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| | From:  Grace· (Original Message) | Sent: 1/4/2006 2:17 PM |
Have you ever thought to yourself "I could write a book", .... well, here's your place to do it. Whatever personal thoughts, feelings, or personal biography information, or life lessons you'd like to share with us, here's your special place to write, just for you. Enjoy!!  |
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different kind of love
jeni easy to hurt,easy to cry
i was always so strong
cannot understand why
everything is so so wrong a new life a new love
should always be happy
but most of the time crying
why oh why am i so weepy am i so unsure of myself
and let little things get to me
or is there love for me left
if i don't always agree easy to hurt easy to cry
i was always so strong
cannot understand why
everthing is so so wrong i have lost me in this affair,
too one sided to flare
me, i really love and care
to him it is just what he says
an affair right words right time
things i want to hear
but they are that, just words
his love just another kind easy to hurt easy to cry
i was always so strong
cannot understand why
everthing is so so wrong i don't think he can love again
he gave it all to her,there
is nothing left for me to win
leaves me crying and nowhere easy to hurt easy to cry
i was always so strong
cannot understand why
everthing is so so wrong |
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this is the strangest thing i have written the chapter again and this is the third time msn takes it and tells me to go back, and there is nothing. i wonder why, what is it about what i wrote, that i can not get it through.it let both songs in. and i want to see if this goes through, if it does, some thing is stopping me. |
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memories you know they say a pig can not swim, wrong, my family had a hog and i turned him into a pet, we lived on the water,when i went swiming one day, he came swimmimg right behind me, my mom was amazed, she said when a hog tries to swim, he cuts his throat with his feet, but he sure didn't, i was about 12 when we lived there, we moved so much i was twelve in three different places. i remember my brother, 6 years old and i were walking a brick wall and he fell off the wall on an iron stob, tore a big gash in his stomuch, blood flying, he screaming, am i going to die sis? i told him no it was just scratched,i took him into the house, placed a clean wash cloth over it, pinned a towel tight around him, walked to a neighbors, got them to call mom at work,and neighbor took him to dr. about 16 miles away, i felt so big afterwoods,cause the dr. praised my quick thinking and the way i wrapped him.i did not know what to do, common sence told me stop the bleeding. i know you must have asked your mon, when can i date? i asked my mom when i was about 11, her answer was when i became a woman, later i asked her, when will i be a woman mom, her answer, when you start your menestration period. i started at 12, needless to say, i did not start dating when i became a woman,lol.and when i did start dating, double dates only, for a long time. i was swimming one day, at 12 and i was completely filled out at that age,and our landlord, about 35 asked me to go out with him. i remember telling him no thanks. at the time i felt so grown up, cause he asked me, but when i got some age on me, i suspect, he was a dirty old man at 35 lol.and i had a narrow escape, cause my brother and i stayed by ourselves, 11 hrs. during the day. but you know i always liked to date older guys,they always treated me with so much respect, at 14, i dated a guy 34 years old, he was a very nice man. when i was 17 i dated a man 35, his brother ended up becomeing my stepdad. you could not find two better men, i should have stuck to the older men, i married 2 ,a couple years older then me, wrong!!!! when i finally walked away from that second marriage, i married an older man. and 4 years after his death, i started living with an older man, that is nate,never would i marry or live with a man my age or younger ever again. to me, respect for me as a woman,is the most important thing in a relationship i am not a man, don't want to be, i wanted to be loved, treated with tenderness, with softness, as i am soft,tender, filled with love, and can be sexy as hell. if you can not find this in a relationship, you will never have a happy marriage, you can have a pardnership, and live a contented life, but you will miss out on all the fire and passion, that carries you beyond a mear marriage, but will carry you into a world of an exciting bliss. . thats what i want more then anything on this earth, i want my man to love me more then life itself, and i would give him every ounce of love,and my life would be his,if you have this kind of love for each other, you will do everthing,and anything in your power, to see the other is happy, don't settle for anything less. when i was 14,mom worked in a pants factory, she went to a man, that could not read or write, but was known for building nice homes, she told him she would pay him by the week, then she went to a lumber place and told them she would pay them by the week for the supplys, and we had a two bedroom home built, with an inside bathroom, that never got the plumming hooked up. we did have running water to the kitchen, with drainage.which was a great treat for me.i started cooking some when i was, by 14 intire meals. two years later, mom left dad,he was a long gone drunk by then, i was 14 then we moved to the big city,lol.not so big, but god i thought it was, and where i met my first husband. later |
