.... this seemed appropriate enough...lol
No Sylvia.... I'm really not jealous. However... I am stupid for doing what I did!!...lol.
That's why I deleted it off of here, and also your specific mention of it in your reply. No more talk of what I did... please..
It will probably come back to bite me on my ass one day, but oh well...we have to do some things like that in life. Without risking...we'd never get anywhere.
Jealous, no ...honestly, ...Devious, coniving, sneaky...oh yes. 
..that's me.
And, a little hurt? , yes, of course. More than anything though ... I am determined to have proof of "truth" to protect myself from lies... and any other tricks that might be played.
He called me this afternoon.... missing me...just as I was headed out the door for my country drive. We talked for a while, because to be honest, I was missing him too today as well.... the main day of the week we usually had good times together.
I love my freedom, totally .... yet, not having someone to do things with occassionally, male or female... gets kind of difficult once in a while.
And I will be changing that soon, I will be getting out here and making girl friends to do things with, including the manager here. It's just taken me a while to be ready for that... and I about am now.
He said he thinks of me everyday.
The astounding thing about his call is that before he called I had just sent him a long e-mail... about thinking of him, missing him. Talk about our thoughts connecting along the way. I also talked about my getting better, healing from the pain and letting him know that even though things were broken between us, that in my healing I had started getting back in touch with the good memories...and that those were not lost... and that I was glad to have them.
That even though we were not right for each other, could not be happy with each other, and he had moved on to others... I was grateful for the good things. And I am.
I also told him that the other day I was on the computer and suddenly stopped writing... and said to myself... "is it almost 5..he'll be home soon..."....
I was amazed that even after being apart all these months now I still had the "programming" in me to stop myself from doing something "just because" he was fixing to come home. And I told him that was the main reason for our breakup.... that I had to learn to stop stopping myself from being fully me.
And as I was driving on the country roads earlier this afternoon ... it was oh so wonderful to be free to do that on a whim, at my leisure, at my choice. I'm not giving that up for anybody.
I told him in the letter that I knew I was not the type of woman who could really make him happy because I was too independent minded and needed and enjoyed alone time too much .. and he needs someone to be with him a lot.
Yet on beautiful Sunday afternoons like today.... the memories of doing things together come flooding back. And so I was glad when he called.. and I enjoyed talking to him. I am after all only human.
And I'm much more savy and wiser and stronger and mature than during the previous times we had separated and I went running back out of fear and insecurity. That ain't gonna happen.
I like more and more each day the person I am becoming... and I'm going to hold onto her with all my might. And I have God in my corner as well, so I know I'll make it to the finish line.
When I'm on the road like I was earlier... I am so deeply in touch with the "real" me... and when I'm driving along soaking up "life", my own desired life is in such clear focus. So I do still have my "bearings".... I know what I want, and I still want it, and I still intend to get it and to have it.
Am I a fool? No way.
I know exactly what he was "missing" more than anything. And heck, I miss it too...lol. In my newfound strength however... I am not near as gullible as I used to be...and am not able to be "played" like I used to be either.
And as I shared with Jeni... I know when he is 'giving' that it is really a means of him getting for himself something that he wants. He had the idea to come up here one weekend and we take a drive in the country together... and I agreed. Of course he then mentioned... "and I'd like to go to that store we went to last time that was closing just as we got there". See... there's something he wants. And I knew there would be when he suggested it. But, that's ok... 'cause that's the only "want" he is getting !
Yet having some nice company for a country drive is no problem with me. I said yes.. on my terms... because I wanted to. I did not at all feel "obligated", or "compelled" to do so. I didn't even answer instantly...I thought about it for a bit first before I said yes.... Now, THAT is a major big step for me, and I'm quite proud. 
Do I miss him sexually. Of course. He's the only man I can legally and morally have sex with.
Am I going to get it for myself off of him anymore?....no. Because I have too much pride and dignity to allow myself to be the "sex toy" on weekends, while he spends time with someone else during the week.
