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| | | From: moklemoke (Original Message) | Sent: 9/27/2007 7:57 AM |
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second a thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a
nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
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Pay attention. This is very instructional!! A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, ' I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG which is God spelled backwards.
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And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
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After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
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And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
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And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
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And God was pleased
And Dog was happy.
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And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
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defer type=text/javascript> if (typeof YAHOO == "undefined") { var YAHOO = {}; } YAHOO.Shortcuts = YAHOO.Shortcuts || {}; YAHOO.Shortcuts.hasSensitiveText = false; YAHOO.Shortcuts.sensitivityType = []; YAHOO.Shortcuts.doUlt = false; YAHOO.Shortcuts.location = "us"; YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_id = 0; YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_type = ""; YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_title = "A Lil Laffter"; YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_publish_date = ""; YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_author = " [email protected]"; YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_url = ""; YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_tags = ""; YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_language = "english"; YAHOO.Shortcuts.annotationSet = { "lw_1220971734_0": { "text": "Gomer", "extended": 0, "startchar": 1667, "endchar": 1671, "start": 1667, "end": 1671, "extendedFrom": "", "predictedCategory": "MUSIC-ARTIST", "predictionProbability": "0.142857", "weight": 0.248672, "type": ["shortcuts:/us/instance/place/ambiguous"], "category": ["PLACE"], "wikiId": "Gomer", "relatedWikiIds": [], "relatedEntities": [], "showOnClick": [], "context": "", "metaData": [ { "geoArea": "4", "geoCountry": "United States", "geoCounty": "Allen", "geoIsoCountryCode": "US", "geoLocation": "(-84.184502, 40.84462)", "geoName": "Gomer", "geoPlaceType": "Town", "geoState": "Ohio", "geoStateCode": "OH", "geoTown": "Gomer", "geoZip": "45809", "type": "shortcuts:/us/instance/place/us/town", "visible": "true"}, { "geoArea": "5.60594", "geoCountry": "France", "geoCounty": "Pyrénées-Atlantiques", "geoIsoCountryCode": "FR", "geoLocation": "(-0.18999, 43.24992)", "geoName": "Gomer", "geoPlaceType": "Town", "geoState": "Aquitaine", "geoTown": "Gomer", "geoZip": "64420", "type": "shortcuts:/us/instance/place/fr/town", "visible": "true"} ] } }; </SCRIPT> An elderly gent was invited to an old
friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was
impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing
terms such
as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin,
etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years
and, clearly, they
were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man
leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these
years, you still call your wife those loving pet
names.'
The old man hung his head. 'I have
to tell you the truth,' he
said, 'Her name slipped my mind about ten years ago and
I'm scared to death to ask her what it
is!'
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ALCOHOL BAD FOR LEGS
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Boy: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Boy: "No, they open wide!" |
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The sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?�?lt;o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!�?lt;o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy is she going to get in big trouble!" <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy.�?<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Then she turned to Mary and continued. "And as for you, young lady, I have three things to say: one, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.�?/FONT> |
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THIS IS A NONPARTISAN POLITICAL JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH
PARTIES!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the
senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the
middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and
standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who
had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answe rs: 'Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I
don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What
happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were
campaigning...
Today you voted.
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An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three
kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes
an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, 'You will be hired at minimum
wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can
get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the
forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.'
Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer
nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, 'You must understand that to a company like
ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail
address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.'
Stunned, the man leaves Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
w allet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb.
crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more
that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arriveshome that night with
several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes
of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy
a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left
their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife
is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the
community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice
trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms
that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of
homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the
business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit
his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mailaddress
in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer
and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,'What, you don't
have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be
today if you'd had all of that five years ago!'
'Ha!' snorts the man. 'If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour.'
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a
janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
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Trivia Quiz: Strange Gardening Facts <FORM style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-BOTTOM: 10px; WIDTH: 487px; PADDING-TOP: 10px" method=post target=_blank> Question 1: What is not true about tomatoes? A: People used to think they were poisonous
B: They are the official juice of Ohio
C: China is the biggest producer of tomatoes
D: There are 57 varieties of tomatoes
Question 2: Which of the following is a member of the daisy family? A: lettuce
B: cabbage
C: brussel sprouts
D: leek
Question 3: What percent of the corn grown in the United States is used to feed livestock? A: 10 percent
B: 30 percent
C: 50 percent
D: 70 percent
Question 4: Which of the following crops makes the top ten list of the most popular vegetables grown in American gardens? A: corn
B: tomatoes
C: cucumbers
D: carrots
Question 5: What was 8 feet 8 inches tall? A: The largest edible fungi
B: The tallest sunflower
C: The tallest tomato plant
D: The largest leaf
Question 6: How old is the longest living bristlecone pinetree? A: about 700 years
B: about 1000 years
C: about 5000 years
D: about 7000 years
Question 7: The fastest growing tree grows at what rate per month? A: 5 inches
B: 1 foot
C: 2 feet
D: 2.5 feet
Question 8: How much did the largest tomato ever grown weigh? A: 4 lbs 6 ounces
B: 5 lbs 8 ounces
C: 7 lbs 12 ounces
D: 9 lbs
Question 9: Which is not a member of the lily family? A: onion
B: okra
C: asparagus
D: chives
Question 10: What is not true about pumpkins? A: They were used to treat snakebites
B: They were believed to remove freckles
C: Most of the world's supply of pumpkin comes from Europe
D: They are 90 percent water
</FORM> ANSWERS: Question 1: What is not true about tomatoes? D: There are 57 varieties of tomatoes
Question 2: Which of the following is a member of the daisy family? A: lettuce
Question 3: What percent of the corn grown in the United States is used to feed livestock? C: 50 percent
Question 4: Which of the following crops makes the top ten list of the most popular vegetables grown in American gardens? B: tomatoes
Question 5: What was 8 feet 8 inches tall? A: The largest edible fungi
Question 6: How old is the longest living bristlecone pinetree? C: about 5000 years
Question 7: The fastest growing tree grows at what rate per month? D: 2.5 feet
Question 8: How much did the largest tomato ever grown weigh? C: 7 lbs 12 ounces
Question 9: Which is not a member of the lily family? B: okra
Question 10: What is not true about pumpkins? C: Most of the world's supply of pumpkin comes from Europe |
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A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs! |
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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm BLONDE doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.<o:p></o:p>
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A Train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they
all perish. They are all in Heaven and trying to enter the
pearly gates past St.Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, 'Jessica, have you ever
had any contact with a penis?'
She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well I once touched the
head of one with the tip of my finger.'
St. Peter says, 'Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the
Holy water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
'Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a
penis?'
The girl is reluctant but replies, 'Well once I fondled
and stroked one.'
St. Peter says, 'Ok, dip your whole hand in the Holy
water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of
girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front St. Peter says, 'Lisa! What
seems to be the rush?
The girl replies, 'If i'm going to have to gargle
that Holy water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her
ass in it!'
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Nicoderm Patch
> Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. > > One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a > Nicoderm patch on it. > > He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to > put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.' > > The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts > a day.' |
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Body Statistics
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb). The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this will be finished now. Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs!
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