What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? ... Half way.

• I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

• I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.

• Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. Twice.

• I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

• A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

• Q: What does an Olympic fencing hopeful do at noon each day ?
  • A: Leaves his office and goes out to lunge.

• Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

• Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

• A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit

• "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog

• Seminar Topic:
  • "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Phobias But Were Afraid To Ask."

• What is a Quark? ... The noise a well bred duck makes.

• For the academics: The difference between theory and practice in practice is greater than the difference between theory and practice in theory.

• Will Windows95 live long and phosphor?

• What do you get if you cross a parakeet and a parachute? ... Null parity.

• Today is the day for decisive action! ... Or is it?

• I used to think I was indecisive ... but now I am not sure.

• The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

• Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

• I fed some lemon to my cat and now I have a sour puss.

• "Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." - Jonathan Kozol

• "The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread." - Anatole France.

• Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve.
  • Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem.

• For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

• Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

• Shin: A very sensitive device for finding furniture in the dark.

• Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.

• What first appears to be a sloppy or meaningless use of words may well be a completely correct use of words to express sloppy or meaningless thinking.

• Blessed are they who have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it.

• Saying "Gesundheit! " doesn't really help the common cold; but it's every bit as effective as anything the medical profession has prescribed.

• A man walks nervously into a field with a bull. He spies a farmer on the other side of the fence and asks, "Is this bull safe?"
  • The farmer replies, "He's as safe as can be; but I can't say the same for you."

• If a parsley farmer is sued, could they garnish his wages?

• The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
  • I said, "I don't know. ... You can't see out the other way."

• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

• It's much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.

• The idea that no one is perfect is a view most commonly held by people with no grandchildren.

• The most important things in life aren't things.

• These I have never understood:
  • We chop down trees but chop up wood;
  • We draw down wrath, we draw up wills,
  • We run down foes, we run up bills;
  • We eat food up, we down a drink,
  • Which is a little strange, I think.
  • We turn down offers, turn up noses--
  • Just one last thought and then this closes:
  • We should remember, we poor clowns,
  • That life is full of ups and downs.

• A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded. "

• How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolized a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

• In this fast-paced, modern world, it only takes a fraction of the time it used to for a luxury to become a necessity.

• However, when you find yourself convinced that the world is moving too fast, just find a bank or supermarket line to reassure yourself.

• Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

• When you consider the contribution of plumbing to human life, all the other sciences fade into insignificance. -James Gorman