You don't  need to reply to this... I just need to talk it out, please.

 

It's Sunday, a wonderful sunny day, fixing to go to some near-by towns....and I'm missing you being here to enjoy it with.  

 

I know it's over, I know "we" are over, I know we no longer make each other happy, I know we no longer fit together, I know you've found others to date and be with and are interested in and happy to be with in all ways..  And yet, here I sit, thinking of you, missing you, crying, hurting, enduring the loss of the parts of "us" that were good.   I miss laying my head on your chest.  I miss feeling your arms around me.  I miss your touch.  I  miss your kisses. 

 

They say in the books that we need to "feel" our pain, and then we can release it.  I guess I've been doing that a lot the last month... and found I had a lot of repressed pain to let out... things I'd just buried I guess... turned things off and.... made myself numb to it.  It hurts terribly to feel the pain...to really experience it... the gut wrenching, want to throw up kind of pain.  And yet I want to go into my future healed, well, and whole.. and so I make myself feel it and cry it out. 

 

And from the process I'm finding something else.  As I feel it and release it, I'm also coming back "awake" in some way... the parts of me that I had made numb to keep myself from "feeling" are being exerienced and sensed and felt.  

 

In the past I had no idea what people were talking about when I would read their words to "imagine the feel, sight, smell, or taste".  I never could do that before.  Now I can.  And the first time that it happened to me... it was of you.   Your naked body. 

 

It almost frightened me because it was so REAL...you were so real.  I could feel your skin in my mind.  I could touch you in my mind.  It was as if you were in the room with me.  I was just laying in bed crying the other night....not really thinking about anything, just feeling the pain be released, and all of sudden...there you were.    My inner desires must have conjured you up. 

 

I didn't realise I had closed  off so much of myself, until my senses started coming back awake.   And the wonderful thing is, it's not 'imagination'... it's memory of all the physical senses that were experienced in the past ... real memory of you, of us together, how you felt to my hands when I'd touch you all over.  

 

Before that night, for years so much of my "memory" capacity was a blank... because I had my senses shut down to protect myself from the pain.  When we stop or block the pain... we stop and block the good stuff as well.  And so to feel the good feelings I had to be willing to feel the bad as well.  The realistic images I've had of you have been well worth the pain and tears.  I have them now to fill the empty physical places you no longer fill.  And I'm glad for that.   It means the "good" is not gone forever, the good is not lost.  And there was much good  Robin... so very good.  And I thank you for that.

 

As I said... I know we're over.  I'm not trying to start anything up.  I don't have in me the things you need to make you happy with a woman, not really.  We're too different.  I'm much too independent minded...and need time by myself too much to be able to make you happy.  You need someone to be with you more than I can be.  Yet, I'm human.    And on beautiful sunny days... I think of you...and then feel the pain of you not being here to enjoy the day with.   And then other times... so grateful to be here alone as well, uninterrupted, unstopped in any way to do the things I want to do.

 

Late the other afternoon I was on here and I felt compelled to stop and check the clock..thinking... "is it 5, I need to stop, he'll be home soon".... out of habit.  Even after being apart for all these months I still have the "recording" in me that I need to stop being "me" when it's time for you to come home.   And for me, that is what this break up is all about.  Deleting the long-recorded messages in my brain of the old need to make myself stop being me.

 

I'm going to Round Top today, and of course will be there again during their Spring show.... and will take you with me.  Our memory... our time of being happy together.   I'm grateful for the good memories.  I'm grateful that my memory of my physical senses are coming to life...keeping you real for me to have always.   You feel as good in my mind as you did in the flesh...your smoothness.  Every curve... your hardness..... all so real it's astounding to me.  

 

I love you.  I don't like some things, ... but I love you.  And I love the memories of your hugs, kisses and your touching me...of my touching you.   That alone however is not enough to make a happy marriage...(no matter how much you disagree.). 

 

So as you go forth with your new life, I wanted you to go knowing I am thinking of you, often, in a new and happy way...even through the tears.  And that while "we" got broken.... the parts and pieces that were good have been rescued and are saved forever in my mind and heart, and that I'm very grateful for them....for all the good times.    

 

God Bless you always,

Your loving friend,

 Laurie