My Will and My Life
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There was a time not long ago while seeking an inward knowledge of myself, and attempting in my half-witted way to obtain some clarity about my personal being within this Universe, when I made a conscious decision to seriously commit myself to an interesting task, in a certain program, where it is asked of me very straightforwardly to turn my WILL and my LIFE over to "a higher power of my understanding". This I've tried most vigilantly and honestly to do. However looking within myself, I just couldn't bring my heart to accept any such thing, no matter how I turned the Universe over in my mind. I actually found it repulsive to think of some entity with obscure purpose somehow responsible for, or overlooking my existence. I also thought on the so called "soul", and have found it a source of great discomfort to imagine one could actually believe that they were to go on in existence, if one lived in accordance to "good" human morality, to some higher plane, evolving beyond this dimension to a never-never land of blissful infinity. This to me is a hard conceit of the ugliest form. Why dose the sentient being insist on its importance in the Universe, desperately grasping on to any and all concepts of further experience in the unending beyond? Why indeed, and so on went my thoughts, though these meager ponderings, needles to say, haven't helped me at all to give myself up, or to surrender myself to much of anything.
Perhaps I’ll never get it, and maybe this SURRENDER is somehow a necessary part of becoming a whole person - or maybe it isn’t - but for me at that time it was simply a desirable undertaking I've meant for a while to explore, and possibly even accomplish. I mean hay, other people seem perfectly capable of achieving this state of being, this inward spiritual understanding of a higher power, and an honest surrender to it, I didn’t see why I also couldn’t with vigilant effort be able to follow suite. Knowing that my first step towards this goal must be to open up my mind completely to the Universe, to think and feel out - to know in my heart just exactly what it is I perceive a "higher power of my understanding" to be - I began pondering... But I've reached a critical snag: I must take a leap of FAITH at Infinity.
Infinity is a concept, I feel frustrated to admit, that one can only be utterly in tuned with or not - "take it or leave it", as they say - and so further discussion of its particulars is most probably an exercise in redundancy, though I’m sure that like every other mind newly arrived at this juncture in their self seeking, I also can't help myself but try. Personally I find the metaphysical nature of infinity exasperating, because in any inner or outer search I have ever made for it’s palpable understanding in my mind, there has always been the unanswerable awaiting me at the end: the place where science and religion meet, and have nothing left to say. Maybe a mind rooted too deeply in a physical dimension may never grasp the whole truth of infinity, which is so very abstract and transcendental in nature. Perhaps the two mediums, though coexisting symbiotically, are in actuality very fundamentally incompatible: Thought, and Time-Space.
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"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one."
~George Bernard Shaw~
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So morally then my dilemma became a question of exactly what it is I want to choose as a power higher then myself, which I would then also want to surrender my will and my life to. Morally I just couldn’t abide myself to choose a thing of “intelligence�?for a higher power, whose very arguments for existence are all rooted to invented logic based in mythological fantasy anyway. No, I’m thinking more like the Chaos of Nature. Chaos has always been as spiritually close to something “right�?as I could get a feeling around... yes, Chaos indeed, I really like that one. But doesn't every single particle, and every possible force follow some sort of guideline or "rules" in this existence, and dose that then not imply direction; and then from direction do we not derive purpose, and so therefore are thrust back to the enigma of some governing entity imposing "will" again? Of course I'm still exploring, and I really haven't got the conviction of belief to express my feelings properly along this train of thought, but in order for me to surrender myself to the Chaos of Nature, I feel I must entirely give up any concepts of "will" or "purpose", to accept the meagreness of the being I am in this Universe, and the mundane existence I own within it. I'm not but a chemical fluke in time-space... or so it seems to me. I must accept my feelings for what they are, without any “reasons�? without will or purpose, and yet I must still surrender myself completely to a “power�?higher then myself somehow. But doesn’t everything else in the Universe seem like a power higher then myself if I think about it, what can I choose?
