Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs. Chairs & Rugs: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, shag is good. Bathrooms: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything--just sit and stare. Hampering: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other human is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering",: When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen, and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible, or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The working may try to distract you. Ignore it. Remember that the aim is to hamper the work. Embroidery and needlework projects make great hammocks, in spite of what humans may tell you. For humans paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity) keep in mind the aim--to hamper! First sit on the paper being worked on. When removed, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. When a human is holding a newspaper in front of him/her be sure to pounce on the back of the paper. They love to jump. Walking: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. Bedtime: Always sleep ON the human at night so s/he can't move around.