...... Jeni you replied to me about my letter to my kids... and I wrote this on that thread.. but decided to bring it over here.
Thank you Jeni.... I do try. I seem to so often miss the mark with my family though... I'm always so "wrong" with them for some reason.. and over the years it has really done a number on my mental attitude about myself.. and I am having to really fight hard to win the battle to change my thought habits and processes. It's painful.
Come to find out while I was at their house that day that it was not her idea for me to come over.
.. which explained the slightly "cool" reception I got when I got there.
And also... their relationship is not so great... it's like a constant battle of wills between them, so it's difficult to be happy and upbeat around them.
So... no, I don't think she sees the good parts of what I said in the e-mail. I really do suspect she is a narcissist to a degree like her day. Hopefully hers is just from immaturity and she will grow out of it.. but I'm not real sure about it. She's distant right now....not calling or contacting me at all, and doesn't answer her phone when I call her. I tried calling her on July 5th about a fireworks thing... and then called her fiance's phone hoping he would answer.. but one of the kids did... for some reason they hung up and I never got to talk to anyone.
I decided I am not calling her anymore, until things change for the better.
And since Ethan's dad lives so close now... I'll just drive to his house to see him.
I'm weary of all the tension and friction at my daughter's house. They constantly seem to say something negative to each other about how something is being done wrong etc...no real fighting or anything.. .just negativity....and it's just not good over there hardly at all. Plus.... his x-wife just took him to court and he has to pay $300 more a week for child support... so losing that money is going to cause even more friction in their relationship.
I don't want to be involved in it.... I've got my own things I've got to deal with and overcome.
I was reading a decorating magazine last night... and just broke down crying.... for all the times I was so "restricted" in what I would have liked to do in our home..and for all I did not 'get' from having a husband like in the articles.
I read of these other women doing all this wonderful stuff..... with their husband's support and also involvement and help... and the more I "heal", the more I am seeing just how bad it really was for me ... and I'm seeing just how much I missed out on by being married the wrong kind of man all these years... and it hurts terribly during those kind of moments.
I am basically mentally and emotionally starved for "acceptance" , "support", "encouragement ", and "praise"... of who I am as a person.. .and my ideas... and my choices of what is fun, and nice, and pretty... etc... because of how little I got in my marriage. I did get some... but it was 'conditional'....
I try to imagine what it would be like to be with a man who "built me up" instead of always tearing me down... and I can't comprehend it at all. It is foreign to my brain and my soul... yet ... when I read these articles of what these couples did to their home or yard or garden etc... I see that there are men out there who do indeed "want" t heir wives to be "happy" being just who she is.. and are willing to "help" her fulfill her wishes and dreams and creative ideas... without making her feel bad about herself, and without making her feel guilty or wrong.
I've over the marriage... I'm over him...
And yet, now... I'm finding even more pain coming to the surface... as I start to see just how "damaged" I really am...as I struggle each day to let myself be "free" to be me.
All the "gunk" is coming up and out... and on it's way out .... .I'm seeing it and feeling it for the first time.... and it hurts... and so I cry a bit... and get over it in time.
In a state of depression... the feelings are numbed down, and so there isn't any real pain.
I'm not depressed anymore... and my feelings are awake and alive... so now, as the bad mental programming stuff is being cleansed out of me.... I'm feeling the pain of it.... of what it cost me to live the way I lived for so long... and all that I lived without having and without getting from both my husband and my kids and my siblings.
I have to daily force myself to tell myself good things about myself to replace all the negative thinking of the past years.
And I have to daily force myself to stand strong "for myself".. and to not give up my fight to live a full life for myself, and by myself. And it gets a little difficult some days.
And other days I feel the progress I've made and am encouraged by the changes I see taking place within myself.
I'm going to be ok. I will survive this.
Some days it just makes me a little weary, and sad. So ya'll be patient with me when I am going through the down times... that are still floating up to the surface during my healing and changing and personal growth processes.
I've got so much learning to do.... of the good kind of stuff, that replaces all the bad and incorrect stuff .... and it will take time. And I want it to go faster than it is.... so I'm having to learn to be patient with myself as well.
So much good has already taken place..... and I know there is more to come.
I just gotta get my brain set free again to let all of my "creative" self back out to play and live freely and unhindered. I've had her stuffed down and closed off for so long... she doesn't understand yet that it really is ok for her to come back out and exist again. Old thought habits die hard.
I'm looking for my inner female "Rocky"... to come out and be strong, and win the fight.
I gotta let myself be free to do.. "for me".. all the things I so willingly did for others. Just haven't quite figured out how to do it. It 's a struggle... but I haven't given up. Those "old" thought patterns and habits will be broken... one at a time, one day at a time.
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