I had a most wonderful thought after I went back to bed earlier this morning. I sat there thinking for a bit, and also read my bible for a bit....
And as I thought some more about getting that table, chair, and carpet.... it dawned on me what I have been doing in the process of my keeping on going back and getting more things from the house.... little by little....
I got my life back.
I got me back.
I took all of 'me' out of that house.....
....and all that is left there is him. His messy, screwed-up self.
I did not cook 3 meals a day, I did not dote on him non-stop and make him feel like king of his castle......
however, I put my heart, mind, and soul into the family and the home.. I gave all of my Self away to them... and all he had to do was reap the benefits of it all, with no work on his part.
Everything I gave.... all the "me" that was in the 'things' I chose to decorate with, that I used to make a home for him and the kids... I took back. I put my soul into those choices... I put my Self into our home everytime we moved here or there.....
I took it back.
I reclaimed ownership of me through the act of not leaving any semblance of me in that house for him. It's a barren, dull, lifeless, cold, messy, hollow place.... because underneath all the smiles and charm and sweet talk... Robin is a barren, dull, lifeless, cold, messy, hollow person.
He is not spending any time at the house... because to do so means he has to face himself. I'm not there anymore. There is not anyone else for him to see there but himself... reflected back to him in stark reality and truth... and it is not a pretty picture.
When I took my round table back for myself, when I took that old rocking/swivel dining chair that I loved back for myself, when I yanked up the section of carpet off the front porch that I needed and wanted..... the very last things of 'me' there.... I took back my soul from that place, and from him, and from our past years.
I gave me back my Self..... all of my self.
And I have not felt this good and at peace with myself in a long time now...
For the first time in years.... I feel whole. I feel complete.
I have all of me in my possession again. And I like how it feels.
The broken pieces, have been put back together, and I am whole again.
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