Certainly, if they are physically abusing you, there will be scratches, bites, bruises, cuts, and other injuries to indicate what's going on. Remember that assaulting and battering someone is a criminal offense, and you don't deserve it no matter how old or young you are, how mad the person became, or whether you were having a heated argument with them beforehand. As the saying goes: Your right to hit me ends where the end of my nose begins." - Maia's abuse survivor site hhhh.org/maia/. Thank you for making this information available.

Psychological and emotional battering, through verbal abuse, accompanies physical battering. It kills your spirit. It cripples your self-esteem and your sense of self-worth. In many ways, this type of abuse does far more damage and long-term devastation than do physical blows. Unfortunately, with this type of abuse, it can't be recognized as easily as a black eye, a bruise or a broken bone... and it almost always occurs behind closed doors.

Because they have not witnessed your partner acting abusively, friends and family members often do not understand or believe. Abusers are usually excellent actors, therefore, many people outside your home may only know your partner as a "wonderful person" or a "really great lady." Little do they suspect how cruel and spiteful your partner truly is.

Closed door abuse, in whatever form it takes... breaks hearts. We are left alone to wonder... Why does she treat me like this? Why only me? Why not anyone else?

When our partner abuses us in any way, our self-esteem and self-worth begin to wither and die. We may think there is something "wrong" with us. We may begin to feel that we are not likeable or loveable. We may turn to drugs or alcohol to help us cope. We feel shamed... eventually we may feel angry and enraged.

Please be aware: When anger is hidden or buried or turned inward... it can often make itself known through "depression." We may think, feel and honestly believe that we are suffering with depression, but in truth, we are quietly eating ourselves up with repressed rage over feeling hurt, humiliated and isolated.

 Psychological and Emotional Battering Through Verbal Abuse:

 Nobody has the right to abuse anyone else, ever.

Many men think or believe, that if they are not being physically harmed by their partner, then they are not being abused. This is far from true. If you are in a relationship which is draining something from you... you might not have recognized that your partner is eroding your self-esteem and happiness through verbal, mental, emotional and other forms of abuse.

The following is a list of ways to tell if someone is abusing you without physically touching you:

  Discounting: Does the abuser ignore or disparage your feelings? Do they put down your feelings? Do they dismiss you with statements such as, "you're too sensitive" or "you don't have a sense of humour" or "you're just taking it wrong"?

  Withholding: Does the abuser stop speaking to you when they're displeased? Do they ignore you? Do they withdraw affection in order to punish you?

  Countering: Does the abuser tell you you're wrong if you don't agree with them? Do they argue against your every thought? Do they tell you your feelings are wrong? Do they tell you that you don't know what you're talking about? Do they forbid you from having your own opinions?

  Ridicule [Verbal Abuse Disguised as Jokes]: Does the abuser make fun of you? Do they ridicule you regarding subjects about which you are particularly sensitive? Do they seem to enjoy it? Do they accuse you of not being able to take a joke? Do they use sarcasm to put you down?

  Blocking and Diverting: Does the abuser change the subject when you try to bring something up? Do they divert serious discussions by accusing you of various things?

  Accusing and Blaming: Does the abuser blame you for everything that goes wrong? Do they accuse you of hurting them when you tell them your feelings? Do they accuse you of having affairs? Are they jealous?

  Trivializing: Does the abuser belittle what you say? Do they dismiss your feelings or accomplishments? Do they insult you when you express pride in your own abilities? Do they act as if your work is no big deal?

  Undermining: Does the abuser squelch your enthusiasm with insensitive comments such as, "You wouldn't understand", or "You'll never make it"? Do they sabotage your ideas by pointing out all the ways in which they might fail? Do they interrupt you when you need time alone?

  Threatening: Does the abuser threaten you, overtly or covertly? Do they threaten you with violence? Do the threaten you with emotional pain? Do they threaten you with knives, guns or some other weapon?

  Name-calling: Does the abuser use vulgarities to insult you? Do they call you cruel names? Do they use terms of endearment with intense sarcasm?

  Forgetting: Does the abuser make a promise and then "forget" to keep it? Do they pretend not to remember certain incidents or discussions? Do they pretend not to remember prior agreements?

  Ordering: Does the abuser order you to do something instead of asking? Do they demand things?

  Judging and Criticizing: Does the abuser find fault with everything you do? Do they tell you that you "ought to" or "should" do things a certain way?

  Denial: Does the abuser deny that certain things happened? Do they tell you that they didn't say something, or that you never saw something occur?