Like I've told him.... I won't stand for him being with another woman and treating her with respect and like a lady... by holding back or whatever... and then thinking of me as someone he can use for sexual gratification on the side.
And I know full well I'm responsible for drawing that line.. and I did the day I saw that CD signed... "
CR". That closed the door to my legs permanently... if you can forgive me being so blunt.
Talking to someone on the phone, having lunch dates... even an occassional night date... was one thing... and if it was only platonic, then I felt ok with myself to let myself enjoy my husband... which I have legal and moral right to anyway. Despite what he thinks, he's still my property in that area.
But when I found out there was 'more' going on... even if it did not involve intercourse...(as far as I know so far) ... then my conscience and self respect would not allow me to put myself out there like that anymore...no matter how much I might want it.
I just have certain hard-line standards for myself. Heck..I do not even want to date a man till after we're divorced. I just can't do that... in my way of thinking, it's cheating and wrong. And in my mind if he is doing anything physical at all with another woman...no matter how minor.. then he has broken his vows in my mind and he cannot have me in that way. He's lost his "right" to me is the way I see it. I'm not obligated to do any wifely duties. And boy does that freedom feel good..lol. Sex only by my choice the few last times we did it was so much more fun.
He asked me if I have a boyfriend! I laughed out loud and said, "Noooo...lol... I told you I don't intend to date till after we're divorced, and I meant it. The kind of person I am, it just isn't right for me. I can't do it. So I guess you could say, in a way, I'm still private property".
He said... 'well, we may not get divorced for a long while'. I just kind of chuckled and said...ohhhh?, o-kkkkk., and let it drop.
But in my head I was thinking.. hmmm, legally married...legally responsible $ wise. 
.
Who am I to argue with him about it. I don't need a divorce anytime soon... I've got it all right now. Ain't no reason to push it really. No skin off my back. Being married to him but not living together is easily doable on my part.
I'm the type who loves having proof. I love having truth ... for self-protection. It gives me the "power". And it protects me from being "played" and "used". Nope Sylvia... no sense of jealousy in my tactics at all. Believe me. Only self-protection. Thankfully, I'm no longer the insecure a child I used to be to feel jealous. Does it hurt... of course. It hurts in the sense that he was so stupid to do that to us...and so easily, and so quickly. And I cry when I hurt...when something is gone. But, men are like that, just as you say. He has his play toys... who puff him up in the ways he needs puffing. As long as I know what's really going on, I'm safe. And self preservation comes a close second to self protection.
Men love to have their 'secrets'... and to 'get away' with things if at all possible...without getting in trouble and without being caught and having to admit they did something 'wrong'. If it's not known about.. then they can go on seeing themselves as "right" in other peoples eyes. But if their secrets are known and exposed...they can't handle that at all.
As I've said before somewhere... I used to love watching that tv show called "Cheaters"... where they film a man cheating on his girlfriend or wife. And everytime they get caught it's the same angry reaction to getting caught...with no admittance at all of being wrong or guilty...lol... it's too funny to watch actually. And a very enlightening aspect of men's behavior also...how fast they can twist the subject...divert the direction of the talk...and how lightening-fast they lie, and can deflect away from the truth of their cheating. Amazing action on their part. Every woman should watch that show just to study the "lie tactics, and evasive tactics" all the men use with astounding ease.
OK... ooops..
.. I've written yet another long "pondering" chapter. Didn't intend to when I started.
The country side today was so so wonderful. And I found out about a concert hall in the town I went to... students go there and 'train' for playing classical music!!.... I'll being going to that... and a lot of other things in that town in the next couple of weekends. ..including a big city-wide garage sale. 
It's only about 30+ miles from here... an easy and pleasant drive. So I've got lots to look forward to.
Gosh I hope they get my cable hooked up soon!!! I'm starting to miss tv now. Enough is enough...lol.
Thanks to those who take time to read my ramblings...
as always.. it's never required.
I know like everything, it probably gets old after a while..lol. It just always helps to get all the thoughts out... and so much easier and faster than hand-writing everything in my journal.
Grace
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