I told him tonight on the phone that I want to come back home and try one more time.
He said no.
And I know you are wondering why on earth would I do such a thing???
Especially after that last post up there...
Because..... as all the emotions kept bubbling to the surface today, and after the last couple of days, and facing the "end"... I suddenly saw myself in a different way tonight,... and realised that I've changed enough, and grown strong enough as an individual in the last six months to realise our relationship and marriage really could be different, and better... especially with me working at a job down there that has already been offered me... and thinking about it all, it suddenly hit me tonight that I wanted to try... "one more time".
That's all.
I've always regretted that the separation took place without any effort on either side to discuss things first. And that it took place out of my depression and anger and menapausal / full moon / emotional state of mental mess.
And he implied from the very beginning that it was what he wanted as well, .... yet, he said it I tore him apart when I left.... and he didn't want to risk going through that again. He didnt' want to stay married. He wanted to go through with the divorce.
I cried almost the whole time... full of emotion.
He kept saying.. ."I don't think you can forgive and forget"... and I finally told him, to be up front and tell me what HE does or does not want... not what I can or can't do.... and that' s when he finally owned up that HE didn't want to try again.... at least not now. And when I asked him softly, and hesitantly if there was someone else... he said.. "Could be. But like I said before, I'm not going to answer anymore questions about that... ".
I cried and contemplated making the call for quite a while before I actually did it... trying to correctly gauge my thoughts, feelings, and motives... because I was determined not to do it for the wrong reason.... which would have been out of weakness, like in times past. And when I sifted through things and knew for sure I wasn't just "running scared" as in times past, I made the call, and left a message telling him how I felt. I was actually surprised he called back as soon as he did.
Before I called, I prayed to God and asked, no, begged Him, that if our getting back together was not the right thing then to please don't let Robin take me back. That that would be all the sign I needed.... and I got it.
Am I ok now?
Yes. Because, it really is true what I told him on the phone... I was not doing it out of any kind of fear, or doubt, nor weakness or insecurity.
And while it hurt to suffer the full consequences of my past actions, and the things I had written him... changing my mind back and forth... writing e-mails and saying things that hurt him.... I now feel a "peace". It's been done, the hand has been played.
Yes, I cried.... and I'll cry more I'm sure.
Facing our mistakes does not feel good... and paying the price for them does not feel good either. Hurting ourselves is always worse than when someone else hurts us. Learning the lessons from our own wrong actions is part of growing up, and I've always had my mind set on doing that over the last few years of my life.
Truth be told... he's been married to a very mentally unstable child for the last few years. And I totally understand his "take" on things.
The state of mind I am in now, after all these months of getting out of the mental fatigue and weariness I was in that drove me out in the first place,,,, us that before it really ended.... I owed it to myself, and him and my family to put myself on the line, and be willing to put forth the effort to "do it better, and do it right", as a more grown-up and mature woman, and not a needy, dependent child.
Too little, too late. And I'm ok with that. I laid my cards on the table, I walked in truth... (more so than him obviously, but again, he doesn't know what I know...).... and he folded.
I have not lost anything.
As I told him on the phone.... this time I didn't "need" to come back, and I wasn't wanting to come back out of any weakness or fear or anything like that. And as I was saying those words on the phone.. I felt so full of strength and confidence as I said them... no tears at all. Just an up-front declaration. And that felt good... because the words were totally true on my part. I am strong, and I have a life.. and I don't "need" to go back to him. And that inner realisation felt really good.
We can't always get what we want.
I've never been good with that life lesson. For most of my life I did whatever it took to get what I wanted, one way or another. (most often by aiming low enough to make sure what I wanted was within reach of getting).
This time... I did not.
And the personal growth I'm celebrating from tonight's experience, is that I'm ok without getting what I wanted! 
I can handle it.
And I finally "get it"... that life is still going to be ok when I don't get my way.
It's not the end of my world when things don't go my way. All my life, my inner child fought that truth tooth and nail.... in total terror of not getting her way about something. Deep pain was always felt. I always felt so shattered when things would not work out 'right'.
I don't feel that. I'm ok.
I do believe I really did "grow up" tonight, for the first time in my 55 years on this earth. And I'm proud of all I have been through, and all the personal inner work I have done that got me to this place.
I'm ready to go "forward" now... as a changed person, and I'm ready to live life differently now, as an adult.
A lot of the things "wrong" in Robin, and in my marriage.... were my doing. Not my 'fault' ... but my doing, by my being a weak/needy child and not handling things in a mature, grown-up way.
A lot of his "faults".... while real,... did not have to be as "bad" as they were, if he had had a grown woman to have an adult relationship with. He pretty much didn't have a "wife" in many ways. Not really. And that was never his fault. He didn't force me to be an immature, needy child. He didn't use force to deny me the ability to 'grow up' and be strong. I did that to myself. He had his own areas he needed to 'grow up' in also... and both of us hindered the other person's growth in one way or another over the years.
I know what I know .... about both myself and him, and I can now accept the end with peace, and dignity, and no regrets on my part.
I'm ok with it ending... because I now know I have what it takes to make it work,... and I also have shown I have the guts and strength to be willing to do the work, .. for the right reasons .... and I was capable of being honest about my mistakes and feelings and to forgive and forget and try again.
It is not ending because I "threw it away" on a childish whim. And knowing that makes it possible for me to now be able to hold my head up high, and not feel any regret or shame about anything... most especially, my self.
It ends now ... with me able to feel ok with "me". I messed up, screwed up, and grew up in the process. I count that all as gain, not loss.
So...now.... I will decide wether to stay here another six months, or move back down there. I have a job waiting for me. And he said he's totally ok with me living down there also. And I no longer feel any fear about anything connected with my living down there. Not even seeing him with her. The thought of it doesn't bother me.
However... it's also not "necessary" for me to move down there. I have freedom and flexibility about it all...
If I choose to stay here, I can see Ethan more often by going to his dad's... and I can drive down there occassionally to see my daughter as well... so moving there isn't a "must".
The job however at the teacher supply store would be great for me... including getting the training that will enable me to run my own store later. Not to mention a possible good future customer base as well in meeting the teachers that shop at the store. And it would be so much better than working at Walmart. Straight days, closed on Sundays... privately owned store, the owner would be my boss, ...known her for a while now from shopping there, a relaxed fun atmosphere, total flexibility.... all that is missing is some place to live.
So... lots to think about.. and do this month. Stay or go.... I have got to get this mess I've created cleaned up. I know the 'direction' I'm going to go "work wise" now.. and so much of the stuff I have here that I would use setting up a 'home office'... I don't need right now. And it is going to get repacked better, and go back to storage. I'm going to be focusing on putting much of everything here into storage and just have the basics. Even if I stay, I will work a regular job and not mess with all the other for a while.
What a day, what a night. I do believe I will sleep really well tonight. It's been a long 6 months... and yet again, I can say I've made it though in 'victory'.... a personal growth victory. And from the beginning... that has always been my main and #1 goal of it all. So I have accomplished what I set out to do in myself when I moved out. And I'm proud of myself for that.
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