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| | | From: Grace* | Sent: 5/14/2007 3:02 AM |
.... thank you! enjoyed it immensely. |
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The Big City after living in the country all my life, i had a lot to learn, how wonderful it is when you are young, no fears, it was a new adventure for me, dumb country chic, had to learn a new way of life, i walked the streets in my free time, exploying everything, learning the streets, all those stores filled with beautiful things, i said in prevous chapter i was 14 when mom build the house, but i must have been 13, cause we lived there about a year, and i do know i was 14 when i started school there, turned 15 in feb. i had to walk, over a mile to and from school, over many blocks. i was dating a boy next door, and he had to go in the hospital, and it was beside my school, i walked back up there everynight to see him, no fear of the streets at night, only the hugh old house vacated, sat on a whole block, boy i did not like walking past that, had heard too many ghost stories as a child, grand daddy and my uncles used to sit for hours at night exchanging all these stories of ghosts they used to see. favorite past time... it was living in that apartment that i met the 34 year old guy, and his brother that became my stepfather, they lived 2 doors down, i introduced him to mom. it felt funny mom n i doubled the two brothers, but the 34 year old, decided to wait for me to grow up some,lol. we did date some a little later when i was near 18. i was walking down the street one day with a girlfriend, playfully i reached over and smacked her on the rump, i did not see the two marines walking up behind us, she turned around and slapped the heck out of this marine. later that night my brother and i went to the movies, when a marine sat down beside me, and said, after causeing your girlfriend to slap me like that, i deserve to be allowed to sit here beside you, i aplogized, and i met my first husband. we were married after my mom married and i was not quite 16., i was married in june, i turned 16 the followering feb. i was so dumb, and shy. we went to vermont so i could meet his parents on our honeymoon, i started my period, that night, i came back home still a virgin, he went back to florida, about 6 months later he came back, i lost my virginty, but it was no fun, i threw him off the bed into the floor, told him he was hurting me,lol, hell with sex!!! i flew to california later, but you can already tell that was no marriage, i was not ready, never was really til i met nate. a few months later i was back home, filed and got an annulment. and that ended another page in my life |
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Sixteen and Divorced when i came home, all i wanted to do was get away from home again, mom and i just did not get along, we had a very strained relationship,she was not loving,and her mouth could destroy you with just a few words, but we could talk about unpersonal things for hours, she had a lot of pride,and always did her duty,but we were never close, i used to envy other children, that had mothers that hugged them, that bragged on their children, encouraged them.and i promised my self, my children,love came first, and an open display of love. they would have no doubt in their mind about my love to them.i may have over done it,lol.my son told me one time, stop bragging on me mom, you embarrass me. anyway, i dated alot,was engaged,i even dated my stepfathers brother for awhile, even though he was 20 years older then me,we may have gotten married, but fate stepped in, his feelings got hurt easily, one day we had a date, and he was an hour late, me with little patience, the phone rang, i answered and said hello, mom asked who it was it,and i said nobody, he had stopped at the pay phone to call me and say he was on his way, what he did not know, was, that phone was broke, he could hear me but i could not hear him, of course he never showed up, and never called me again, i found out later, when someone asked him about why he had stopped dating me, he said no way was he going with someone who called him a nobody. i am sorry he was hurt, but i always say never judge anyone about anything, until you check it out, always give the benifit of doubt. i know it would not have been a passionate marriage, but he would have been a good husband, and father, he