I understand what you are saying Levi :)  I agree with parts of Niddy, Love, and your answer.  Honey does not have the pain I do but he does know what pain is.  He is understanding and compassionate.  I understand your guilt from how you were but you did the best you could with what you had at that time.  To look back with the knowledge you have now and say you were wrong is unfair to you.  I wonder if you did not believe in such pain because at that time it was so far out of reach of what you knew?

Mega hugs :)

Smile :)