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| | From:  USAmeetsUK (Original Message) | Sent: 5/15/2007 5:08 PM |
| CANDY'S RULES TO LIVE BY 1. DON NOT FEEL GUILTY 2. BE SELFISH 3. DON'T THINK IT TO DEATH. Sometimes stuff just happens. 4. WHEN YOU KNOW SOMETHING, BELIEVE YOURSELF. 5. CLOSE THE DOOR TO SOMEONE WHO GIVES YOU HEARTACHE. 6. WHEN YOU NEED HELP, GET IT. 7. TAKE CARE OF WHAT MATTERS. 8. NO ONE HAS PERMISSION TO USE OR HURT YOU. 9. LOOK, LISTEN AND DON'T BE AFRAID OF LIVING. 10. FROM THIS DAY ON, LIVE!! | |
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"Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over
50 Years To Learn" by Dave Barry - Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
- Never lick a steak knife.
- The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
- Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. | |
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A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant . If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them
is honking the horn." |
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Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. |
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Boy Phil..you're kind of a brat, aren't you??? | A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE'. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE'. THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE'. HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY,' AND GETS UP AND GOES
BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAIDTO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. 'I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO' '. | |
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| Hey candy thats funny Over here that would be an Essex girl not a blonde. Ive got a joke about someone on a plane too .I 'll try and remember it |
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BRING IT ON STEPHEN !! There's nothing like a good blond/essex girl story  | |
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When I was born God gave me two choices....
(1).... I could either have a  memory....
OR
(2).... Be  in bed !!! ....... 
Shit !!! ...
Now I forgot what I waz gunna tell ya!!! |
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A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Halifax.
When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Digby to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door & got in. The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way I can pass that test." |
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A man on a long haul flight noticed the beautiful young woman sat next to him reading a book titled "Strange But True Sexual Facts" "Is it interesting ?" he asks her "Yes " she replies " for instance,did you know the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and a Scotsman has the thickest?" " oh im sorry " she says " my name is Helen and yours?"
He replies "Tonto McTavish" |
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| well , i thought it was funny |
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Oh Donno..I think it's hysterical. I just don't always see things added..you know I love you to bits..sometimes you can't see all the new stuff...don't you dare stop hun... |
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| Man and Woman Poem WOMAN'S POEM
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who wants to listen all day long.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs for more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows the right answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
_______________________________________________
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a bar, a golf course, a Ferrari dealership and loves to send
me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I
don't give a shit.
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Donno That has to be one of the funniest blonde jokes I have ever heard. |
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| A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's......... I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?? | |
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