i still don't know what kind of critique you want, POD.

 

right now, my first impression is that this piece is very sing-song,

and destined to be a hallmark card   of sorts.

 

how would you change it to make it read less like sermonizing

and make it become more like something that will wake me up?

 

susan

First look at spelling [despereate] I realize some on this site do not attempt to adhere to such conventions, but their writings roll with an unconventional style like snowballs or tumbleweed. It does not appear intentional in this poem.

 

Susan mentions sermonizing, and this impression comes out of this poem like a truck with burned out brakes. You have not incorporated anything for the reader to look at or for. You are using telling words and not showing words: If we hang our heads are we not already sad? To hang a sad head is redundant. Why are we sad? what if you showed the consequence of the unmet expectation signaled by: We think that we have all we need. (In this sentence "that" is extraneous.) There are two lines, only two, that do not sound as if they were extracted from the pulpit. And they begin to show us something, but then go nowhere: We look for answers across the shore  and  our garden has never met a weed.

 

I hope you just keep writing till your fingers ache. Once you get some of the angst out of your system, you'll begin to hear the music that obviously plays in your head as indicated by the desire to rhyme. That music will serve you in your writing.

 

larry

pod is despereate

to be a laureate,

 

but he's not wreathly ready yet -

i see lots of reading of poetry in his future.

and - there is a definite lack of prufreading skills.

 

susan