New Rules for 2006


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already
know what the captain of thefootball team is doing these days:
mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a
human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost
less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress
would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're an idiot all right.

New Rule: Women, Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of
your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting, yeah right. What's next, competitive farting?
Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex
a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's another version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese!