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| | From:  masonmama (Original Message) | Sent: 9/12/2008 10:18 PM |
hey everybody....I'm hoping someone out there will have some suggestions for me. My husband, 3 children and I moved from Toledo, Oh. to Spokane Wa. over the summer. It has been incredibly hard leaving the only home my kids have ever really known--leaving friends they've had since they were babies-- and moving to a new part of the country. While it is very beautiful here (we saw 2 moose in our yard yesterday!), and our house is great, my 13 year old son is so homesick, it is starting to worry me. He was always a very outgoing, social, popular kid, but since starting school here, he hasn't spoken to a single person at school, other than teachers. He sits by himself at lunch, and practically begs me every morning to let him stay home. He seems almost obsessed with our old hometown and his friends back there. I am worried he is slipping into a depression. I have spoken with his school counselor, but don't feel she offered alot of solutions...kinda like, it's normal, have him join a club--of which there were like 1 or 2 to choose from, neither of which are really "him". On top of this, I too am incredibly homesick. I so badly want to go home, so it's hard for me to encourage him--although I do--instead of wallowing in it with him. I have to put on the facade of "everything will be okay", when I am worried about whether or not we will ever fit in here. I miss my friends and familiar environment too, but I try to say that, although I am homesick like him, every thing will be okay in time. It's hard because I know just how he feels. Has anyone gone through anything like this with their family? It helps just to talk about it, so thanks in advance to anyone who can offer any advice!---Masonmama |
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| | | From: Shëryl | Sent: 9/13/2008 12:05 AM |
I'm not sure I can offer you any advice but I feel for you and want you to be sure to know that if you want to talk about how you're feeling, someone from this group will always listen. I have never moved any farther then the next town over in my entire life because I didn't want to move away from my mom and dad so I'm probably no help. People do move all the time and I believe most adjust to their new surroundings. It just takes time. 13 is a hard age. They're reaching puberty and their bodies are starting to feel different things so that on top of moving away from friends and family, must be very hard on your son. Does he like sports? My kids made so many friends by being involved in sports. You may have to be a friend to your son, until he feels comfortable making new friends in the area. Was there a reason why you moved? I hope in time you all adjust to your new home. Sheryl |
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I can relate to this situation because at age 12, we moved from Toledo to Michigan and I missed home so much. When I saw the school, I burst in to tears. I'd attended a very large school and this school was an old building with grades 1-12 in same building. Oh I hated riding a school bus. And the kids made fun of how I said Toledo and Ohio and used words like lavatory. People from Toledo have their own dialect. Sorry to say I never did really fit in at school. On the other hand, I lived with my aunt in Toledo in same house I lived in and it's true about you never can go home as it just wasn't my home anymore and the relationships with my friends no longer was the same. Toledo had a good bus system and I could go most anywhere. In the country that wasn't possible. One thing that did help me was the friends I made at our local church. I still keep in touch with one of those friends over 50 years later. School isn't the only place for your son to meet and make new friends. Look for other places like boy scouts, church, sport organizations, etc. for him to find new companions. I adjusted to school a little better when I learned how to play flute and played in the band and met kids from different grade levels. I actually went on to get a degree in music and still have my flute but mainly play my piccolo. Good luck. |
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Thanks Sheryl and justme.....yesterday he seemed a little better--still hasn't spoken to any kids, but just not as depressed about it. I guess it is just going to take time. Sheryl, you are lucky to have always lived in the same place more or less. I always thought it would be fun to move away somewhere cool, but I really see the attractiveness of being in the same place and having that stability, esp. for the kids. Thanks for your words of encouragement. And justmeplayingmypiccolo--it's good to talk to a fellow "Toledoan"! I am actually from a little suburb called Sylvania--are you familiar with it? Where abouts did you move to in Michigan? As I'm sure you know, since Toledo is so close to the border, I am quite familiar with a lot of the towns "up north". It sounds like you went through a lot of what my son is. It just makes me so hurt as a mom to see him have to go through this when we didn't necessarily have to do it (sheryl, in answer to your question, my husband was offered a promotion which we decided to take, and that's why we moved). I feel guilty for putting my kids through all this upheaval. My son's personality has done a 180 from the kid I knew. Hopefully, in time, he will settle in and make some friends. In the meantime, like you said Sheryl, I am just trying to be extra nice to him and be his friend right now. |
