God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. <FORM>

1. How did you find out about your Deity?
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Newspaper
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Bible
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Torah
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Book of Mormon
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Koran
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Divine inspiration
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Dead Sea Scrolls
   <INPUT type=checkbox>My mama done tol' me
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Near-death experience
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Near-life experience
   <INPUT type=checkbox>National Public Radio
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Tabloid
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Burning shrubbery
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Other (specify): <INPUT>
   
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
   <INPUT type=checkbox>YHVH
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Jehovah
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Jesus
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Krishna
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Allah
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Satan
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
   <INPUT type=checkbox>God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
   <INPUT type=checkbox>God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
   <INPUT type=checkbox>None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
   
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
   <INPUT type=radio name=li3>Yes <INPUT type=radio name=li3>No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
   <TEXTAREA rows=10 cols=40></TEXTAREA>
   Please indicate all that apply: <INPUT type=checkbox>Not eternal
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Not omniscient
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Not omnipotent
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to allcreations)
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Permits sex outside of marriage
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Prohibits sex outside of marriage
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
   <INPUT type=checkbox>When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Requires burnt offerings
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Requires virgin sacrifices
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Plays dice with the universe
   
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply. <INPUT type=checkbox>Indoctrinated by parents
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Needed a reason to live
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Indoctrinated by society
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Needed focus in whom to despise
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Imaginary friend grew up
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Graduated from the tooth fairy
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Hate to think for myself
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Wanted to meet girls/boys
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Fear of death
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Wanted to piss off parents
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Needed a day away from work
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Desperate need for certainty
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Like organ music
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Need to feel morally superior
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
   <INPUT type=checkbox>My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
   
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false godwere you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Mick Jagger
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Rajanish
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Baal
   <INPUT type=checkbox>The almighty dollar
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Bill Gates
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Left-wing liberalism
   <INPUT type=checkbox>The radical right
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Ra
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Beelzebub
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Barney T.B.P.D.
   <INPUT type=checkbox>The Great Spirit
   <INPUT type=checkbox>The Great Pumpkin
   <INPUT type=checkbox>The sun
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Elvis
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Cindy Crawford
   <INPUT type=checkbox>The moon
   <INPUT type=checkbox>TV news
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Burning shrubbery
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Other: <INPUT>
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration inaddition to God? Please check all that apply.
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Tarot
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Lottery
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Astrology
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Television
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Fortune cookies
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Ann Landers
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Psychic Friends Network
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Dianetics
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Palmistry
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Playboy and/or Playgirl
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Self-help books
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Sex, drugs, rock and roll
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Biorhythms
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Alcohol
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Bill Clinton
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Tea leaves
   <INPUT type=checkbox>EST
   <INPUT type=checkbox>CompuServe
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Mantras
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Jimmy Swaggert
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Human sacrifice
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Pyramids
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Wandering in a desert
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Burning shrubbery
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Barney T.B.P.D.
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Barney Fife
   <INPUT type=checkbox>Other:___________
   
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
   <INPUT type=radio name=li7>a. More divine intervention
   <INPUT type=radio name=li7>b. Less divine intervention
   <INPUT type=radio name=li7>c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
   <INPUT type=radio name=li7>d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
   
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
   Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following:
   
   (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

   Disasters:	1	2	3	4	5
   Flood	<INPUT type=radio name=li8a>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8a>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8a>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8a>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8a>
   Famine	<INPUT type=radio name=li8b>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8b>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8b>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8b>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8b>
   Earthquake	<INPUT type=radio name=li8c>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8c>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8c>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8c>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8c>
   War	<INPUT type=radio name=li8d>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8d>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8d>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8d>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8d>
   Pestilence	<INPUT type=radio name=li8e>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8e>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8e>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8e>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8e>
   Plague	<INPUT type=radio name=li8f>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8f>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8f>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8f>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8f>
   Spam	<INPUT type=radio name=li8g>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8g>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8g>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8g>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8g>
   AOL	<INPUT type=radio name=li8h>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8h>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8h>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8h>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8h>
   Miracles:	1	2	3	4	5
   Rescues	<INPUT type=radio name=li8i>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8i>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8i>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8i>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8i>
   Spontaneous Remissions	<INPUT type=radio name=li8j>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8j>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8j>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8j>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8j>
   Stars hovering over jerkwater towns	<INPUT type=radio name=li8k>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8k>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8k>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8k>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8k>
   Crying statues	<INPUT type=radio name=li8l>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8l>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8l>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8l>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8l>
   Water changing to wine	<INPUT type=radio name=li8m>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8m>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8m>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8m>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8m>
   Walking on water	<INPUT type=radio name=li8n>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8n>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8n>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8n>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8n>
   VCRs that set their own clocks	<INPUT type=radio name=li8o>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8o>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8o>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8o>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8o>
   Saddam Hussein still alive	<INPUT type=radio name=li8p>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8p>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8p>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8p>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8p>
   Getting any sex whatsoever	<INPUT type=radio name=li8q>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8q>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8q>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8q>	<INPUT type=radio name=li8q>

   
   
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
   <TEXTAREA rows=10 cols=40></TEXTAREA>
   

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   If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by December 31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing.Chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10²³, depending on number of beings entered.