Pagan Solutions to Problematic Relationships
By Cate Cavanagh
We have all been there and some of us still struggle to repair painful relationships. A broken relationship is one in which we are not happy. This can be any relationship such as romantic relationships, friendships and family relationships with sisters, brothers, extended family members and of course, with our own parents. Very often, the scars we carry as helpless children influence us in many ways. We carry within the injured inner child we hear so much of. That little, frightened, needy person who cannot function as an empowered adult in the world or in relationships begins to run our lives as it begs for the love or acceptance it never received in a healthy childhood. In my personal experience, and in the experiences of those I know, most of the pain we suffer when we are unhappy in a relationship is really based on what we do not have within that relationship. What we really want is a situation that offers love and understanding. In the absence of this, the injured child within tries to obtain what it needs by running the treadmill of “acceptance by others�? We know this treadmill as we have put many miles on it since our youth changing ourselves to win the acceptance of family yet, instead of freeing ourselves from the running to be noticed and loved, we continue on this exhausting treadmill rather than demanding people accept us for who we are. As the inner child continues to seek, the self empowerment to expect unconditional love and acceptance continues to elude us.
Everyone has loved someone that caused pain, including me. Many say “love is blind�? I say people are. Real love accepts, trusts and is empowering. Where we allow ourselves to become blind, we overlook and make excuses for the pain we experience in our relationships. We may, eventually, begin to blame ourselves for the pain and abuses we experience in our relationships. Remember wanting the praise from a parent who may not have given it? Remember wondering if we were loved by our fathers? Parental love is not something we should ever wonder about. If we are, we never felt it and the inner child within will continue to seek feeling love from someone who either does not show love, is otherwise emotionally unavailable or even distant. In short, we choose partners that reflect the personalities of the very loved ones we believed we never pleased. Herein is the replaying of the same script only it is like a never ending rerun of our past. If we sit and fret and hope to be finally be appreciated for all we do the inner child embarks upon doing more and more to obtain the acceptance and appreciation it desperately needs.
A Pagan path forces us to look at accountability and responsibility. If we look at The Rede, this is very clear but, in broken relationships, we cross the line between accountability to the extreme. We assume all responsibility and all the work as we attempt to make these relationships work. We second guess our partners, we try to change who we are until we are lost to ourselves and yet, we never apply The Rede to our partner: somehow, we never truly hold them accountable.
I have been in broken relationships and in my deciding I had enough, I focused on my path. Goddess touches the spirit to value oneself! Goddess is self empowerment! Goddess is the gift to guiding us for what is best for her and Goddess whispers to our hearts what we need to do to reclaim our spirit power! The answers Goddess inspires are not always easy but the answers are provided. It is up to us to continue to play out our childhood drama or not. We do not have to yield to this inner child in a way that continually plays out sorrow. But, even our inner can be a marvelous tool. The truth is our inner child is telling us something about our relationships- and about ourselves. Although needy, the inner child is like any other child- smarter than given credit for and the more this inner child “needs�?the more he or she is telling us our relationships are broken.
Relationships that do not give us safety, acceptance and love as basic entitlements destroy us as the inner child continues to torment us with the perennial question: why am I not lovable? As adults we can begin to ask why do I love this person? Some relationships may have simply become stale or perhaps fallen into chaos because of real chaos. When the crisis has passed, these relationships may only need a jump start onto the track of love, safety and acceptance. Remaining in abusive relationships of any type or one in which there substance abuse, demeans us because we deserve more! But, if this was our environment when we were children, as adults we often remain “stuck�?reliving that childhood in the hopes of being rescued from it or finding comfort. Waiting to be rescued, like a princess in a tower, is not the action of a spiritually empowered adult. It is the fantasy dream of the inner child clinging for freedom from an adult that never gives permissions. We must, as the adults of our own souls, give ourselves permission to free ourselves and begin by declaring “No more!�?/STRONG>
Your inner child may still feel helpless but you, the adult, is not. You can recreate a new path in which what you need and deserve will be found. As Pagans, we have all had to take stands and in relationships that tear at our spirits. We must not be afraid to look at relationships that steal our self empowerment and self worth. When we see what we do not have, we can begin to eliminate any relationship that hinders us from feeling whole and sacred. Feeling special on our Pagan path offers personal freedom and empowerment. No experience is wasted as long as we realize the past gives us wisdom and wisdom gives us the power to make choices, wisely.
Making wise choices once we have decided what we really want and focusing on our Pagan path for strength and wisdom will help us select relationships that add to our experiences, not demean them. We cannot overlook that the wisest relationship decision we can make revolves around us. Real love of the self is part of spiritual development. Once this is established and the reclamation of the self that deserves happiness is accomplished, wholesome relationships will cross your path but, you have to believe you deserve them.
Always walk in spirit
Poet, columnist, author and activist
Coming soon: HER GODMOTHER and GRIEF DANCE
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