Hang in there.  The good stuff is coming!!! 

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out because you have no idea how much I needed to hear those words up there that you wrote.

It's full moon week, plus this monday will be our 32nd anniversary... so it's a very emotional time and I've been pretty topsy-turvy to say the least.  I hurt so much on some days... and I wasn't at all prepared for there to be any pain.  I was too happy to be getting out in the beginning... so I never expected to feel any sorrow or sense of loss.  So I'm not handling it very well, even though when the tears subside and the dust settles I come back to my senses and know for sure that the divorce is the right thing for both of us.  Why does it hurt to lose someone you don't even want???   I totally do not understand that. 

He and I are both 55.. and he's dated some women in their 30's Sunny....  Do  you have any idea how old and washed up and unwanted that makes me feel....  I look in the mirror and see my old self looking back and I know that no man will ever love me or want me, because they are like Robin.. going after the good looking young things that make them feel like a new stud again.   Lucky for me I really enjoy being by myself.  I just never really faced being "old" before now... and it does not feel so good.  

Plus, I don't have any personality to offer a man.  I have no career or education, and just like Robin and I never had anything to talk about.. but him and his world.... I realised if I was to date, I have no ability to carry on a decent conversation with him.  No reason for him to be at all interested in me.  I'd be so terribly boring to him.   So... feeling a bit washed up and disposable these days in that department. 

It was ok until February.. when he said he changed his mind and wanted me back, he had made a mistake.  I was at a place I was willing.... and it allowed me to open up the parts of my feelings that I had totally closed off.  So that's why I'm hurting now.  I feel it all,  including the good things too.  But, one night when I asked him.. he confessed that he had slept with someone... so that made me hold back some... hoping to talk things out etc.  He wanted a quick fix, no answering for anything.... and so, after a little while, we ended up calling off the attempt to reconcile.  Had a most romantic Valentines night though... best in 32 years. Go figure. 

So...it's been a really, really rough last  few weeks... and my lease is up at the end of April.  My meal ticket that I've really enjoyed having is also over ... so have to go to work now.  And for the first time I'm looking at a life really and totally on my  own.   Good in so many ways.. but so scary in others.

So your words were like a word from God... a life raft thrown to a drowning person.  Who has been struggling to stay afloat. 

The tears have subsided now, I'm feeling calmer.   This is going to be a rough week for sure....