never married, he died about 15 years ago years ago, one night i excepted a blind date my girlfriend set me up with, her boyfriends cousin, he was goodlooking, out going, we had fun dates, you know movies,beaches,fast food, parks,those thing that did not cost a lot of money,sitting on the street, listening to the radio, watching all the kids we knew drive up and down the street, one night he came out for our date,he showed me a telegram, i read greetings he had been inducted into, the u.s.army, and he turned to me and said, well are you going to marry me or not, that was the first i had heard about marriage, but me dummy said yes, still that push to get away from home, wow did i step into it that time, on our wedding night, the only words he said to me were, now you are mine. and you know i think that was all he cared about, there was no patience,no loving kindness to teach me things, oh i forgot to say he was almost 5 years older then me. he never encourged me, complemented me, whether it was my cooking, housekeeping or my looks, and at that time, i was considered a knockout, he took it amoung his self to start,tearing me down, day by day,year in and year out, and because i had crawled home, i would not admit to another failure, so i stayed, had two miscarriages, one still birth, and three lovely children, who i loved dearly,if it had not been for them i would have been completely crazy, n locked up now. my minster told me one time, that my husband only felt great, when he was drunk, then he felt he was somebody, i realized that his tearing me down, made him feel powerful, every time he degraded me he felt better about hisself i know i am repeating my self in lot of places,but i as i move through my life story and trying to tell it in chapters, as you can see i am still leaving out stuff, as my mind gets caught up in one thing, i jump ahead when i got out of that marriage there was none of the old me left, i was a stranger to myself, but who knows, we learn from the bad, we grow stronger in ways, that is different then the strengths we had before, i learned humility,i had no pride left in my self, looks, or intelligence, i had to rebuild me, and my late husband helped me do that, i like me better now, then i did that eighteen year old girl, but i cannot be thankful for all the abuse, later |
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Love nate said i should name my memories, life and loves of jeni, i told him there was no love here at all, only for my children, and for my late husband as a friend,and find person,he said there had to be love somewhere there, no there was no love, how can i explain, i did not know myself til i fell in love with nate, i was attracted to a new date, but my driving force was i wanted to get away from home,my brother a man, left at 17, joined the airforce,my younger brother left as soon as he could he joined the army, me a girl, get married make your own home. i met nate almost a year ago, and i found what real love was, my god it makes a fool out of you, made me jealous as hell,a new for me, made me weak, made me strong,made me love my children even more, i love every living thing more, and the best part, they know and see it. i love the rain, i love the clouds, i love the trees and flowers, i love all my friends, i love the mountains, i love the valleys, and by that i mean the highs and lows in my life, i love my tears that fall, i love the laughter that fills my soul,i love him turning me into a passionate woman, to enjoy sex, when i always hated it, i love god , nate gave me this love and i found it was not a temporary passion, because been over a year since i met the man, n by god i love him even more, some times it scares the hell out of me, cause i know if anything messes it up, it will destroy me. i am always insecure about his loving me, i look at pictures, or he will say something, and i almost fall back into my insecurties, i hold on with all the will i got,love, o'yeah i know what it is now, sometimes i wish i didn't, but give it up, never, i am just sorry i never found nate or this love years ago, i will write more about this later but right now, gotta go show that man how much i love him,lol. later |
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Abuse and the Strongest Sex writing about my life,i thought i might address abuse, from my point of view,i saw many kinds of abuse, in my life time,including the one used on me. the different kinds of abuse women takes and they talk about men the stronger sex. it was not the woman that said that. there is the abuse women takes when the man beats the stuffing out of her, she gets her self up, heals, forgives him when he comes to her babbering asking for fogivness, for what ever reason, she love him, scared he will kill her or her children, and she stands there and takes another beating, which one is the strongest,she is, that fool that calls himself a man is a coward. beat another man, no way, it would not cross his mind. there is mental abuse, the woman has been busy all