BULLETIN!!!!!!!..
Stop the presses!
an update on the last issue....
..Robin called earlier and asked me out for Valentines Day! ...he said I'm his real Valentine and I'm who he wants to be with...
I was in total shock! ... he picked me over her! I just was not at all prepared for that to happen.
I even told him so...and with a few tears, told him I had already been prepared that he was going to be out with someone else... never imagined us being together.
I'm flabergasted...
It's been over an hour now...we talked for a while... and I'm still in shock thinking about it.
And I even told him there would be no sex, so that's been made clear.
He's talking totally different then he has in the past ... I could hear it in his voice. At one point I was talking about my camera and planning to take pictures of the country side, and the birds here at the apartment.. . and he says... "I'm enjoying listening to you talk about it"...
... wow..another shock for the evening. He was listening to me talk about my life.. and he was enjoying hearing what I had to say.
He's planning to write me an e-mail tomorrow. He apparently has been doing a lot of thinking, and comparing. Said he's been confused. He was going to try to say things on the phone and I asked him to write it out instead. He's a song writer, and does have a wonderful way with words... as I learned from past love letters over the last 30 years...and if he has anything good and wonderful to say, I want it in writing to have... for myself, and for the record as well.
I am so confused now!....but not in a bad way. I'm not going to throw away my new and better life I'm working on...no way.
It's just that I didn't have to think a whole, whole lot about what "I" want about 'us' ... since it was out of my hands so to speak by him choosing to date someone else.
And I know it probably sounds like I'm going backwards and being wishy-washy. But in truth... it's just the opposite. I'm full of new ideas for doing things DIFFERENTLY...that will maintain the new kind of life I choose for myself.
Like for one thing... it popped into my head this afternoon when telling myself the list of things I don't like about him, and don't like about living with him....like his mess... to just put my foot down and lay down the law about my expectations... which I've never done in 30 years! The new person I'm becoming said in my head... IF anything should be worked out... one of the mandates would be that I tell him he is basically a slob and he has to start doing his part to keep the house clean... I'm not going to do it all.
The old me never ever considered saying anything like that. The old me couldn't see the 'right' to say anything like that. But this afternoon, for the first time, the new me saw with crystal clarity the fact that he is indeed responsible for helping to keep the HOME clean.
I was kind of amazed that I was able to finally see that..and it felt good.
We're not getting back together this week, or this month...or next month either. I'm not moving back down there... I already decided that a long time ago. I'm here to stay. I've "sacrificed" my life for him for the last time. That part of our situation has not changed. And driving in the hills today re-confirmed it. I gave up my happy homes for him twice before...no more. I'm holding onto this life up here.
And in the end... we may not ever really get back "together"... like I said before... this is the "6th month"... and I knew this would be the month to make or break things... we've never made it past this one.
So...ya'll help me with this please!... over the next month point out to me things you think I'm overlooking ... keep me focused and headed straight FORWARD .... don't let me screw myself up!
My #1 Rule, my #1 goal for myself... is to not be "owned" in any way by him, (if we ever got back together permanently).
To not "revolve" my time and world and activities "around" him.
To maintain my total "separateness" as an individual..and be free of the old self that had no spine at all about things.
I'm just noW "getting" to that point of ..? is it anonymity..?.. or some word like that. '
A lot of things that were wrong... were because I was not a complete person in my own right. And he did not force me to be that way... I was that way on my own, from childhood.
My 'other' #1 goal in this... the danger that I see as possible... is that I don't want to fall back into the old habit of keeping my weekends free "for him"... waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for him to want to be with me.. waiting for him to dictate what I do and when and where, simply by his just being in my life.
** I want to still be free to come and go as I please on a whim some weekends... by mysef... which means I'll have to be telling him no on purpose sometimes...just to teach him that I'm not at his beck and call in any way. I can NOT let it become a case of me making plans on a certain weekend because he won't be coming up here.... that kind of thing!
So I've got to keep my "radar" on HIGH ALERT in this area especially.. and I know that going in. So ya'll keep after me about it please.
Am I excited? YES... I have a date for Valentines Day. A date with my husband.... who chose me over the other women he could have taken out. No matter what happens... wether 'we' continue... or not.... this is nice, and I'm going to let myself enjoy it. I feel honored. And I feel blessed.
I have prayed and prayed...and prayed...over the months... and told God point blank in my tears... that Robin is in His hands... that if He wants us together then Robin has to change...that I won't live with him the way he's been, and that He is the only one who can do any changes in him... it was up to Him... I was prepared to live my best life for God.. either way, alone or married. It didn't matter to me. I wasn't asking for it to be fixed ... but I was not rejecting the possibility either if God chose to work miracles in Robin. I had some standards set... and if God worked those out.. (without my telling Robin what to stop doing) then so be it.
And, I've got a resale business to run in the future, and books to write... and that will not change. That's become the essence of who I am.... and that is not going to be given up either.
Our chances of working on 'us'..and note I said "working on"... because nothing is automatic this time around .... majorly depends on how up front he elects to be about his dates etc. I will know by that.. how sincere he is about anything about us.
As long as I stay firm and resolute about the no 'full' sex thing... then it should be ok. I have C.R's cd firmly planted in my brain for sure... I'm not overlooking anything.. as in I'm not letting anything "slide".
Except the lasagne thing... he does not have to start liking lasagne...lol.
Like I said... I have my life here.
I'm in no hurry to do anything about anything one way or another. I've got my heels dug in here... we can date occassionally for months as far as I'm concerned.
This time around... it will not "automatically" go the direction he wants it to go. It will go that way... if it meets my criteria for my life ... and if I want to go that direction. No less.
Till the future gets here... I have a date for Valentines Day!.
..and I'm happy about it and am going to enjoy that.
. (unless something happens to change it...and he cancels..changes his mind about it/us.. etc.... and I'll be ok if it does..
.. I'm not THAT over the edge...lol..even though I might sound like it...)
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