Perhaps some other cosmic force like Benevolence, or Love? Love is definitely something I can tangibly feel which is infinitely more powerful then I am - as are some of my other emotions - and if Love is an entity in this Universe I can grasp with my mind, which I can feel and distinguish as a possible choice for something of higher power to give over my will and my life to, then so is Humour �?is it not? Maybe I can give my will and my life over to the great punch-line in the sky�? Surely everywhere in the Universe sentient beings experience the same metaphysical tendencies in accordance with the nature of their beings, but maybe the divine comedies that be have made a very hilarious joke when equipping our strange brains with such intellectual strivings and efforts as to the likes of these�?SPAN> [Giggle] Yes I’m sure of it. To me the laughter of the Cosmos resonates throughout, and itself transcends natural physics, as any higher power will, for it is done by my reckoning without any known "purpose" whatsoever. I wonder now if I’m finally able to release myself to the hilariousness of "I", giving up my will and my life to whatever the Chaos of Nature might have in store, do you think then that I've accomplished the surrender which was so earnestly asked of me by this task? Could it be that simple? But the funny thing about that is, it seems to me I’ve already long ago done all that letting go to the Universe without even thinking about it�?/FONT>
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"Life isn't about finding yourself... Life is about creating yourself."
~George Bernard Shaw~
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The Earth in Her entirety can easily be seen as a single complex organism, a living ball in space, and all life upon Her a unique and integral part of the living whole, (this is similar to the expressions in the Gaia religion, but to me it’s more like a dumb force taking the path of least resistance in its growing and flourishing nature, just as a crystal might grow, or as bubbles form, or the wondrous complexity of a single snowflake). So when I expand this thought outwardly and apply it to the entire "living" Universe, our world again being a single living unit within the sum of ALL things, I can perceive the "Chaotic Cosmos" itself in all its fantastic infinity as a power far greater then myself, though also OF myself, and one that is worthy of giving up my will and my life to�?SPAN> For this I don't even have to change any of my heart-felt core understandings, because my mind itself, exactly as it is, is a product of "the great existence", and therefore a unique and necessary part of its whole. That the infinite Universe is a kind of living, breathing entity, I now have no doubt, for I’ve come to understand how the components of our Universe’s structure, bonded together by the forces on this Dimensional plane, have all conspired somehow to form themselves in such a way as to create a comprehension in themselves that they themselves are actually able to look in at themselves, perceive themselves, and see themselves as beautiful. So therefore, the very particles and forces of this grand Universe �?which are all probably a part of, and made from, exactly the same "stuff" anyway �?which have formed together right here to make up the body and mind of my very own personal being, have indeed then looked in at themselves, perceived themselves, and seen themselves as actually having some sort of a “faith�?
From the absolutely earliest Big-Bang there ever was (or whatever "beginning" you might choose), and all throughout the long cooling and clustering of so many atoms to form so many kinds of anomalous patterns and strange biospheres like our own, right up until now, to all the sentient life forms existing in this very moment today, there has always been a steady progressive natural evolution toward an ambitious consciousness in the Universe enthusiastic to "become". Perhaps other folks might say that we are “aiming�?towards a possible "goal" hidden from us by some strange divine obscurity, though I truly doubt this myself. Consciousness is a relative thing to me: for much as a plant will turn towards the Sun with an instinct that goes far deeper then its molecules would imply, so the sentient being too will insist that it is CONSCIOUS, using the only available tools that it was given, inventing things like "god" and "purpose" for itself in an effort to turn towards some fundamental Light well beyond its limits of perception, and far, far removed from the simple self-impressible tricks it performs such as metaphysical realization, or philosophical thought. Every particle in our beings has at one point or another been a part of the very same cosmic masses which have also made up the fabric of every Sun, Commit, Planet, Black-hole, and everything else in this Universe, real or imagined. Every Energy or governing law embracing every single particle affectionately together in the great infinite hall of this Universal dance, is precisely identical in nature to the working dynamic of our very own "souls". For that we are the Universe incarnate, and that all our ideas and feelings are the Universes own, there is no doubt. She is in earnest striving to express Herself, and therefore we are here. But to me we are here only as a statement of fact, not with any purpose, or even with any valid answerable question which actually exists. We are as aware as the Universe is aware, or in fact as un-aware as the Universe is indeed un-aware, or at least in my opinion, because for me “awareness" is also a dumb, blind thing, like life itself, taking the path of least resistance in order to exist, and the enigma of its "reality", the truth that awareness is actually an illusionary cocoon wrapped around itself to make itself "feel" as if it were actually "there", is the joke of all jokes in the cosmic comedies that be.
Can you hear the laughter? Can you hear it resounding in the echo of the very first Big-Bang?
Balance, Harmony, and the sound of one hand clapping,
~Kuyotí~
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"The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness. Although the two are identical twins, we, as a rule, view the pre-natal abyss with more calm than the one we are heading for at some forty-five hundred heartbeats an hour."
~Vladimir Nabokov~
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