  Abusive Anger: Does the abuser erupt into a rage when they are angry? Do they scream, yell, or shout? Do they hurl obscenities? Does their body language become more aggressive? Do they stomp, strut, hit things, or hit you? Do they become red in the face? Do they throw things?

Do they physically get in your way, or follow you from room to room? Do they snap at you? Are they usually irritable? Does all of this usually take place in private, when you are alone? [It's a sure sign things are escalating if the abuser attacks you in public.] Does the abuser blame you for their anger?

Psychological & Emotional Battering from Maia's abuse survivor site hhhh.org/maia/. Thank you for making this information available.

Destruction of Property and Pets:

Another type of abuse manifests itself in the form of destruction of property and pets. Unlike physical or sexual violence, this form of battering is done without actually attacking or ever touching the victim's body. It is, nevertheless, an assault on the victim.

With this type of abuse, the destruction is not random. The abuser exhibits anger by destroying the victim's favorite possessions that are thrown against the wall, a gift she gave during courtship, a pet puppy is kicked, a family heirloom destroyed, etc. The objects chosen for destruction are aimed at hurting the victim emotionally as well as a demonstration of power and control.

Occasionally the objects destroyed are selected randomly, but the destruction is still purposeful. To make a point, objects are thrown or destroyed and the victim never knows when the assaults on property will turn into physical assaults. As is consistent with battering and abuse of any type, the victim is usually blamed for causing the outburst or destruction of the property.

This type of violence normally does not stay contained within the area of property and pets, but escalates to include violence directed physically toward the victim. Don't ignore the danger of this type of abuse!

Other Abusive Acts and Behaviors:

  Financial Abuse or Exploitation: Does your abuser control how you spend money, where you work and what property you buy? Spend all family income including your money or savings? Use credit cards without your permission; destroying your credit rating? Force you to turn over your benefit payments?

  Spiritual Abuse: Does your abuser put down or attack your spiritual beliefs? Not allow you to attend the church, synagogue or temple of your choice? Force you to join or stay in a cult?

  Sexual Abuse: Does your abuser touch you or act in a sexual way that you don't want? Force or pressure you into sexual acts? Not let you have information and education about sexuality? Infect you with HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases?

  Neglect and Isolation: Does your abuser not let you see a doctor or dentist? Take away TTY, hearing aids or a guide dog? Lock you in the house without a phone? Not allow you to take courses such as ESL (English as a Second Language) or other educational classes?

  How does your partner treat you?

How many of these abusive things has your partner done to you?

Has she ignored your feelings? Does she ridicule or insult men as a group?

Has she ridiculed or insulted your most valued beliefs, your religion, race, heritage or class?

Does she withhold approval, appreciation or affection as punishment?

Has she continually criticized you? Called you names? Shouted at you?

Does she humiliate you in private or public? Has she refused to socialize with you?

Has she kept you from working? Controlled your money? Made all decisions? Has she refused to work or share money?

Does she play mind games on you? Does she tell you you're crazy or sick?

Has she taken car keys or money away from you?

Does she threaten to leave you or tell you to leave? Has she manipulated you with lies and contradictions?

Has she threatened to hurt you or your family? Has she abused, tortured, killed pets to hurt you?

Does she harass you about affairs she imagines you are having? Does she say that she will kill or hurt herself if you break up with her?

Has she destroyed objects or furniture? Kicked holes in walls? Broken appliances?

Has she wielded a gun or weapons in a threatening way?

Does she tell you that if you changed she wouldn't get angry with you? Does she have a short temper that escalates intensely if you oppose her?

Does she make excuses for her abuse by saying it's because of alcohol, drugs or something you did?

Does she always check up on you or question you about what you do when she is not around?

Does her jealousy and control stop you from seeing friends or family? Does she prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?

  How do you feel around your partner?

Do you feel nervous around her?

Do you have to be careful to control your behavior or what you say to avoid her anger/temper?

Do you feel pressured by her when it comes to sex?

Are you afraid of disagreeing with her?

Does she make you feel ashamed, embarrassed or humiliated?

Does she make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy, worthless, or inadequate?

Do you ever feel scared around her because of her violent or threatening behavior?

Do you often do things to please her, rather than to please yourself?

Do you feel that nothing is ever good enough for her?

"Emotional abuse is underneath all other types of abuse. The most damaging aspect of physical, sexual, mental etc. abuse, is the trauma to our hearts and souls from being betrayed by the people that we love and trust."  - Robert Burney