day,it is so hot, she fixes a cold salad for dinner, not a plain salad, but filled with different meats and cheeses and fresh veggies, hubby come home. which is rare in itself, the oldest daughter is on the phone, two younger one, fighting over tv program, first words out of hubbys mouth, you think i want to come home and listen to this shit all night,already passing the buck, see why i am not home, to help raise the raise the children, you should have done better job, have them nice and quiet for me. put salad in front of him, what the hell do you think i am, a damn rabbit, bed time you feel like some... next day, what did you do, drop the salt shaker in the soup, you laugh with the children at something on tv. he says, don't be so damn silly, its only t.v. why are you reading do you think it will make you any smarter? bed time ,you feel like some.... next day i don't have to worry about you running around on me, you are too god damn lazy to go look for someone, can't you keep those kids out of the garden,bed time, you feel like some.... day in and day out for years, who is the strongest, the lady that survived this, raised the three children to love and be kind, or the man that hid cowardness in a bottle and his mouth.that was the abuse i lived thru, then maybe this is the biggest coward of all, he hides behind his children to take down the woman, take this woman, she runs her children back and forth to all their activites, cooks for them, kisses their hurts, prays with them before bed,helps with the home work, in walks hubby, bring your toy to me son, your mom hasn't got since enough to fix it, son go tell your mom, get her ass down here,damn woman can never be ready on time, why ask her,she don't know what she is talking about, you think you mother would have learned to cook by now,this is all the children hear , guess who is the stronger here, and guess who the children grew up loving and trying to protect, i was that woman too. then there a more restrained kind of abuse, he comes first, no cruel mouth, no beatings, always nice, not intending abuse,he thinks he is not harming anyone, cause he can not feel it, he can not see her needs or wants, he does not listen, he don't hear, cause he is thinking about his self or needs. she could talk till she is blue in the face, she keeps on loving him, and keeps on hopeing , please hear me, i need you to listen to me,please put me and my needs first just this once, every morning she gets up hopeing, and praying maybe he will hear me today. this is a very sad, cause he loves her in his own way. the marriage will work, because of the love and kindness, but she will never feel complete or be truly happy. because of the love, they will stay togeather. these are a couple of abuses i have seen or lived through my self, i know there are many more forms of abuse out there, but before i close this page, i want to say, i have also seen women like this, i have seen women abuse their children, their husbands, i actually know two women that beats their husbands,and they just stand there and take it, cause they would never hit a woman, and she knows that. i often think why? why not match up the the man that has to control women, with these women . be a lot less suffering in this world. later |
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well, this was sort of a test, nate prints all my material i am putting in my autobiography, cause i do not have a printer here, and he reads it all, he falls under the last abuse paragraph also, he is so sweet and will do anything for me but does not hear a word i say, and he also loves people to brag on him, i go to help him with food, this big frown comes on his face, he wants all the glory, he will taste my food and shiver like its the worst, he read this abuse,page, and never saw hisself, that was what i wanted to see, they are blind,they axually can not see themselves, they are perfect, and i see no way to reach him, and if he went to counciling cause i asked, i do not believe it will help him, he sees nothing wrong with himself,i think for awhile he may go along with me and the councelor, but change no, "how can i change the perfect,there is nothing wrong with me, i give her everything she wants.i treat her like a queen, what more does she want", why are you always bringing up this shit, take me as i am......................." thats my nate.he gives me all he has to give..... he is almost perfect,almost but for now i choose to hang in there, and bring all my complaints,and whining in here, i am too old and sick to find another companion now,and thank god this is a far better abuse, then what i lived with before, lol, and i got good benifits,good food, good sex,loved and hugged on everytime he comes near me, any thing i need material wise. there are times i want to walk away from it all, and one day,and it might be soon, i just might up and go. in a way he hid a lot from me, gave me impression he was a suffering widow, hah, i now know of 6 women he has dated since her death, one long term, i found a picture of him with this woman, and they were at a dinner n dance, the tag around her neck had his last name on it, it through me for a loop,first i asked who is blankie blank, he said i don't know ,never heard of her, i took the picture to him and said what is this, he said, only relatives were allowed,so lent her my name. but what hit me was the look on his face, the same look i see when he is loving on me. so i keep the picture by my computor to remind me, keep my feet planted on the ground, i am nobody speical as far as he is concerned. |
