okay, i'm not looking at meter here, which seems to be fine.  i didn't scan the poem, so i take your word.

 

chlorophyll sounded better the second time around.  on first read, i thought it was too complicated for this poem.  not natural and fitting.  but on a second read, it worked.

 

everything was fine, and worked, until you got here:

 

looked like you just wanted to finish it.

i don't think you need that whole yin/yang thing with the virgin and son thrown in.

and 'reload'?

 

gypsy woman, work on those last group of lines.  you went from nature to well,

something that sounded false.  at least to my ears.

 

s.

Hi, Susan, thanks for stopping, reading, and telling me.   To me, it does not sound false, but I am the one with the story in my head.  So, I shall step back and read it from outside the frame.  I am referring to being tired of painting faces, or rather, this is how it started, and then, the convolution of my psyche always puts more in the blender. 

 

Thank you!!!

gypsy woman

I just read your comments again, WS.  I think what you are saying is you want more metaphor.  I will think of this, too!  Thanks!!!

Thank you, Piper!