Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying through the air. The His back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done that before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold."

"I was in agony, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose so thought at least I would at least leave my mark on him,"  "With my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own knackers!"

A 6th grade science teacher,asked her lass, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!".

She then sat down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again:
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy.", then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

Firstly, you have a dirty mind.
Secondly, you didn't read your homework.
And thirdly, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!

 

A Somalian arrives in Auckland as a new immigrant to New Zealand . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you, Mr.Kiwi for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Samoan.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in New Zealand!'

The person says, 'I not Kiwi, I Pakistani.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful New Zealand!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Kiwi!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Kiwi person?'
She says, 'No, I am from Fiji!'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the New Zealand people?'

The Fijian lady checks her watch and says ... 'Probably at work.'

While on her morning walk, Helen Clark falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at her nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat her in time.

So her soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Clark.

"I'm sorry .. But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and he goes down, down, down
...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds herself in the middle of a lush golf course.
The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Norm Kirk and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped her out over the years --- All of the Labour Party leaders were there .. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet her, to hug her and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Clark with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Helen!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Clark, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, girl. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"

Clark takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like herself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the Bill Of Rights Act and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before she realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as she steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Clark is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. She doesn't see anybody she knows and she isn't even treated like anyone special!
"Whoa," she says uncomfortably to herself. "Geoffry Palmer never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Clark reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Clark and puts an arm around her shoulder." I don't understand," stammers a shocked Clark, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

 

Prime Ministerial candidates Helen Clark, John Key, and
Winston Peters were flying to a debate.

Helen looked at John, and said, "You know I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

John shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I could throw
ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Winston added, " I could throw one hundred $10 bills out
of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said
to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all
three of them out of the window and make 4.3 million people very happy."

But seriously, who would you vote for? ………………�?.

………�?.

………�?.

………�?.

………�?.

The pilot, of course!

 

 

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL,'

YOU CANNOT MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YA HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

Be warned:

 

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to The Warehouse has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

 

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful......P.S. The Warehouse are selling wallets for $1.99 each.

 

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it. <o:p></o:p>

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key...' <o:p></o:p>

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' <o:p></o:p>

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
see any.<o:p></o:p>

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are
too high.' <o:p></o:p>

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in. <o:p></o:p>

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off'. <o:p></o:p>

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. <o:p></o:p>

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it. <o:p></o:p>

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. <o:p></o:p>

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' <o:p></o:p>

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ''Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' <o:p></o:p>

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a
look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?''No, because he's really heavy' <o:p></o:p>

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.' <o:p></o:p>

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! <o:p></o:p>

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. <o:p></o:p>

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.' <o:p></o:p>

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin. <o:p></o:p>

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The
other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!' <o:p></o:p>

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off. <o:p></o:p>

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.' <o:p></o:p>

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore' <o:p></o:p>

23. <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Ireland</st1:place></st1:country-region> 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night <o:p></o:p>

XD  wallet one  made me smile, i lost  mine  the other week, wasnt  happy  at the time. =P   wondering  when ill get  my car  cleaned now =D

I have been looking at all the cars on the road and was thinking about getting a new one.  I would like some advice as I have seen a few that I would like to buy but don’t know where to get them from.

They are usually driven by people in suits and don't have indicators as standard. They have the lenses fitted but I'm guessing you have to put your own bulbs in and by the amount of owners that haven’t put the bulbs in I’m guessing they are pretty expensive.

The cars must be made of titanium or other recently discovered material, as the owners that I have seen must have been shown that they are indestructible by the way they drive them, ie pulling in front of a fully loaded artic where there is only just enough room for the artic to stop let alone fit two of these types of cars in - plus this indestructibility seems to give you the option of leaving it until the very last nano-second before pulling off the motorway, as the automatic position sensor that must be fitted in the rear bumper will let you get within 30mm of the trucks bumper before crossing the hatching at the junction you need.

Also, apparantly by flashing their lights at you actually should give your rig more speed on country roads.  Does this actually work or is there a switch in most truck cabs that I need to flick and turn on the mirror sensors or something, I have been looking for a while now but still can’t find it and it isn’t in any of the wagons manuals that I have looked through.

These cars seem to be usually in the shape of a Mercedes, BMW or Lexus.

Does anybody know where I can get one as there seems to more and more of them on the roads, but every time I ask in car show rooms for the ultimate indestructible car with all the sensors they just look at me blankly!

If you know where I can get one, please post a link!

A story by a man who was standing in a queue at Countdown in Napier........

 

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of pedigree in Countdown and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time - but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

 

Stupid woman.........why else would I buy dog food?

 

hahaha!    bet  she felt stupid!

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned
pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to
identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had
always done everything together.

 

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician
pulled back the sheet. Cooter said, 'Woooah, his
face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him
over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter
said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

 

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So
he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of
the body.

 

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's
pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The
mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it
ain't Bubba.'

 

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two arseholes.'

 

'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.
'Are you sure?'

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to
say, 'There's Bubba with them two arseholes. '