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| | From:  11thillusion (Original Message) | Sent: 1/27/2005 9:38 PM |
erg, sorry, posting again, this is what i mean. can''t seem to make poems that rhyme not sound so sing-songy.
why is it that they pretend
we’re all so out of touch
endless tunnel, there's no end
just vapour that we clutch
a dark black sun is setting
a midnight, silver, clear
a hope that once had substance
we watch it disappear
no heat no breath no light
alive it doesn't seem
the glow that was in focus
it all was just a dream
the warmth, it is now frozen
melted into snow
no one else to turn to
no where else to go
the last glass pane is broken
to hard ground falls a shard
the silence screams so loudly
beauty, peace, is marred
black slashes through fake paintings
once castles, now they’re dust
rubble, dirt, destruction
quiet chaos, broken trust
just once, the clouds are clearing
golden sky alight
down on the parched, dry, ruined earth
falls a raindrop in the night
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| | | From: _susan_ | Sent: 1/27/2005 10:34 PM |
it is a little sing-song, 11. it all was just a dream i'd save that for a closing line. just a feeling. susan |
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| | | From: ^~JustL | Sent: 1/28/2005 7:16 AM |
greets 11th: we all seem to follow that ritual
no matter how hard we may try not to, is catch ourselves or life in a rut |
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Oh, I loved it! Without a title, it became a riddle to me. Some of the rhyme scheme appears a bit forced...and I can feel the "sing-song," but I like that sort of stuff... I love the ending. Especially the way everything you wrote about lead up to a single moment in time, "a raindrop in the night." I'm not in any position to suggest many changes, but I do like the write...has great potential. |
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