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| | | From: gypsy (Original Message) | Sent: 8/30/2008 7:33 PM |
It’s not the tree whose bark falls soft despite
its age. Though love which flakes may well grow cold,
it’s wisdom’s not the promise here, but You
and I and all we never spoke. Rite
of passage, drums and trumpets never bold
enough to play the chords or souls of two
who walk apart yet come together, sweet
mysterious thread of ink so pale at life
that’s spent performing tasks in distant shores
where sand accumulates around our feet
and blows away at every step the strife,
banal attempt to close the open doors.
Opposing poles, the magnet pulls its way,
and yesterday's a threshold for today.
gypsy
August 25, 2008
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| | | From: gypsy | Sent: 8/30/2008 11:21 PM |
Thresholds
It’s not the tree whose bark falls soft despite
its age. Though love which flakes may well grow cold,
its wisdom’s not the promise here, but You
and I and all we never spoke. A rite
of passage, drums and trumpets never bold
enough to play the chords or souls of two
who walk apart yet come together, sweet
mysterious thread of ink so pale at life
that’s spent performing tasks in distant shores
where sand accumulates around our feet
and blows away at ev'ry step the strife,
banal attempt to close the open doors.
Opposing poles, the magnet pulls its way,
and yesterday's a threshold for today.
(better)?
Thank you, Gray! I noticed a short line, too. Thank you, Susan! This is a relief, because, almost inevitably, every time I have tried a sonnet, the rhyme pushes itself in this pattern. (I copied the indention from you  ) I learn from every comment, and I am so thankful! I will munch on the 'turn' in the couplet. I hate to admit it is purely luck on my part. It is like a trance, and it is harder to impede than to yield. This is why iambic pentameter (now that I have some idea of what it is) and rhyme pose a challenge to me. It is not that I favor them, but that this forces me to wiggle, as gypsiwind said, in a straight jacket of sorts. Also, I will never master the syllable count because I would have to look up every single word. I do not pronounce ev-e-ry, and have an intrinsic foreigner condition, haha. I babble, too! It touches me to see dedication to any form of art, and that you stop to be of help to me is most humbling. gypsy |
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| | | From: gypsy | Sent: 8/30/2008 11:38 PM |
is it myst-er-i-ous ?? ayayay if it is! to me, mys-te-rious.. or myst-er-ious hahahhaha |
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| | | From: _susan_ | Sent: 8/31/2008 2:43 AM |
mysterious thread of ink so pale at life still 1 too many. you could substitute a comma for "so"? s.
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| | | From: gypsy | Sent: 8/31/2008 2:54 AM |
Thresholds
It’s not the tree whose bark falls soft despite
its age. Though love which flakes may well grow cold,
its wisdom’s not the promise here, but You
and I and all we never spoke. A rite
of passage, drums and trumpets never bold
enough to play the chords or souls of two
who walk apart yet come together, sweet
enigma, thread of ink so pale at life
that’s spent performing tasks in distant shores
where sand accumulates around our feet
and blows away at ev'ry step the strife,
banal attempt to close the open doors.
Opposing poles, the magnet pulls its way,
and yesterday's a threshold for today.
(how's this? I thought dropping 'so' would leave two strong ones, 'ink, pale' together)?? Not sure about 'enigma.' This is where I begin to feel anxiety, and, when painting, a woman is left with one arm or one hand). |
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| | | From: _susan_ | Sent: 8/31/2008 2:59 AM |
i like it. enigma makes more sense. |
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| | | From: _susan_ | Sent: 8/31/2008 3:01 AM |
punctuation very helpful. |
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| | | From: gypsy | Sent: 8/31/2008 3:05 AM |
 Thank you, Susan! |
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This is lovely Gypsy; it shows me, again, that I have soooo much to learn... It scares me a bit/lot. Rythms, word-patterns, styles and...I will have to get very busy with the dictionary. Janie |
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I'm being dense here, gypsy, but I still have trouble with that line mysterious thread of ink so pale at life
that’s spent performing tasks in distant shores It's the at that's throwing me. I can't seem to reconcile it with both lines. Also having a hard time explaining myself. I like this very much. gray |
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thank you gypsy. Don't think my lack of understanding is a fault of your writing. Sometimes it's just me, like here. This works well, even jacketed in form as it is. thanks for your patient explanation. gray |
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| | | From: gypsy | Sent: 9/1/2008 9:11 PM |
pardon me, today i'm boiling, off to paint.. i see hurricane hanna menacing now.. eyes back to florida, too lazy for caps... boo |
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| | | From: gypsy | Sent: 9/2/2008 3:19 AM |
I'm so sorry, Grayling, Janie.. I meant to delete my second response, which was a dissertation completely out of focus.. No, Grayling, your questions are always valid. I, often, do not know with exactitude what I am talking or writing about. In real life, few follow my jumping bean logic. Keep me on my toes! Janie, you must know you are more apt with the pen than you say! Ok, hope this redeems me. I'm in a terrible mood. I also need not be waiting for Hanna. |
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