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The physical abuse I suffered started after my mother re-married. After my parents divorced I watched my mother change from a very high spirited elegant woman to a hard/callous blithering alcoholic. Therefore we are what we attract and therefore she attracted a blithering alcoholic and married him. It seems that things were fine the first year or so, but my stepfather had the biggest ego that one could have and was extremely sports oriented, being a pro league kickout of the Dodgers due to this temper. (Nothing against pro-leaguers btw ) Long story short, the man would get himself quite liquored and would find anything and everything of fault with everyone else but himself. The abuse started with my mother. They used to get into knock down drag out fights that I am surprised that she survived landing in the hospital at least once, and probably should have gone other times. It didn't take long before his form of discipline with me turned from spanking to knocking me in the head, kicking me in the back, and flat out punching me to throwing me or should I say launching me across rooms against walls, knocking the wind clear out of me, at times unconscious for a few seconds at a time. Yes, I had marks but would never go to anyone about the issue as I automatically thought it was all my fault, and at times thought it was all my fault that my mother was getting beat up to. She just drank more and repeatedly stated that no man is perfect and we should be lucky that we found him because outside of his outbursts he was a good man, and you know what it took me years to figure out that he was. Just a sick man. It took years to come to forgiveness of this man for all of the beating and the yelling and the emotional abuse that he put my mother and I through. It took years for me to forgive my mother for putting us through that danger, but I understand the baffling effects of alcoholism and codependence. She finally left him for good and divorce to follow when I turned 17 and went to live with my father for a time. When I returned to live with my mother shortly before I turned 18 he threatened to hunt me down and kill me as I was the one who ruined things between him and my mother, LOL. The things that stick in an alcoholic mind is amazing. I met my first love when I was 19. He was a cop with Riverside county. He was beautiful, strong, masculine, and attentive. I was crazy inlove and things went rather well for a couple of years until about the time I turned 21. We ran a business together and ran it out of our home. This added a great deal of stress to our lives, as our personal relationship was directly intertwined wtih our business relationship and we found that we had no separation from each other. For some mysterious reason, this made him more possessive, wanting to know every second of my whereabouts. I think the physical abuse started when I was 10 minutes late getting home from the mall with my best friend. I was automatically screwing around on him at that point. I was pushed and shoved, and when I pushed back then it was on. 220 lb cop with all the moves vs 125 lb twink boi, guess who had the black and blue marks? The funny thing is I automatically started blaming myself for my black and blue marks. I called the cops one time, they laughed at me. Cops stick together and that was a very sick feeling. Another time he took his gun out and put it to my head. He was shaky and sweaty and scared the living shit out of me. Somewhere, somehow, I told myself I wasn't putting out enough, I shouldn't disagree with him as much with business matters, I wasn't giving him enough sex which was an effort because after you're abused your heart just isn't in it anymore, but still made myself feel guilty for falling out of love with him. Sounds insane huh? Welcome to the world of having your spirit robbed. I was insistent on making things work with him out of this guilt that I had that I should have never had in the first place. I no longer loved him, but I made myself emotionally dependent on him. Welcome to the world of codependence. There was no alcohol abuse in this relationship by the way. I was away on business and decided to come home a day early to beat the heat wave that was coming on. I decided this at the last minute and didn't tell him thinking that it would be a nice surprise. I came home to some little bomb shell latin guy in my house. It was on folks!! I destroyed everything in the house, every last dish, every piece of glass, every piece of furniture, right in front of my so-called boyfriend of 3 years, and his little latin toy and don't even remember doing most of the damage I was so angry. I must have been pretty angry because my soon to be x-boyfriend went to the other end of the house and virtually hid. I told the little wide eyed trick to get out of the house or I was going to call immigration. He left, lol. God, talk about DRAMA! I took what was left in our accounts which wasn't much come to find out. That's when I discovered the little trips to L.A., Disneyland etc. I grabbed a U-haul van, stripped the house, stripped the office, except for essentials and moved 400 miles away. After I moved, I bankrupted the business and of course bankrupted him. Everything was in my name. He was devastated and even had the gull and the stupidity to call me and tell me that he was going to come up and kill me. He left this message on my answering machine which I turned over to the Fresno P.D. Never heard from him again. It wasn't until after I moved and started a new life that I started drinking. I vowed I would never drink watching my parents become such bad alcoholics, but I was insecure, didn't know what to do, figured out that I was somehow good looking and the attention that I got at gay bars filled the big empty void that I had or at least I thought it did. The only role model that I had was my mother, and I filled her shoes. She had her heart broken, and she turned to booze and men to comfort her and fill the void. This went on for years folks, and I was quite the functional alcoholic for years but that's another story all together. It took a great deal of therapy and working the steps for me to discover who I truly was, and the value