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All Message Boards : this poem sucks =(
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Recommend  Message 1 of 9 in Discussion 
From: MSN Nicknamesilverdragonkuja  (Original Message)Sent: 10/17/2008 5:51 AM
Its 2:26AM and your on my mind like infomercials on television at this time
and trying to get you off my mind is like
trying to deleat AOL after you've downloaded thier free trial
maybe its me and im just in denial
maybe I dont want you to leave my thoughts..
because if you leave those
then you will have left me completely.
with no one to reach me, completely alone
working on this sucky poem discretely.
this poem sucks because it will never reach your ears
you will never hear me make it VERY clear how dear you are to me.
and this poem sucks because you will never know that your still apart of me
in the fact that Ive kept you in my heart from the very start of things
and most of all this poem sucks because ..I love you
Its like I gave you my heart and you left so fast you forgot to give it back
leaving me stranded on the roadside
searching for myself in an undiscovered place
while you drove by laughing
splashing dirty gutter water in my face..
this poem sucks because its just another sweet love poem you will never get to taste


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Recommend  Message 2 of 9 in Discussion 
From: _susan_Sent: 10/17/2008 6:13 AM
yes, it does.
 
Ive kept you in my heart from the very start of things
 
isn't that from a song?
I've Got You Under My Skin?
i think Frank Sinatra practically made it his theme song.
 
i'm gonna look up the lyrics.  just curious.  not that it's a bad thing
to be influenced by Cole Porter.  probably the greatest song writer
of the 20th century.
 
but maybe that's before your time.
 
s.

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Recommend  Message 3 of 9 in Discussion 
From: _susan_Sent: 10/17/2008 6:18 AM
Ive got you under my skin
Ive got you deep in the heart of me
So deep in my heart, that youre really a part of me
Ive got you under my skin

Ive tried so not to give in
Ive said to myself this affair never will go so well
But why should I try to resist, when baby will I know than well
That Ive got you under my skin

Id sacrifice anything come what might
For the sake of having you near
In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night
And repeats, repeats in my ear

Dont you know you fool, you never can win
Use your mentality, wake up to reality
But each time I do, just the thought of you
Makes me stop before I begin
cause Ive got you under my skin
 
yeah, well we'll call it an allusion(s).

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Recommend  Message 4 of 9 in Discussion 
From: MSN Nicknamepipedreamslayer1Sent: 10/17/2008 6:21 AM
the title
sucks
and repeated usage of that phrase within the poem sucks
otherwise
it doesn't
suck
too much

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Recommend  Message 5 of 9 in Discussion 
From: MSN Nicknamepipedreamslayer1Sent: 10/17/2008 6:22 AM
you fly me to the moon susie

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Recommend  Message 6 of 9 in Discussion 
From: _susan_Sent: 10/17/2008 6:37 AM
is that a new skin for your media player?

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Recommend  Message 7 of 9 in Discussion 
From: wrongsideoftheroadSent: 10/17/2008 2:23 PM
doesnt suck, this poem anyway. well some parts of it does, but in the least it shows a talent for basic poemy writings that doesnt involve dragons, bliss, and pomegranate. to write and develop imagery from the present rather than from established poetic lingo. thats a start. it shows a thinking that isn't perfectly linear and has an ability to surprise.

for instance the first line i like,.

Its 2:26AM and your on my mind like infomercials on television at this time

its a good beginning.
the following two cant be helped, especially the simile, becomes repetative in that your trying to employ a similar image as above. infomercials/aol download.

Its 2:26AM and your on my mind like infomercials on television at this time
maybe its me and im just in denial
maybe I dont want you to leave my thoughts
because if you leave those
then you will have left me completely.
completely alone.

thats a fine beginning i think. crispen up the indulgence a little bit and you have a more universal attraction. rather than the personal. nothing much is needed to make that happen. as easy as m p 3. all needed is a tad of restraint, then begins the second part

working on this sucky poem discretely.
this poem sucks because it will never reach your ears
you will never hear me make it very clear how dear you are to me
(id make a cut of one or two lines here, because theyr much variations on the theme that is best expressed in the line below)
but most of all this poem sucks because I love you

come to think of it maybe that line should be the very last line. it has a last line quality. that part about roadside drove laufghing forgot to give it back probably too needs a touch or three but ill leave you to it.

if now at all this poem gains anything from a critique. if there is an interest, that is, beyond the emotional exorcism of writing the poem. well i took the time because i thought i saw something original and somewhat interesting that usually i dont see in angsty scribblings and it should be pointed out somehow.

ws


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Recommend  Message 8 of 9 in Discussion 
From: gypsySent: 10/17/2008 5:13 PM
but you must change the title...  i read this poem sucks and skip the reading.  but then, susan says i am gull-ible   hahaha

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Recommend  Message 9 of 9 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknamessnnakeeSent: 10/17/2008 7:49 PM
i liked it all even the title cause it showed how sucky you were feeling and everything you touched got sucky. because hey, love sucks.

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