|
|
 |
|
Reply
| | From:  Chrismac682 (Original Message) | Sent: 5/4/2008 4:09 PM |
Male Victims After hanging up the phone today, I wanted to scream, “What is going on?�?It almost seems unreal. I am having increasing calls and emails addressing men being abused by their wives. They feel helpless, trapped, and don’t know how to fight back. Most of them fortunately have the strong belief inside them that it is not okay to ever hit a woman, so despite their physical strength they are suffering. Even worse, I hear horrible stories about abusive behavior being done to the children. The wife is yelling out-of-control at the children, swearing, hitting, grabbing, and pulling. I want to ask what is happening where women are taking on hitting, throwing things, and using threats that have been characteristically male behavior? I know the answers intellectually. Such women have been abused in the past. They are messed up and hurt, but somehow that just doesn’t make a ton of sense when I look at the fact that they are mothers. MOTHERS. How can you go through the nine months that it takes to get a child here and then degrade that child and hurt and haunt both the child and your husband? Mothers are the ones typically left home with the children. That puts the child at even more risk. I am having a tough time finding statistics on men who are getting abused. I find different reports from different groups that range from a very small percentage to a lot of men being abused. The numbers aren’t as well-accepted as women who are victims. It is an area that is getting more attention but hasn’t had as much focus over the years as women victims. There are good reasons for that. First off, the men abusers almost always have their physical size that presents an increased threat to the victim. Rarely are men afraid for their life when they are being abused, while many women have that fear, but that doesn’t mean the man’s situation is easy. Men still feel frustrated, beaten down, trapped and hopeless, but none that I have worked with felt that if they left their wife would hunt them down and kill them. They do worry about retaliation and what will happen to their children and those are very real serious concerns to worry about. To make studying this problem even more difficult, abusive men like to claim that they are the victim. Often times they do think they are the victim because their lack of ability to take responsibility for their life and what happens to them in their life. Others see it as an effective way to get the victim in line. (Common things abusers do is to provoke the victim until the victim reacts then call the cops on the reaction.) Overall the problem of abuse is complicated and no longer considered socially just a female problem. Many are feeling helpless and trapped, which results in depression. The only solution that I see in the near future is to help empower and educate everyone on how to healthily get their needs met and how to protect themselves when others are assaulting them by either words or fists. Some ways to empower yourself and your children against the onslaught: - Read as much as you can about abuse and learn to recognize abusive technique.
- Don’t personalize the attacks. Realize when someone is coming after you it is about them not you. They are the ones who have the problem.
- Come up with creative ways to resist taking in the abusive insults. For example when someone is degrading you learn to put up boundaries and not stay in the room when being degraded. If that isn’t possible, you could count backwards as they talk therefore making it impossible to hear everything they say. Or my favorite technique: imagine there is a force field around you and everything that they are saying is bouncing back and at them.
- Learn to have a healthy self-care so that it is easier to stand up for yourself.
- If the problems continue, work with a life coach or therapist to get perspective and the tools that you need.
- Counteract a false or degrading thought with a more positive truthful one.
- Pay close attention to your story. Is the other person always at fault? If this is the case, watch the patterns more closely. Each person always has a contributing factor to the problem. Ask yourself, are there things you did to contribute to or provoke the problem? What are they? How can you stop that behavior? What can you do to help?
Bottom line, abuse is a plague that is affecting our society, both men and women and their children. If you can help those that are affected, learn ways to be supportive. If you are a victim either male or female, know that you are not alone and that are ways to make your and your family’s situation better. --------------------------------------------------
Whether you are a family member or friend, in the helping field, or victim, filling the toolbox with skills to confront the insidiousness of abuse is a must.