that I had to not only myself but to others. Abuse is another word for RAPE. No matter what type of abuse you suffer, the abuser is taking from you against your will. You are being violated whether verbal, physical, or sexual. You must make vital decisions and hard decisions to change your life, rise above, leave the abuser behind, and start the therapuetic cycle. It is a very hard thing to do, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. That's the upside. I'll close with one last highly debated thought. As hard as it was, I could not completely shed the pain of being abused until I forgave my abusers. It was the hardest thing to come to terms with, and saying the words isn't enough. You have to honestly forgive these people for being sick and hurt. When I finally shed the pain by forgiving my abusers I lost my anger for them and I realized that I truly feel sorry for them, for they are in much more misery than I am and that's a sad life to live. I hope they can find help and shed the anger that they must have as well as the inner guilt. Brandon |
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| | | From: francs | Sent: 10/9/2006 7:59 AM |
hi Brandon What you went through was absolutely terrible. but that you have been able to forgive your abusers does mean that you can heal. there is visualization healing that might help. You can visualize god going back into the painful incidents and see him hugging you and filling you with his healing love. Or you can see yourself as an adult doing this for your inner child. But certainly building up your self esteem by praising yourself for everything that you do no matter how small will help. As for myself I was the victim of emotional psychological and physical abuse from my mom that gave me the depression and ruined my life. It has taken many years to put the pieces back together again and things are much better now than what they were years ago but there is still some progress to make. God bless and best wishes from your friend from Francis |
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Oh, my poor dears --- what kinda mothers? I'm a mother, too, and have never spanked or yelled at my 25-year old Will nor my 18-year old Karen, and they're the nicest peeps, they truly are. I kind of dislike my husband of 28+ years; he wanted to hit the kids, but I prevented that. I'm a little girl; just 5 foot 2, but I'll tear Bill's testicles off and shove 'em down his throat if he threatens my kittens (his, too), and he has never because he's afraid of me. One time, he hit Will in the face. They were in a parking lot of a store; this happened about ten years ago. My Will didn't tell me about this until several years later, because he knew that I'd like kill Bill. Dang it, MSN is growling, better flyl, more later |
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"Or you can see yourself as an adult doing this for your inner child."  Yes indeed, this was one of the key visualizations that helped. Thank you Francs. Christine,,, Though it may be hard to understand, and though my mother did stand up for us, the cycle of codependency and alcoholism that my mother suffered during those years prevented my mother from doing the right things however golden her intentions were. It has taken a-lot of years of working through this to come to terms with my mothers maladies as well as mine. Children do follow in their parents footsteps often enough. I am a prime example. Brandon |
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"Golden intentions", my tush. Your mother should have taken a stand for you; she didn't . She left you in the dust while supporting her own pleasures. Sorry for having disrespect for your mother; can't help it. I'm a mother, too, and I never left my dear son and daughter floundering --- I'm an alcoholic, but I have a deep, abiding love for people, and I don't neglect and I don't hurt. I wish I was your mother; you would never had to experience the hell, because I would never allow it. Selfish people don't ring my chimes, if you know what I mean. Sorry if I've offended you; I'll crawl back into my nest and behave my bad self. Love, Kiki  |
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| | | From: francs | Sent: 10/11/2006 7:34 AM |
Hi Christine I am glad that you stand up for your kids and you do not let them be hit. I think that my mother did have a very bad relationship with her own father who was a wife beater. He was also quite harsh with the children. This is screwed her up emotionally and she was not much good with children. My two half sisters told me that she was definitely not a children type of person. In fact her father separated us when I was thirteen and sent me to be raised by my godmother because of the abuses. She did prevent me from having a relationship with my sisters until after her death six years ago. It was rather strange meeting up with them as middle aged people and total strangers. We cannot put back in the lost years but we are doing their best we can to build a good relationship even though we live in different countries. They live in England whereas I live in Ireland. God bless and lots of hugs from your friend Francis |
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| | | From: francs | Sent: 10/11/2006 7:38 AM |
Hi Brandon Repairing the psychological damage done in childhood takes a lifetime and I am still repairing the damage done to me. But however it is best to forgive the perpetrators as you have done because otherwise healing cannot take place. But certainly medication and therapy will enable you to get things the way that you want them. Please god everything goes well for you in the future. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis |
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Francis and Brandon --- do you have any idea how sorry I am that you suffered abuse, and do you believe me when I say that parents (no matter what their psychological problems) have no excuse to take it out on their babies????? You both are very kind and supportive of your moms, and forgiving; I'm not. My mother never treated me that way, and although I'm a pacifist, I feel like traveling to Ireland and England and beating the living crap out of mothers who would abuse their sweet children. Fwa? what's up with abuse; is it cool? Not in my eyes! If my children were threatened by anyone, my talons and\ fangs would come out. So be it! I've been treated very well by my parents (who just cele- brated their 58th anniversary on Oct. 2nd), and my sister and my brother don't spank, either. You must know, you must, that violence is bad. You are two wounded souls and I care deeply for both of you, and want you to excel. Love, Kiki |