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thoughts of today nate and i just stayed in yesterday,too dangerous for us to go out, we played around,lol. ate and slept, he watched t.v. i worked on graphics, he hates to go out to the docs in this heat, he went saturday they removed the packing,and he has to go back today, and they said if they did not get it all,they would have to go back in today, he told me to stay home today cause it is so bad out there and i am haveing a bad time of it, but that they might call me and tell me he has cracked and raiseing hell down there,lol. bless his heart he is dreading going in today, he wants to take me home,and me go on oxygen, he says he is getting scared for me,he can not understand oxygen will not help me right now, i tried to explain to him this morning, if there is no place for the oxygen to go, it can not help. it does not help breathing. i need the passages to my lungs open, and more space inside the lungs to receive the air, which i don't have. but i most likely will be going home soon, to take away his fear that i will die on him, i know he can not take that again, he says he will not live if i die, that he will go with me,but he will live,but i do believe he will shut down, he has this odd way of shutting off his mind to the world. we all survive in our own way. i know the man loves me as much as he can love, he slipped up the other day,he had a bad dream,and he was fighting me, i called his name, and he grabbed my head, and i called again and woke him, he held me and apologized over and over, he said i can not believe i tried to hurt the only woman i ever loved. he did not hurt me, i woke him before he was about to shove my head through the wall,lol. but he said the only woman i ever loved, so maybe alot of fears i had was not from him loving her so much, but instead guilt from not loving her enough, but it does not manner now,he coming into my life has made me see many things about myself, made me see how strong i am,how much love i had in me to give, what is important in life, and what is just useful, i wish i had a longer life with him,and healthy, i am sure we would share many thing and much laughter togeather, we are so alike in many ways, enjoy the same things,he has taught me so much,about love,making love,throwing out old things that troubles us, reconizing things that is important to each of us, and i think i have taught him somethings as well. i know meeting nate has kept me alive, just the fighting to get my love has kept me going this long my only regret is i was not young enough or live long enough to hear him say, he would be honered to have me as his wife, we don't have to get married, just to know he loved me enough and proud of me enough to want to give me his name, i know i would be the proudest woman on earth if i was Mrs.Blackwell. Nate has been changeing, because of our prayers and i am so thankful for that, he is so thoughful of my needs now, i know when i die he will be my last living thought, my children i think of all the time, they will be in my mind, cindy more so, but how can i say this, nate has become a part of my soul, when my soul leaves, every thought,every word we said, every bit of love we have ,every hug,every gesture is going with my soul, and my memories of my children will go with me, how happy my soul will be. i don't want anyone to be sad that i am gone,i am going happy wheather its today,or another year from now. well i started to reply on weekday, but i rambled on, so brought it over here and stached it in here. i will print this up later, to be added to my memories, to leave cindy, there may be stuff in here that will help her over the years, who knows,later, i hope |
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| | | From: Grace* | Sent: 7/9/2007 4:49 PM |
And you have become a part of my soul, connected for always. We will all always be together in our spirits. And the 'you' that we love so much will also always be here with us. |
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yep, the boss will still be here, you will see me giving msn a very hard time,lol. watch for it......hee hee. |
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Goodmorning honey, To the sweetest woman on earth and the woman I love with all my heart and soul. Love you, Nate sitting side by side, he on his puter,me on mine and in comes this note save this for the depressed times |
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