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Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the lines
written in RED INK.
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DON'T CHEAT!
This is a little test that has a pretty cool outcome.
Don't read ahead, just do it in order.
It takes about 3 minutes...
It's worth it and it's kind of weird...
|  | Now get a blank piece of paper and pen.
 
Reminder: When you are asked to choose names, make sure it's
people you ACTUALLY KNOW and go with your first instincts!
Scroll down one line at a time...don't read ahead or you'll ruin the fun!
Are you ready...
| | | 1. First, write the numbers 1 through 9 in a column.
2. Beside the 1 and 5, write down the names of members of the
opposite sex. Don't look ahead-or it won't turn out right!
3. Write anyone's name (like friends or family) in the 2nd, 3rd
and 4th spots. Don't cheat or you'll be upset that you did.
4. Write down four song titles in 6, 7, 8 and 9.
| | | Scroll down for the answers.
| | |  | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | 1. The person in space 1 is the one that you love.
2. The person in 5 is one you like but it can't work out.
3. You care most about the person you put in 2.
4. The person you name in number 3 is the one who knows you very well.
5. The person you name in 4 is your lucky star.
6. The song in 6 is the song that matches with the person in 1.
7. The title in 7 is the song for the person in 5.
8. The 8th space is the song that tells you most about your mind.
9. And 9 is the song telling how you feel about life!
| | | Pretty Weird, Huh?
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Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married, Hello to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I
can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you are doing well,
thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.
I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll
spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys
them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
But then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their
clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all.
Thank you so much for the flowers, dear boy. I put them in the
freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me...we
buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to
yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had
the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that
woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I bet she's never
even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane
beating off a gang of muggers last week, but don't you worry about
me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off
and actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my
constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more
money, because I know you need it for those expensive family
vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer
clothes your gold-digger demands you buy her.
Give my love to my darling Grandbabies and my regards to whatever-
her-name-is...the one who stole you screaming and kicking from a
loving home, and dragged you up to that God forsaken lawless
Sodom she calls a state.
With Love,
Mom
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 | | | | |  | OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys.
4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc.
| | | SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would
be using female products.....CORRECT?
| | | A STRANGE thing was happening at my house.
Tampons were disappearing! Yes, DISAPPEARING!!
| | | | |  | Ok....A few months ago I went to my cupboard to
get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left.
I could have sworn I had just bought a box the
month before. So, I go back to the store, buy
a new box and forget about it.
| | | The next month I go back to the cupboard...and VOILA....
there is only ONE tampon left again.
| | | | | What's going on here? ALIENS?!?!
I go to the store and buy another box,
and forget about it.
|  | | | WELL.....I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet
and LOW and BEHOLD....at the bottom of their closet are
the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.
| | | | |  | I am starting to FREAK!!!
Dear God, what are they doing with them???
| | | I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult
and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running
through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money
saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"
| | | I go to the top of the stairs and yell
for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!"
| | | They march up the stairs and find me in their
room staring into the bottom of their closet.
| | | | |  | I said,
"What are you doing with THOSE?
THOSE are MINE!"
| My 12 year old looks
like a deer caught
in the headlights
and is silent.
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 |  | The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully
dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed
and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to
a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away,
making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in
the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room
was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, including the
eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated
with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented
with a new puppy.
| | |  | | | "Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room...just wait."
| | | "That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.
| | | | | | | "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is
arranged...it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it...
| | | | | | | "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up.
I have a choice: I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty
I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed
and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as
my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've
stored away...just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account
...you withdraw from what you've put in...So, my advice to you would be
to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories Thank you
for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.
| | | | | | | Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
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 | | |  | A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate
and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years.
Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
| | | The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor
family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
| | | God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
| | | A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident
and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with
the same offer that He made the cat.
| | |  | | | The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been
chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could
only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
| | | God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly,
each mouse is fitted with a beautiful
pair of tiny roller skates.
|  | | | About a week later, God decides to check and see how the
cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks,
| | | | "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" | | | The cat yawns and stretches and says...
| | | "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those
Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best."