One of the things I personally found incredibly powerful when I was faced head-on with abuse was applying the law of attraction in my life. I would constantly keep the image of me and my children being free and happy. This empowered me to take the next step. I’ve recently found in world class training how to do this in an even more effective way. I wanted to share that method and tools with you so you can reap the benefits in your own life and in the life of those you are trying to help. Check it out. You won’t regret it. 2008 Surviving Abuse |
|
 First
Previous
2-3 of 3
Next
Last
|
|
Reply
| |
Battered Men - The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence Help for Battered Men Why Men Don't Do Anything About It | |   Here’s some information from Phil Cook’s pamphlet for battered men. (Ordering information: see Phil's Web site. Why not order a handful and try to get your local DV shelter program to put them out?)
 | HOW MEN COPE Taking on a macho “I can handle it�?attitude. Even if you have been hurt much worse on an athletic playing field, that is not the same thing as being physically attacked by your intimate partner, which hurts emotionally as well as physically. Allowing this pattern to continue can result in depression, substance abuse, loss of confidence, even suicide. (At its worst, It has resulted in death at the hands or a partner or someone induced to kill you by the partner.) “Men Don’t Tell.�?/B> This is the actual title of a fact-based CBS TV movie about male victims of domestic abuse. Keeping silent, (not confiding to a friend, relative or professional) is a common reaction of both male and female victims of domestic abuse; it’s embarrassing. Men typically face a greater degree of disbelief and ridicule than do most women in this situation, which helps enforce the silence. Domestic violence victims make excuses for injuries that show (“It was an accident�?or “it happened while playing sports�? when friends or medical personnel ask about them. Hiding From it. Men often escape a bad home life that they are afraid of by spending extra time at work, staying in “their�?space (garage, den) at home, or even sleeping in the car or at a friends place. |
As my wife and I discussed this and reviewed case histories we're familiar with, we came up with five major, interrelated categories why a man--or a woman--might stay in an abusive relationship: What will my friends, family, colleagues and neighbors think?
What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me?
It's a private matter--belongs in the family
If I say anything, she'll tell everyone I'm the abusive one, and shame me in public
I'm ashamed I'm not strong enough to defend myself.
Everyone knows it's men that are the violent ones (shame of male for being male) I probably deserved it.
This is the best I deserve.
With my looks, or age, or personality, or income, this is as good a relationship as I'll ever be able to get. It's not that bad.
All I have to do is leave the house until she cools down. (That's what TV star Phil Hartman said , before his wife murdered him and killed herself.)
I can weather this one, just like I did the others. - Reluctance to Give Up the Good
If people got to know her, they'd see what a creative, or loving, or wonderful person she is.
She's like this only some of the time.
The sex is great, and I can put up with being batted around a little.
I'd be lost without a relationship with her.
I'd be lost without a relationship. It's too hard to do anything.
I'm not ready for that much change in my life.
I'll do it tomorrow, or later, when I'm not so busy.
Sounds like a lot of work--more to take care of than I can handle right now.
Force of habit. I'm used to life the way it is now. Another reason for staying is to protect the kids. The research shows that people--women as well as men--who assault their partners are likely to assault their children, too. If he leaves, chances are he'll never be able to come back. In today's climate, there's a good chance she'll be able to allege that he has assaulted her or assaulted or even sexually abused the kids, and get a protection order on her say-so, barring him from seeing the kids. This was a common theme in many of the battered men's personal stories here on MenWeb. Sorry, guys, but if you need to come up with a safety plan and plan out a way for you and the kids to leave the abusive relationship, you also need a "dose of reality" about what some of the risks and problems are. They aren't insurmountable problems, and many guys have overcome them, but they are difficult ones. But there's another factor, too. If a man is being battered and trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, too-frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. This was another common theme in many of the battered men's personal stories here on MenWeb. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he's been assaulted or that he needs police help. Family violence researcher Murray A. Straus observes: Men are also less likely to call the police, even when there is injury, because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives under control. Among this group, a "real man" would be able to keep her under control. Moreover, the police tend to share these same traditional gender role expectations. This adds to the legal and regulatory presumption that the offender is a man. As a result, the police are reluctant to arrest women for domestic assault. Women know this. That is, they know they are likely to be able to get away with it. As in the case of other crimes, the probability of a woman assaulting her partner is strongly influenced by what she thinks she can get away with. One man's story. Why don't men seek help? A male therapist who had to deal with abuse issues in his own life posted an answer to that on Usenet. Doug Flor was formerly a project coordinator for the Department of Child and Family Development and the Adolescent Development Research Program, Institute for Behavioral Research, The University of Georgia | |
|
Reply
| |
Battered Men - The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence Help for Battered Men Are You Abused? | | Are you battered or abused? Ask yourself these questions: Victims of domestic violence come from all walks of life �?all cultures, all income groups, all ages, all religions. [MenWeb: They also come in both sexes.] They share feelings of helplessness, isolation, guilt, fear, and shame. All hope it won't happen again, but often it does. ARE YOU ABUSED? DOES THE PERSON YOU LOVE... �?"Track" all of your time?
