Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not
switch positions with each other so there are still
two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than
you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at
videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance
is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be
such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on
our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't. 

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay

   off the furniture

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted

   son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all
   fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less,
   don't ask for money all the time, are easier to
   train, usually come when called, never drive your
   car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't
   smoke or drink don't worry about buying the latest
   fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
   gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
   pregnant, you can sell the results.