"honey, i think we need to paint the ceiling?"

"let me get you another beer!"

"enjoy yourself bob=-----and please turn of the lights when you are finished.......I am so bored  that I am going to sleep now"

"honey, i cut the grass, cleaned the garage, did the dishes, took out the garbage, and put a new radiator in your car, is there anything else you need me to do?"

TODAY is BOB?¿ day.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home.  I figured, let my wife come on.  I'll play it cool.  Let her make the first move.  She went to Florida. 

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

One time I went to a hotel.  I asked the bellhop to handle my bag.  He felt up my wife!

I'm a bad lover.  Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door.  She was wearing a sexy negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home.

I was making love to my wife and she started crying.  I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again.  Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

-- Rodney Dangerfield

 

"sweetie, your feet stink."