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Yes, I'm very familiar with Sylvania. I had relatives who lived there and also drove through it on way to our Michigan home and unfortunately it is near there that my dad was in a fatal auto accident. I grew up in the Irish Hills area and it's so beautiful but I know what it is really like to live in a wilderness area with mosquitoes, horseflies, snakes, bats, raccoons, etc. Nothing like the Horton cabin! lol I have spoken with others who attended the same school and the kids in the village treated the farm and rural kids pretty bad. Kids anywhere can be really cruel. I hope your son finds his nitch and soon makes some friends. I remember in Toledo we had to wear dresses to school and my mom would not believe me when I told her they wore jeans to school! We have lived near Detroit Metro Airport most of our working lives but after retirement we have a place in mid Michigan where we spend most of summer and fair weather at (with the critters). We still maintain our home in Detroit area because of medical care facilities and we are getting old. My ancestors were among the first settlers in Perrysburg in Wood County and then they moved into east Toledo. Because of my dad's work at the bomber plant in Willow Run and then at Ford's after the war, we moved to Michigan. What I missed most was roller skating. There were no roller skating rinks in Michigan nor sidewalks for skating. My brother hated the move so much to Michigan so much he joined the Navy. At least your son is too young to do that. lol |
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How is your son adjusting to his new home? I hope he has made some new friends. At least in today's world of the Internet he can keep in touch with his old friends. |
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Hi Justme....thanks for asking. Jake is doing a little bit better. He still hasn't made any friends, but he is friendly with several kids. He is still terribly homesick, the highlight of his day is his daily call to his best friend back in Ohio. He doesn't dread going to school like he did the first few weeks, but I can't say it's gotten a whole lot better. I think it's just going to take a lot of time. I hope that with time he will make some friends and feel more settled here, instead of hanging on to this fantasy that we will move home. It's really hard--I don't think my husband and I anticipated how difficult this would be on him. Meanwhile, my 12 yr. old daughter is doing great and has made lots of friends. The difference is she is in elementary school still and he is in jr. high. I think that is huge. Anyway, thanks again for asking! It's nice to know that people care.... |
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Sorry to hear that he still is having difficulty adjusting. Jr. High is a difficult time for kids anyway but when economics make is necessary to move, what choice do you have? A year after we moved, I returned to Toledo for a visit and it's just like they say, "You can never go home." After I graduated from high school I went back to Toledo. After about 6 months I returned to Michigan. Hang in there. I taught 6th grade for 30 years so I know how tough it is when kids move on to Jr. High. I had some kids come back to see me and they had problems adjusting and were unhappy. |
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My son and I had this same problem when I remarried and we moved from Pennsylvania to Colorado. He had just turned 12 and his birthday was also a goodbye party to all of his friends in PA. I didn't work, so it was difficult for me to make new friends other than those that were wives of men my husband golfed with. Needless to say, my son adjusted quicker than I did. It took him about 6 months to feel better, then after a year he seemed to like Colorado. He was lucky to have two boys on the same street that were his age, so that helped a lot when they hit it off. But at first, he could not wait to be able to go home on holidays to visit and would be depressed. As for me, it took about a year and a half for me to really adjust. What helped me tremendously was to volunteer at a nearby nursing home. I met people that worked there and would join them occaisionally for a happy hour buffet when they got off work. I quickly made friends that way and now I'd love to move back to Colorado. After my divorce I came back to PA and now I hate it here. LOL! I am sure in time you will all adjust. But you have to join something that interests you in order to meet people you will enjoy being friends with. Especially if you don't work outside of the home. |
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thanks justme and Patty......It's good to hear that others have been through this too and managed to survive! I have been doing a little bit better myself, but am still homesick. I have been trying to find a group to join so that I could meet some people, it hasn't been easy though. It's funny because I used to be at the school all the time when my 13 and 12 year olds were younger. Now that I have one in 6th and 7th though, it's like the schools really don't want or need you there--understandably--so it's hard to meet other parents like I used to. I like your idea of volunteering Patty, my husband actually suggested that to me the other day. The only problem with it is that I also have a 2 year old, which makes it difficult. I'll have to think about a way to try to make it work... The consensus on my son seems to be that this is just the most difficult age to make a move. Poor kid......things were so much easier when he was in kindergarten and I could just arrange a play date for him!! Patty, I lived in Pa. for 5 years when I was first married. What part of the state do you live in? I was in Sharon--about an hour northwest of Pittsburgh. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement, it helps!!! |
