"In Hawaii, a billion-dollar Navy warship has run aground, and they can't get it unstuck. Its name? The USS Economy." -Jay Leno
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"A new study was released listing companies that might not survive 2009. One of them was Krispy Kreme. Also not likely to survive 2009 Krispy Kreme's customers." -Conan O'Brien
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"The pilot of that airplane that hit those geese and then went down in the Hudson River was on '60 Minutes.' The geese were on the Food Network." -Craig Ferguson
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