 |
Reply
| | From:  JLKato (Original Message) | Sent: 12/2/2003 3:23 AM |
Stephanie Speaks
One of the fables you never
had a chance to read
to me,
advises against counting
chickens before they hatch, So, I never broke open the shell.
Still, I am remembered,
formed in speculation:
I am the daughter with raven hair, who smiles
at you, Father, as I shape my waxen wings. Aloft, I flit among fox-tail clouds,
hide behind a spring moon,
race away from the earth, because the egg is a promise,
and nothing more. |
|
 First
Previous
2-6 of 6
Next
Last
|
Reply
| | | From: _susan_ | Sent: 12/2/2003 5:52 AM |
the world is filled with such lovely fairytales, all cultures provide them. that in itself is a way of learning. learning, questioning, the hows, whens, whats, wheres, whos, & whys.. never ending search. very grimm. <s> so it is important not to fly up too close to the sun. our wings could melt. susan |
|
Reply
| | | From: sue | Sent: 12/25/2003 6:46 AM |
jesus, i just realized this is on Metacriticism! ok.. so what do you think you want to do here. do you feel this is incomplete in some way, Kato? do you want to defy the usual theories & criticisms & go for something which surpasses the mundane opinion of what a poem is? what exactly do you want to break open? some people can crack easily you know. one thing you should work on here is the physical shape of the poem. with the icarus image - i think you can let it fly out more on the page. for example: Aloft, I flit among fox-tail clouds,
hide behind a spring moon,
race away from the earth, susan |
|
Reply
| | | From: sue | Sent: 12/25/2003 6:54 AM |
you speak as much about your daughter, as you do about yourself. whole lines should be set off (at least to my eye): Stephanie Speaks
One of the fables you never
had a chance to read
to me,
advises against counting
chickens before they hatch,
So, I never broke open the shell.
Still, I am remembered,
formed in speculation:
I am the daughter with raven hair, who smiles
at you, Father, as I shape my waxen wings.
Aloft, I flit among fox-tail clouds,
hide behind a spring moon,
race away from the earth, because the egg is a promise,
and nothing more. or something like that. get at the physical separation.
susan |
|
Reply
| | | From: JLKato | Sent: 12/26/2003 10:14 PM |
The big issue with me is one of comprehension. Did you understand that the poem refers to a stillbirth? I don't want to spell this out for a couple of reasons: 1.) I don't want to seemingly be emotionally manipulative, and 2.) I'd prefer the readers or listeners to discover the secret of the egg on their own. |
|
Reply
| | | From: _susan_ | Sent: 12/27/2003 12:46 AM |
now that you told me... i go back and read & it becomes chrysalis clear. but i missed that completely before. hmm. maybe some grammatical changes here: am the daughter with raven hair, who smiles >>who would have smiled??
at you, Father, as I shape my waxen wings. >> as I shaped??? not sure the title is a keeper. seems like minor adjustment is needed. susan |
|
|
First
Previous
2-6 of 6
Next
Last
|
|
Free Forum Hosting
Important Announcement
Recommend
Return to Metacriticism