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A blonde decides to try horseback
riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She
mounts the horse unassisted and
the horse immediately springs
into motion.
|  | | | It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic
pace, but the blonde begins to slip from
the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the
horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down
the side of the horse anyway.
| | | The horse gallops along, seemingly
ignorant of its slipping rider.
| | |  | Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde
attempts to leap away from the horse and
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her
foot becomes entangled in the stirrup,
and she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against
the ground over and over. As her head is
battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when to
her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart
greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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 | | |  | Don't kick a man when he's down unless
you're certain he won't get up.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
This is as bad as it can get...but don't bet on it.
| | |  | By the time you can make ends meet,
they move the ends.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
| | | The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The other line always moves faster...until you get in it.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
| | | Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
It's hard to be nostalgic when
you can't remember anything good.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
|  | | | If you think that there is good in everybody,
you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong,
you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Do unto others.
| | |  | Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
Plagiarism saves time.
Teamwork...
means never having to take all the blame yourself.
| | | Never underestimate the power of
very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss
look like an incompetent slacker.
The Romans did not create a great empire by
having meetings; they did it by killing
all those people who opposed them.
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos...
then you probably haven't completely understood
the seriousness of the situation.
|  | | | Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exist elsewhere
in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give
a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply,
because they will stop making it.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
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Here are some new diet rules you can actually live by!
Start losing all the weight you ever dreamed of losing! | - Cookie pieces contain no fat - the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by Texas D" Lites distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no fat content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.
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| - Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are Ice Cream, Frozen pies and popsicles.
| |  | - Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories, e.g. spinach and pistachio ice cream; mush- rooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a universal color and maybe substituted for any other food color without increasing caloric content.
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| - If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
- If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner.... So encourage others to eat more... and more often...
| |  | - In food used for medicinal purposes the calories NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
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| - Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are not part of one's personal fuel... merely entertainment.
| |  | - Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich, ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae.
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| - When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. (see above, encouraging others)
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 | During my second month of nursing school, our professor
gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had
breezed through the questions, until I read the last one:
| | | "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
| | | Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning
woman several times. She was tall, red-haired and in
her early 40s, but how would I know her name?
|  | | | I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.
Just before class ended, one student asked if the
last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet
many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention
and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."
I've never forgotten that lesson.
I've also never forgotten her name was Dorothy.
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Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule.
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
|  | | |  | If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a federal matter now.
| | | Our hair can be purple or orange or green,
That's no offense, it's the freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise,
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
|  | | |  | For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the State.
| | | We're allowed to cuss & dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues & cheeks.
They've outlawed guns; but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
|  | | |  | We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the unwed daddy, our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
| | | We can get our condoms, & birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires & totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No Word of God must reach this crowd.
|  | | | It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns, the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot, My soul please take.
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 | A bum, who obviously has seen more than
his share of hard times, approaches a
well-dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
| | | The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are
not going to spend it on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
| | | You are not going to throw it away gambling,
are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
| | | "You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course
for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
| | | The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a
home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading
for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.
| | | "Isn't your wife going to be angry when
she sees a guy like me at your table?"
| | | "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it.
I want her to see what happens to a guy who
doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."
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* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars,
and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has
wet paint, and he has to touch it. * How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets
with his chest, but always ducked when
someone threw a gun at him? * If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did
MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes. * Why is it called a HAMBURGER,
when it's made out of BEEF?
* Why does SOUR CREAM
have an Expiration date? * If "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"
....then what is the opposite of PROGRESS? * Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial
ingredients.... but DISH WASHING LIQUID
contains real lemons? * How much deeper would the ocean be,
if SPONGES didn't grow in it?
* Why buy a product that it takes
2000 flushes to get rid of? * Why do we wait until a PIG
is dead, to "CURE" it? * Why do we wash BATH TOWELS -
aren't we clean when we use them? * Why doesn't GLUE stick to
the inside of the bottle?
 *Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
 Have A Great Day! |
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