�?Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
�?Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
�?Prevent you from working or attending school?
�?Criticize you for little things?
�?Anger easily when drinking or on drugs?
�?Control all finances and force you to account in detail for what you spend?
�?Humiliate you in front of others?
�?Destroy personal property or sentimental items?
�?Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or the children?
�?Use or threaten to use a weapon against you?
�?Threaten to hurt you or the children?
�?Force you to have sex against your will? If you find yourself saying yes, it's time to get help. Developed by the National Crime Prevention Council in Partnership with MOTOROLA®. Anger and conflict is common in a relationship. What's important is how we handle it. Has it gone too far? Is there an anger problem you need help with? Here are some "anger indicators," from the Web site of Jerry Medol's highly-successful, male-positive Kansas City Alternatives to Anger program. Are any of these true for your relationship? If so, get help! 1. If anybody is being touched or controlled or dominated, if any abuse is being forced against the will of another, there is abuse going on ...it is likely to be violent ... it is an anger problem. 2. If you feel attacked or criticized or shamed, or if you find yourself on the defensive a lot ...you have an anger problem. 3. If you find yourself not able to listen or if you find yourself shaming another person ...you have an anger problem. 4. If either or both of you are raging about what is going on ... you both have an anger problem. 5. If either of you feels that you are pushed to the point that you must "take control", verbally or physically ... that is an anger problem. 6. If you are in a relationship with somebody who has an anger problem ... you also have an anger problem. Are You in an Abusive Relationship? A man who had to deal with abuse issues in his own life (and who has started a message board for abused men) looked into the issue of how a man can know if his relationship is abusive. He found two books that focus on women in abusive relationships, but none for men. He has extracted and edited sections from these books, to make them relevant for men. Click here to see what he came up with. Ultra-Sensitive Men and Abusive Relationships Not just for ultra-sensitive men. Ultra-sensitive men don't have different reactions to an abusive relationship, often, they have more intense reactions. They're magnified, and we can see them more clearly. If you recognize any of the patterns you see in this article, whether or not you're ultra-sensitive, it's time to look at whether your relationship is abusive. Some clues: - Do you dread "talks" with her?
- Does your pulse rise and your mind become foggy at the mere thought of a disagreement or conflict with her?
- Will you do anything to avoid the conflict and keep the peace?
- Do you have inexplicable aches and pains, or tenseness?
- Are these worse when you're around her?
- Do you have panic attacks at the mere thought of conflict, or mere thought of being with her?
- Do you find yourself looking for a lot more "alone time"?
- Does being alone seem a lot more calming and appealing than spending time with her?
Click here to find out more. | Click here to read why men don't do anything about it |  | language=JavaScript> </SCRIPT>  | | language=JavaScript> </SCRIPT> |
| Click here to return to MenWeb's Battered Men page | |
| Click here to go to MenWeb's Dating Violence Men page |
| Know a man who may be battered? Print out this page and give it to him. Often, it'll be enough to get him to talk to you about it -- if not right away, perhaps in a bit. And talking to another man about it is the first step in healing -- in survival.
Remember: TV star and comedian Phil Hartman never talked about his marital problems, either, except to joke about having to leave the house when his wife was mad. He told everyone the marriage was wonderful -- as so many men do. | |
|
|
|
Free Forum Hosting
Important Announcement
