ah.  i see.

ok.

work on punctuation in meantime.

 

night.

s.

 

 

 

your meter is very good, crow.

i wish mine was as good.

you have an ear for iambic pentameter.

 

i would say that a few minor corrections would be sufficient.

 

s.

Though I stay awake with him at night,
He brings along his brother who's the same.
The two of them paw and tug and whine
In the bed that seems too small for all.

If I could dream I'd gladly take them with
Me. Along the rocky outskirts we could roam.

They shy away from sleep when I'm around.
Self-flattery it is to think them mine.
When all along they've had a simple plan;
To see me fly away from this old bed,

hmm.  work on the meter first, for those few lines i indicated.

take out all punctuation for now - you are overdosing on periods.

pentameter
5' to a line.
count syllables if you have to - it will make it easier.
10 syllables per line.

 

s.

ya. you need the fluidity of the original, i think. and no more punctuation than necessary.

 

i took it and played with it a little (fullknowing susan will probably snap at me)

 

first though, it seems to me with the first line, the only reason it doesn't start with an "It's" is because that would make 11 syllables. i wonder if that could be worked around, but for now, it stands as is.

 

i think the beginning is otherwise solid, somewhere in the middle part lines start to droop over into the following lines, especially the 8th line ending on 'with'. i took myself some devilish freedoms there. i love the lines

 

"They shy away from sleep when I'm around
Self-flattery it is to think them mine."

 

i think the end has a good punchline, with the cats intention, having the bed for themselves, but its a little awkward in how its presented.

 

one thing i think is a fun addition in a sonnet is to sometimes jump in an image, rather than using only 'and's, you can throw in a comma. the beginning for instance: "It's easier to submit, pet the cat". commas can also be used to emphasize some curious internal rhymes.  

 

anyhow. the rest of my critique you'll find in my edit of the poem. discard or find something useful. i do think you have a natural voice, for whatever poetic forms, and thats really what matters.

 

k

 

 

---

 

Easier to submit and pet the cat:

In so doing, his eyes no longer haunt

Except that he is never satisfied

Though I stay awake with him at night.

He brings along his brother, more the same.

The two of them, paw and tug and whine

In the bed that seems to small for all.

If I could dream, I would take them gladly

Along the rocky outskirts of my mind.

They shy away from sleep when I'm around:

Self-flattery, it is to think them mine

When all along they've had a simple plan

To see me fly away, and leave behind

This here bed, for themselves, more room to stretch.

thank you suse and w.s.

 

w.s. i enjoyed what you did and will likely keep some. :) this is starting to be fun.

 

i will do some sprucing and pruning and defleaing with my original, keeping in mind what suse has said about pentameter and syllables.

 

crow who wants to learn to write a sonnet

I'm getting to this a bit late. Sorry. Others have already mentioned the lines that are off in their syllable counts. I was wondering about trying to be less obvious that it's about cats, starting out; a little misdirection kind of thing, perhaps. I do like the ending with the cats' ulterior motive being revealed. Our two cats do the same thing--someone gets off the bed and they immediately lay down on the warm spot. Funny.

Although I stay awake with him at night,
He brings along his brother who's the same
All through the night they paw and tug and whine
In the bed that seems too small for all.

If I could dream, I would take them gladly

Along the rocky outskirts of my mind.

They shy away from sleep when I'm around.
Self-flattery it is to think them mine.

These cats have kept from me their desire;
To see me fly away from this old bed,

Can't speak or eveyone else, but I like the change. Of course, I do like humor and misdirection perhaps more than the average reader.

 

yep.  you corrected that teeny syllable all by yourself.

i don't know why, but i think an exclamation point at the end would make it so Dorothy Parker-ish!

 

i like the threesome -- cozy -- ending with those cats!

 

Mr. O had a good suggestion there, and i like the way you formed your own stanzas.

 

s.

 

Although I stay awake with him at night,
He brings along his brother who's the same
All through the night they paw and tug and whine
The bed is shrinking by degrees each night

If I could dream, I would take them gladly

Along the rocky outskirts of my mind.

They shy away from sleep when I'm around;
Self-flattery it is to think them mine.

These cats have kept from me their desire;
To see me fly away from this old bed,

c'est tout.  fini.

:)