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I don't know why I didn't think to mention this yesterday! Anyway I came back to suggest that you check out this site... http://www.meetup.com/topics/ You just put in your area zip code and there are thousands of meetups in different areas. There are mom's clubs, walking clubs, book clubs, you name it and it's there. That's how I found my Salsa meet-up group and found free lessons in my area to boot! I am in Lancaster County (a small town between Lancaster and Harrisburg). Let me know how you make out with that website. I'd really be interested to hear how things are going for you regardless of whether you use it or not. Another thing, some nursing homes allow children at certain times of the day. Start out as a visitor. Talk to the social worker and activities director and see which residents would appreciate a vistor with a 2 yr. old. If there is an activities room available, you won't have to hold onto him/her the whole time as long as he/she is occupied with something to play with.There are many residents that love to see children or pets and just happy to have someone to talk to outside of the staff. But, then there are some that don't take well to strangers, so that is why I suggest checking first. |
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Patty--it's so weird that you mention that meetup group! I just found them last week and joined a group here in Spokane. I haven't attended any events yet, but plan to. It's just a group of women who get together every other weekend to do stuff together--go to winerys, take a walk in the park, etc. I'm glad to hear you recommend the website. I actually have been e-mailing a woman who is a member who lives near me. Maybe we'll get together and meet face to face. It's so different for women. My husband is just like "make some friends, how hard can it be", but what he doesn't understand is that I have years invested in the friends I had. They knew everything about me, and I knew everything about them. For a guy, it's more or less just having some random person to have a beer with or watch the game with. I think it's much harder on women. Thanks for the advise about the nursing homes too. You're right--some older people love little kids. I know I can't go to the grocery store without some older person striking up a conversation with my little guy! I'll have to look into that. I'm trying to look at this as an opportunity to grow as a person. You tend to get so complacent when you are in the same place for a long time. Everything comes easy when you know everyone and everything about a place. It's not easy though!! |
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masonmamma, some elderly people are still living in their own homes. In our area there is a county group for Senior Citizens that provide some services with volunteers for things like changing a light bulb. Some families have seniors who just need someone to stay with them for a few hours while they go shopping or see a doctor. But what you really need is friends your own age with possibly the same interests and values. I hope that website pans out for you and you meet someone who also has had to relocate and is seeking companionship. Do you have any interests which there might be clubs or organizations for in your area such as a historical society, quilting club or such. Also libraries can use volunteers. I know it is hard for your son. I did finally make a BBF in high school and we had so much fun. Then this nasty girl, sort of like Melanie, started a rumor we were lesbians. Her mother heard the rumor and forbid her to associate with me. I've never met anyone before or since that I care for so much and had so much fun with. It was a bad experience but I think it gave me better insight in my teaching career. Sometimes the only thing a parent can do is be there for their kids and let them work it out for themselves. |
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Wow, that is strange that you found that group last week and I mention it now. LOL! I giggled a little when I read that because I was hearing "Twilight Zone" music in my head. LOL! Anyway, it sounds like you are off to a good start with the woman you are talking to online in your area. Maybe you two could meet and at least you'll already know someone when you attend one of the meet-ups. I know what you mean about men. My ex could go to any golf course anywhere in the world and strike up friendships with people as if he's known them for a long time. I tried to become with the other "golf widows" when I first moved out there, but I just never seemed to bond with any of them other than one and she was more my mother's age. (Come to think of it, I'm almost that age now that it's 11 years later...lol!) But anyway, I found that his friends wives weren't neccessarily going to be my friends. We had dinner out with them, but as for one on one time for me, there wasn't much of that happening. I sure was glad I found my own friends. Keep me posted. I really am interested in how it goes for you and your son. |
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oops! I meant to say "become friends with the other "golf widows"... |
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When my daughter went off to college for a summer school session, I had an empty house. I decided to sell Avon. I met people in my area and met other representatives from the area, too. Once a month we had a meeting where all the representatives from the district met to see new products, etc. Once a year we had a hugh meeting where awards were given out and we had bags of goodies to take home. Might be something you might want to consider but don't count on making a lot of money. I've always used Avon products and I got a discount, too. I also joined a local Avon Club for collectors but Avon is not to popular as collectibles now as they were then. I visited that website and within a 10 miles area, I found zilch. Within a 25 mile area I found "scrapbookers" galore. Hmmmm That could be fun. But right now I'm too busy unpacking boxes and moving stuff. Hope your son finds his nitch. |
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