I am getting so so much better. More well with each passing day.
And after the last 4 years of my life... that is an amazing thing to be able to say.
I'm ok with being divorced.
I love living by myself.
I love being free to "own" my self, and my life.
I am fully aware of all his faults, and his narcissism,
and how being married to him in time only really creates unhappiness.
I know I'm better off without him.
Yet.... I still get caught with 'feelings'....
and the tears come... although, thankfully... not the pain anymore.
And when it happens, my first thought is .. 'I still love him'...
....and then I stop myself with a few specially chosen reality inducing memories...that cut it off.
I have started to ask myself ...
Is it really love I am feeling in the "now"...
or is it just a "memory" in my brain of the love that used to be?
It happened just now... as I came across this photo below on my personal group when I was looking for a photo of another member.... all of a sudden I came across this photo, I saw us... I saw him...it triggered the feelings from when we were a happy family... and the tears started softly flowing...and I started to go down that road... "... I still love him and miss him...." .
And then I put the brakes on.
I think of people who are amputees.... isn't it called ghost feelings when
they think they feel a leg that is not there..?
Could it be that kind of thing...?
I do have lots of wonderful love I'm capable of giving.
And so I very well do have "love" feelings inside me.... however...
There is no reason for me to give it to someone who does not give it in return.
I know that with my head.
My heart, my emotions keeps wanting to go down that old familiar path...
I need something to give them the message that that road is
"Closed.. Dead End...No Longer Travelable"
How do I do that?
This photo was taken at my daugther's birthday party at a restaurant.... I'm standing...in the middle with the sleeveless black top. This was taken maybe 3 years ago.. but amazing, after a variety of hair changes I look just like that now again... except a wonderful 25 pounds thinner. My daughter is seated in front of me...
It still at times hurts that what was "good" is gone... like what I saw here.
The memory that there was not a 'lot' of good... for me personally, helps to pull me out.
How do we get the love out for good?
...even when it may be just a memory.
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