Our marriage will be over tomorrow.
My heart breaks over and over each time I think of it... of what you have thrown away.
But then, that has always been your way hasn't it.... just toss out what is no longer of interest or use to you. Kind of like that day you got so furiously angry and threw your mother's antique chair in the carport. No regard or respect for past history, or past value, or past service.
Just like all your mother's old things.. you have elected to just toss me as well. All the good I have done, all the past hours and years of self-sacrifice... mean nothing to you. I have no 'value' in your mind or heart or eyes anymore. In your mind and heart nothing about me was deemed worth keeping. I became a throw-away. I often wonder if you will you think of me this Father's Day...will you remember all the work I did to give you a wonderful Father's Day last year? Probably not. Over the years I gave a lot to you and for you ... it just was never enough.
I have to answer just a few things about your list, and then all will be finished between us.
Your list hurt me. What hurt was the total disregard of "why" I was the way I was. All the "assuming" you did.. with no desire to talk it out, see if anything could be fixed or changed.. or at the least, understood.
I have told you over, and over and over.. and over... ever since our move to Austin I have been in various degrees of a mental state of depression.
Robin.. that is an illness. If a woman was sick with cancer or something else.. would she be condemed for not being able to keep up the housework? I guess for you, the answer would be yes. Depression is not something to be taken lightly. You have no idea about it.
Why was I depressed? It started back in Austin.... when you told me if you had known about your dad's illness we would not have moved to Austin. I knew right then that my personal happiness really didn't mean anything to you. And I shriveled up and died inside at that moment, and never really fully recovered untill I moved to Columbus.
As we stood there on the beach that day where you made that statement to me, your words just hurt the hell out of me, and my soul started dieing that day. Because I knew in your heart of hearts that if we had not moved to Austin it would not have made any real difference in your actions. He was dieing... and you never bothered to make any special effort to go see him in his last days while you still had time. Every weekend I hoped and watched you ... to see if you would. And you didn't. Yet... you stood there and basically told me no matter what I needed or wanted to be happy.. you would have denied it to me. You basically deflated my soul that day. And I let it happen... in my own weakness.
Then.. we get back here, and we moved 3 times in less than two years... adding to my depression. Adding fear, adding insecurity... never knowing if I was going to lose another home...not feeling like it mattered if I unpacked...because what if you lost your security job again and we had to move. I was mentally and emotionally and physically wore out.
When I was strong and happy.... the house was clean. I have plenty of photos to prove that. You made it sound like I hated housework all the time. Wrong. I hated chaos and disorganization and confusion and mess. I was wore out from having to constantly undo and redo things over and over with so many moves. But you've never had that kind of illness... so you have no idea how devastating it can be.
If you are going around telling people the things about me that you put on that list, then you are showing the ultimate in disrespect for me... and that hurts more than anything else you have done to hurt me. You are telling them half truths, and some out and out lies.
Didn't like sex.... that's not true at all, but if you felt that way, did you ever ask me why? No.
We were married 10 years Robin before the first time you ever specifically tried to satisfy me. On the sofa, in the den on Tulip Trail, with your hand. Before then, during those early years... afterwards, when I had to go to the bathroom... I burned in pain because you had hurt me, because I was dry and not made ready. I was young and naive... and rather inexperienced. Believe it or not, I had not had it all that many times. And the few times I had it.. it was like you, all about them. Never me. I didn't have any idea what it was like to be satisfied sexually by a man.... till we had been married 10 years. So, tell me again what it was I was supposed to like about it?
You were content to be satisfied. What I felt or needed wasn't important to you. In time, after that point on Tulip Trail, as I grew more mature, and more confident... I tried to be more free. And I remember doing things with you that proved I was able and willing to enjoy it. Yet, you label me as 'not liking sex'.
Yes.. in the last years, as my hormone levels dropped, due to menapause... (yet another illness I suffered) .. my body's desire for it dropped... but I was still able to enjoy it. I said go ahead, out of a loving wifely duty.... and each time you finished I laid there hoping with all my heart that you would make an effort to do whatever it took to bring me to the same pleasure you felt everytime. But you seldom ever did. Seldom ever took the initiative to care. And my heart hurt and cried each time you ignored me in that way. I showed enjoyment more than just a few times in 32 years. So for you to dare to say I did not like sex is yet another slap in the face. And if you are saying that to Sandra or anyone else...shame on you.. after all I gave you in 32 years of marital faithfullness and devotion. My take on it is that 8 out of 10 times we did it, I did not get satisfied...unless I had to do it myself. It was not preference. You gave me no other choice. That got old in 32 years. Too late, I fully realised I should have gone to a doctor and got my hormones fixed, and that would have increased my desire. I am so sorry I did that to us. I just didn't understand what was happening with the menapause when it first was starting.
Your list was true to you. Being the negative-minded person you are... you view a glass as half empty. You look at what is not there, instead of appreciating what is there. And you have done the same with me. Showed total disregard for all you did have... and focused only on what was not there... and your perspective of that was off balance because of your idea of how things should be. Yet, you never bothered to really make sure I knew explicity what you expected or needed in a marriage .. so that I would have a chance to give it to you. Instead.. after 32 years I feel now condemed for not giving it, to your specifications and needs. Our lack of ability to talk and communicate is what hurt us the most I think.
