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Metacriticism : Wistful Time
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Recommend  Message 1 of 4 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameChrisnightbird2  (Original Message)Sent: 12/7/2004 2:53 AM

The Mayfair gathering outside

Blossoming rose rises in the air

Growing out of the cool ground

Of the garden

The cat’s squirrel won’t be caught today

Too busy chasing its tail

‘round the sitting room floor –

I venture out for a quick smoke,

And notice the glow of lights

Witness the question of ‘what?’

A sickness? An end?

It’s strange how my life’s just begun

So young, so old

I hope, I wonder, I wish them well…

I flick the end into the air,

And it rests on the cool ground

It bounces away its last life –

Walking back inside

I whistle away a wistful time

For senior citizens and squirrels

 



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Recommend  Message 2 of 4 in Discussion 
From: _susan_Sent: 12/7/2004 6:40 AM
hi there & welcome, cnb2.
 
here's what i would do:
 

It bounces away its last life –

Walking back inside

I whistle away a wistful time

For senior citizens and squirrels

cut these last lines. or use 'bounce' in a different way to conclude poem.
your ending weakens what i feel to be a strong piece.

or - you can take this advice and say: 'nah, i ain't gonna cut a word; file it.'

oh - and the title?  maybe here's where you can squeeze in:
For Senior Citizens and Squirrels

then dump the title you have.

susan


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Recommend  Message 3 of 4 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknamekarasukokoroSent: 12/8/2004 9:45 AM
caw chris. welcome. 
 
i enjoyed your piece but, really think susan gave good idea. the senior citizens and squirrels would strengthen the title.
 
crow

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Recommend  Message 4 of 4 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameChrisnightbird2Sent: 12/8/2004 3:21 PM
Thank you Susan and Crow for reading and giving your suggestions... I'll do a little revising. Happy to be here.

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