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Christine, You did not offend me, because your intentions were golden Alcoholism affects people in different ways. My mother thought she was doing the right things though she was not. I did not steal like so many addicts/alcoholics do during active addiction but that doesn't make me any less of an alcoholic. I chose to work through the issues that I had with my mother, and my mother chose to work through the issues that she had with me. It turned out to be a win/win. If two people can work towards working out a relationship, reaching for a positive outcome, then forgiveness is not so unattainable. Actually forgiveness is the easy part. Turns out my mother helped me work through a-lot of my pain probably more so than anyone else. I love my mother very much for the person she is today, and the person she was yesterday. Did I agree with much of the past? No way, however the experience of rebuilding the relationship that I have with my mother on this journey we call life I wouldn't change for the world. Actually, I would't change too much of anything that has occured in my past because it happened for a reason and because of the past I am presently a mold of overcoming all of these obstacles. My spirituality is different. I believe that we choose the lives and the challenges that come our way in this life. This outlook takes the "victim" out of the equation. Brandon |
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Thank you Francis, Though I have been through many therapuetic sessions and appreciate them greatly and have been medicated in the past heavily, I am doing quite well now. I do believe that I was on medication way too long and though I give credence to the benefits of medication I wholeheartedly believe that the psychiatric community administer these drugs way too often and quite carelessly. They have caused me a-lot of harm. Brandon |
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Brandon, you are a very loyal son. I'm sorry if I still think that your mom doesn't deserve your loyalty, but that's just me. I just can't get past the part when you were young and vulnerable, and got no protection; that bites, in my book. Had you been MY son, you never would have suffered, and I'm truly not trying to paint myself as Mother Teresa; just trying to spread the message that parents should protect and succor their young; not go off and do whatever the hell feels good for them. Responsibility! I'm an alcoholic, not because of my parents, but because of trying to keep up with my friends. My parents didn't just SAY be responsible, they lived their lives that way, and cherished me and my sister and my brother. They are true role- models, and I've strived to emulate them. I have turned their lives around, too, because my hus- band is Black, and my daughter (whom they adore) is a Lesbian. The ripple effect, dontcha know! Once you love somebody, it's impossible to hate them for what they are (unless they're pedophiles or ax-murderers), so there you have it; Bill can't change his skin color, and Karen can't change her gender-preference, and God doesn't make mistakes, dang it. I'm very proud of my daughter, for her kindness and caring about changing the hateful climate we live in right now. She's only 18, but she has wisdom that many 70-year-olds don't. Dang it all, MSN is rumbling again, more later! |
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Brandon, my dear, you are very loyal to your mom. I'm still left wondering what possible issues she had with YOU when you were a little guy? I'm sorry, I just don't like her --- she should have been in your corner, and while I'm glad to hear that things have been getting better as far as your relationship with her, why do I get the idea that it was YOU fostering it??? Why do I get the impression that You alone are making the effort here? Now that you're all grown up, does she want YOU to rescue her from her troubled life? I don't understand... I'm an alcoholic, too, and never stealed (well, I did lie plenty, just mainly to protect the feelings of my loved ones who were concerned about me), and I think just maybe it was because of my parents, who treated me so well, that I didn't become a user/loser; that's why I tried so hard (and succeeded) at making my own children happy adults. I'm not trying to brag here; just saying that people should cherish their children, not stifle them. Okay, I'm just gonna say one more thing, then I'll shut up ---- YOU EXCELLED despite your mother, not because of her. She (in my eyes) can take no credit for the wonderful man you are, and I totally respect you for being so kind and loving. Okay, now I'll traipse off to my bed-chamber; I hope you're not mad at me, sometimes I speak out of turn. Sweet Dreams, Sweet Brandon! Love, Kiki  |
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why is it i keep seeing peoples responses to brandons abuse story but have
yet to actualy see it for myself ???
peace
bud,
contry. |
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Chrisitine, Thank you, and I do stand behind everything that I have said. The issues that my mother had with me were not issues developed when I was a child. They are issues that developed when I was an active addict, and no, my mother does not expect me to take her fallout from her own issues. We have both dealt with our "issues" responsibly. In an effort to give strength to the words already written, I have nothing else to write. Have a great night Brandon |
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Contry, It is the beginning topic of this thread. Go onto the site, select "Surviving Abuse" from the message board section. Then select "Brandon's abuse story". |
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