What I DID do... does not seem to matter to you at all. All the hours and years of what I did do for the family, the giving, the sacrificing, the cleaning, the decorating, the parties, the striving to put other peoples happiness ahead of my own.... weren't enough to give me any "value" in your mind or eyes... so I've been thrown away, disgarded as trash, no longer wanted, no longer useful, no longer having any value, no longer worth keeping.
And that is what was killing our marriage for me. Being told by your actions, and your words, over and over... that I was not any good as "me". I was always wrong to be who I was, I was always wrong to like the things I liked, I was always "garbage" in one way or another, not of any real value to you. My choice of music was garbage... and all my other choices were in essence labeled the same way.
And it's taken me a long long time to stop thinking of myself according to your definitions of me.
I've had to work hard to build up my self confidence and self esteem. It took getting away to Columbus to do it.
I left, to save my life. I never wanted to end our marriage. It was just killing me to be in it .. the way it was, and the way I was. I had to change myself to live. And to do that... meant focusing on myself first, instead of you. And yes, that meant you weren't top priority. And your need to be top priority was the first thing on your list.. so, saving myself, in essence, killed your love for me and killed your desire to save the marriage. Never mind all the other many times I put your happiness before my own.. but for some reason... that didn't rate in your mind.
Now.. tomorrow it will be all competely, totally, morally, and legally over. Forever, and for good. There will not be any going back.
When I recovered from my depression... all the good feelings came back to life, and all the love I was capable of feeling came back to life as well. I truly, and deeply fell back in love with you Robin.. with all my heart. I was so happy to feel the love again. It made me smile so much every day to feel it. But you didn't want it.
You didn't want all the good things I was willing to give you as a new, and well wife.
You chose instead to hold on to the wounds, the anger, and the let-downs of the past, and to judge me on that.
I chose to totally fogive you all of your transgressions and affairs and to love you completely with everything I had. I was so filled with desire to make you so very happy.. more than anything I had done in the past 32 years. But you didn't want it. Now.. I have to shut all the feelings back down.
You chose a 2 month old relationship instead of being with someone who loved all of you and was faithful to you for 32 years. You chose a 2 month old relationship over your kids and grandson and family unity.
You tossed us all away... for her. I hope you find the joy you are looking for in her family. With the divorce you lose the one you had.
Shanna said Ethan, out of the blue, said he wants to have his birthday at your house. It may not come to that... who knows. But... it if does, I told her I won't be there. I don't plan to ever go out to the house again.
And I have no intention of ever being friends with Sandra and doing family things with her. If she's there.. I won't be.
You have shown me too much disrespect in how you handled things with her and your actions with her have brought me shame. You have clearly labeled me a no-good-reject by so quickly throwing yourself at her and into her bed and her family and planning a wedding before our marriage was even over.
So if you care at all for Shanna and want Shanna to have her mother at her wedding, you will not bring Sandra. You have broken our 'family'... I won't be a party to acting like we are all still family when we are not.
Some day I hope your anger goes away and that you can remember the good part of 'us'.. and that you will be able to remember the good parts of me as well, more than the bad.
I loved you the best I knew how. I thought I had given you a lot. I'm sorry what I gave wasn't what you needed to be happy, and I'm sorry that what I gave was not enough to make up for what I didn't give, that you needed and wanted. I'm sorry I had the willingness and desire to give it ....too late.
Thank you for the good that you did give. I have many wonderful happy memories of you, and I will always be grateful for it all.
Good Bye Robin
After I wrote it, after I gave it to him, and after I got home..... I felt only peace inside. No pain. No tears. No sense of loss. I stood up for myself and did not let myself be put down, attacked, ridiculed, and made out to be "less than"...like I had lived with for 32 years. And I feel good about myself.... really good.
Saying these things won't change him, won't change anything.... it will however take away his right to think those things about me. Of course, I wish it would wake him up. His denseness in his head is rather infuriating. He is in God's hands though..nothing at all left for me to do. When the divorce is decreed final, he will be forever out of my life .... no longer my responsibility, and nothing more to me than someone related to the kids and Ethan. He will not get another chance with me. I don't give seconds.
I have started to feel really good about myself the last 2 days working on the apartment... working on putting my home, my life, together. 
I feel myself making the transition... to thinking of myself as my top priority,.... after years of always putting myself last underneath everyone else. And it feels good.
I feel my emotional and mental strength increasing more each day. I am stong enough to be responsible for myself. And it's ok in my mind now to do things for myself, instead of always for someone else. I've made that mental break-through finally. It's been the toughest one to conquer.
Tomorrow... I become a single woman. And I'm not going to allow myself to be responsible for anyone but myself for a long time! 
.. at least, not a man that is....lol.
Thank you all for putting up with me through all of this mess. 
You all have no idea how important you all have been in my surviving this. I know I haven't been here "for you" during this. Please know it is not my intention for it to stay that way.
Gracie is coming back to life.... don't give up on me! It can only get better now!
Hugs and love to my girlfriends all, Grace
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