Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction
for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994
Federal Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these
are my children for years. They are evil and
expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors
and no longer my responsibility, the government
should know something about them
and what to expect over the next year.
Please do not try to reassign them back to me
next year and reinstate the deductions. They are
yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant.
Ask her!
I suggest you put her to work in your office where
she can answer people's questions about their
returns. While she has no formal training, it has
not seemed to hamper her mastery of any
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it's
wonderful that you will now be responsible for that
little expense. While you mull that over, keep in
mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the
moment, so you have the choice of appropriating
some Department of Defense funds to fix the
vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she
possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to teach her
the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of
overwhelming passion and ignoring us, safe sex.
This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite
relieved you will be handling this in the future.
May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn
Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this
one. His eyes are a little closer together than
those of normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day, if he is not
incarcerated first.
In February, I was awakened at three in the
morning by a policeofficer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were toilet
papering houses. In the future, would you like
him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT?
Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.
His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary
dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it.
You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a
few days of school after instigating a
food fight in the cafeteria.
I'll take care of filing your phone number with
the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his
friends have raging hormones. This is the
house of testosterone, and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home.
DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised
with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatable,
vehicles, or telephones.(They find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement.
Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp
and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure
this one is yours.
She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip
in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to
help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.
"Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the school
has dropped it.
But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself
for half the amount of the deduction that you are
denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible
parents (ask the other two).
She cannot speak English. Most people under
twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned
out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who
has her roll her r's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to hervoice. She wears hats
backwards, baggy pants, and wants one ofher ears
pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me,
but I am sure that you can handle it.
Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort
of "nests" in her room, and I think that it would be
easier to move the entire thing than find out what
it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is
only fair that you get to pick which two you will
take. I prefer that you take the youngest two; I will
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I
am free!
If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.
If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as
possible, as I have already increased the withholding
on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and
made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours truly,
Bob
Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated
his refund. |
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