Dear Dog and Cat,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain YOUR food. The other
dishes are mine and contain MY food. (Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate &food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food &dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl
up in a ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is
nothing but sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door
I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine
or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs or cats'
butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here; YOU DON'T.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or
daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Dogs and cats can be better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can
sell the results.
Pass this on to all your pet loving friends as well as those who
aren't...it's too cute not to share
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