The shopping mall is your fitness center.
All of the pictures on your walls are framed.
The neighborhood kids know that if they hit a ball into your
yard, they'll never get it back.
Your always asked to say the blessing.
You are obsessed with the thermostat.
The elastic is broken in your control-top pantyhose.
Your forehead is twice as long as it used to be.
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