My Practice Place

I told him tonight on the phone that I want to come back home and try one more time.

He said no.

And I know you are wondering why on earth would I do such a thing???

Because..... after the last couple of days, I suddenly saw tonight that I've changed enough, and grown strong enough as an individual in the last six months to realise it really could be different, and better... especially with me working at the job down there that has already been offered me... and it suddenly hit me tonight that I wanted to try... "one more time". That's all.

I've always regretted that the separation took place without any effort on either side to discuss things first. And that it took place out of my depression and anger and menapausal / full moon / emotional state of mental mess.

And he implied from the very beginning that it was what he wanted as well, .... yet, he said it I tore him apart when I left.... and he didn't want to risk going through that again. He didnt' want to stay married. He wanted to go through with the divorce.

I cried almost the whole time... full of emotion.

He kept saying.. ."I don't think you can forgive and forget"... and I finally told him, to be up front and tell me what HE does or does not want... not what I can or can't do.... and that' s when he finally owned up that HE didn't want to try again.... at least not now. And when I asked him softly, and hesitantly if there was someone else... he said.. "Could be. But like I said before, I'm not going to answer anymore questions about that... ".

I cried and contemplated making the call for quite a while before I actually did it... trying to correctly gauge my thoughts, feelings, and motives... because I was determined not to do it for the wrong reason.... which would have been out of weakness, like in times past. And when I sifted through things and knew for sure I wasn't just "running scared" as in times past, I made the call, and left a message telling him how I felt. I was actually surprised he called back as soon as he did.

Before I called, I prayed to God and asked, no, begged Him, that if our getting back together was not the right thing then to please don't let Robin take me back. That that would be all the sign I needed.... and I got it.

Am I ok now?

Yes. Because, it really is true what I told him on the phone... I was not doing it out of any kind of fear, or doubt, nor weakness or insecurity.

And while it hurt to suffer the full consequences of my past actions, and the things I had written him... changing my mind back and forth... writing e-mails and saying things that hurt him.... I now feel a "peace". It's been done, the hand has been played.

Yes, I cried.... and I'll cry more I'm sure.

Facing our mistakes does not feel good... and paying the price for them does not feel good either. Hurting ourselves is always worse than when someone else hurts us. Learning the lessons from our own wrong actions is part of growing up, and I've always had my mind set on doing that over the last few years of my life.

Truth be told... he's been married to a very mentally unstable child for the last few years. And I totally understand his "take" on things.

The state of mind I am in now, after all these months of getting out of the mental fatigue and weariness I was in that drove me out in the first place,,,, us that before it really ended.... I owed it to myself, and him and my family to put myself on the line, and be willing to put forth the effort to "do it better, and do it right", as a more grown-up and mature woman, and not a needy, dependent child.

Too little, too late. And I'm ok with that. I laid my cards on the table, I walked in truth... (more so than him obviously, but again, he doesn't know what I know...).... and he folded.

I have not lost anything.

As I told him on the phone.... this time I didn't "need" to come back, and I wasn't wanting to come back out of any weakness or fear or anything like that. And as I was saying those words on the phone.. I felt so full of strength and confidence as I said them... no tears at all. Just an up-front declaration. And that felt good... because the words were totally true on my part. I am strong, and I have a life.. and I don't "need" to go back to him. And that inner realisation felt really good.

We can't always get what we want.

I've never been good with that life lesson. For most of my life I did whatever it took to get what I wanted, one way or another. (most often by aiming low enough to make sure what I wanted was within reach of getting).

This time... I did not.

And the personal growth I'm celebrating from tonight's experience, is that I'm ok without getting what I wanted! I can handle it.

And I finally "get it"... that life is still going to be ok when I don't get my way.

It's not the end of my world when things don't go my way. All my life, my inner child fought that truth tooth and nail.... in total terror of not getting her way about something. Deep pain was always felt. I always felt so shattered when things would not work out 'right'.

I don't feel that. I'm ok.

I do believe I really did "grow up" tonight, for the first time in my 55 years on this earth. And I'm proud of all I have been through, and all the personal inner work I have done that got me to this place.

I'm ready to go "forward" now... as a changed person, and I'm ready to live life differently now, as an adult.

A lot of the things "wrong" in Robin, and in my marriage.... were my doing. Not my 'fault' ... but my doing, by my being a weak/needy child and not handling things in a mature, grown-up way.

A lot of his "faults".... while real,... did not have to be as "bad" as they were, if he had had a grown woman to have an adult relationship with. He pretty much didn't have a "wife" in many ways. Not really. And that was never his fault. He didn't force me to be an immature, needy child. He didn't use force to deny me the ability to 'grow up' and be strong. I did that to myself. He had his own areas he needed to 'grow up' in also... and both of us hindered the other person's growth in one way or another over the years.

So.... now, I have a job down there if I want it. And I do. I want to move back down there.... and be close to my daughter and Ethan as well.

I can handle living down there. Even if he re-marries, which I know he will. I'm ok with that. When I left, I ran away... and I left in fear. I don't have any need to live that way anymore. I don't feel that way anymore. There isn't anything there for me to be afraid of. And, he said he would be perfectly fine with me living down there...it wouldn't bother him, and he knew Ethan needed me.

The job I was offered is at the teacher-supply store that I love so much. When I was talking to her Wednesday she said I could start that day...lol. Pay me every week or even every day,.. she would hire me as a 'contractor' and pay me in cash. Which would be really nice.

But the best part of it all... I'd be learning from her how to run a retail business, and I'd get educated on suppliers, how to order merchandise... and everything else I need to know to one day run my own business. I'm "ready" to work there... the thought of it feels really good. The strong and confident person I am today... is ready to work there. She wanted to hire me back before we moved into the house, and I was not in the right mental frame of mind for it then.

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