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| | From:  sjo_anderson (Original Message) | Sent: 10/22/2008 9:24 AM |
tell me of the hyper real
majesty of mind,
love to me your sweat repair
make all the kind unwinding.
show us both the joys of time
never making haste you see,
underneath the total myth
the failed make the sea.
the failed make the sea:
listen first, toward the moon, second toward your bareness, third and after more:
make off without. |
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you just came back for the bonfire
didn't you. |
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| | | From: gypsy | Sent: 10/22/2008 10:55 PM |
It is wonderful, anderson! I would just leave out the preaching at the end:
the failed make the sea:
listen first, toward the moon, second toward your bareness, third and after more:
make off without.
Maybe just use 'the failed make the sea' as title.. it makes a great title and sounds like a solomonic truth with no need to preach more than what is in that line alone. Great line! gypsy |
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| | | From: gypsy | Sent: 10/23/2008 5:26 AM |
I like this, but the line I like does feel like a bible verse twisted, somehow. The same goes for the lines I find in excess.. Look to the moon, up, maybe heaven, then your bareness and I cannot help thiking of nakedness... I still like it.. . |
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it's saturated. that's a good thing. g |
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