-Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
-Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.
-How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss <st1:country-region><st1:place>America</st1:place></st1:country-region>?
-A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
-I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
-When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
-Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.
-Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
-Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
-Wouldn't you know it ... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.
-Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed in a federal building?
-Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"