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| | | From: methodik (Original Message) | Sent: 11/13/2001 8:00 PM |
The flower springs forth
causing all the world to pause
essence of beauty
Laden with spring snow
the slender young branches yield
arching gracefully
I have never attempted many haiku, even though I am quite fond of reading them. I think what I like most about the form is the simple elegance; the idea that you can completely capture an idea, thought, feeling, or an observation in just a few lines, and try to convey that to the reader. I think if it were possible to convey exactly what I was thinking/feeling with just one word, then to me that would be perfection. Those are my thoughts on the matter, anyways. :) Jim |
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| | | From: susanna | Sent: 12/28/2002 7:22 AM |
red lake in mountain shadow a beautiful line. i think the other 2 still need work, rae. i get westering - but i don't like the word here, because it sounds too artificial. perhaps a simpler line, like: westward moving sky then, unless you can encompass more in winter - this too seems forced into the haiku. we do not have to satisfy some arbitrary arrangement by which we specifically refer to a season. the season should be inherent in the image. find its [the image's] nature, and nature will make its appearance naturally. resolve the haiku. take a look again at the word from the first line: westerling. think about what that word really means. use that meaning in the last line. & once written... the moment is over. so the image must be sensed in its totality. susan |
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| | | From: rae | Sent: 12/29/2002 5:22 PM |
sun falls in the cold red lake in mountain shadow earth and sky dissolve hell lol we were driving into the west as the sun was setting... cold ouside, warm in the car. most beautiful sky, incredibly pink, with a line of purple clouds a bit above the horizon. the sky topped by the clouds looked like a lake, with the clouds as mountains surrounding it. we couldnt shake the image, though we knew it wasn't a lake... it WAS a lake! Sky became earth, or earth... sky. no discernible demarcation. I can't capture it in 14 syllables, though it was a haiku moment in my head. alas, just not on paper! thanks susan, I much appreciate your guidance. rae |
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| | | From: mailman | Sent: 12/29/2002 7:54 PM |
This is an excellent thread. Sue, we need to give you more to comment on; this stuff is first class. Rae, What if two different things are in contention for your attention disabling the sense that 14 syllables is not enough. The image of the lake is by itself descriptive, but the experience of your viewing it is a whole other thing. It is, perhaps, your experience of the ethereal sight that is trying to come through the words. Just a thought... larry The Glance the wince of shut eye against a pale silver light burns now cold as steel |
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| | | From: sue | Sent: 12/29/2002 9:38 PM |
17 syllables guys. and i'll be backatcha later. suze ;-) |
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| | | From: sue | Sent: 1/1/2003 10:19 PM |
both haiku need to focus on a more delicate play of assonance & consonance. get to work, rae & mailman. rae - i want more blending with that middle line - say it aloud - hear: lake/mountain/shadow. work on assonance with other lines. vowel sounds bring forth the inner voice. let it vibate & harmonize. larry - more play against the softness of that middle line: against a pale silver light. hear the interlocking consonance & alternating consonance. this establishes rhythm & feeling in the haiku. heh more to it than meets the hai. ;-) susan |
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| | | From: gmatter | Sent: 5/25/2003 4:00 AM |
wrought ku intones ware opposites summa star, must now sprout what when where also |
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Soft swish of snowflakes.
The green mountains become white.
Fireplace warms the room.
~Dip
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i want haiku to be about as fun as folding other peoples laundry. |
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| | | From: _susan_ | Sent: 9/13/2006 9:56 PM |
poetry.com is a scam poetry site, emer. not on the Boards. also you picked the Metacriticism board. i am deleting your message, emer. poetry.com is also spam. and no spam is allowed on any of the Discussion boards. thanks, and take a look at our Member Help board for more information. susan |
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