I am angry June... but I'm not completely clear on exactly who I am angry at nor what I am most angry about.  There is so much to be angry about.

The painful part of being angry is I've never allowed myself to show my anger much over the years.  Except in private...when I'd throw a wale of a temper fit and bust things.  I'm not in a place where I can safely do anything like that without being heard.  And I just can't allow myself to let it out yet.  I do know I need to though, eventually.

I can't get angry at him right now...  it's not safe, financially.  So I keep things kept turned down, subdued...biding my time.  I can't afford to cross him in any way right now.  And I'm sure he is thinking the exact same thing...keep me happy and pacified so that I don't get mad and decide to skin him alive financially etc.  So we're pretty much playing cat and mouse with each other I'm sure.  At least I know I am.  And so instead of anger, I instead let myself feel pain, sorrow, and hurt.  Those are "safe" things to express...and won't cost me anything in the long run. 

My main long term goal is that no matter the cost... I refuse to allow myself to spoil things by doing or saying anything to make him choose to be the enemy in any way.  Mostly because I refuse to cost my children the priviledge of being able to enjoy time with us together on family occassions.   And if anything should change that... HE will be the bad guy that caused it, not me.  I'll bite my tongue till it bleeds to make sure of it if necessary.

I did get in a wonderful parting shot earlier in an e-mail exchange with him...