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| | From:  şyđney (Original Message) | Sent: 10/7/2008 12:38 AM |
I am continually amazed by the ways my understandings of D/s evolve by virtue of both the P/people I talk with and the experiences I have. I have also come to understand that as I grow as a person, become more aware of myself, and open my eyes and mind to the discussions around me, many of my understandings are challenged in positive ways. When this happens I have the opportunity to reflect and re-evaluate my beliefs as a submissive. Ever since I first came to the Garden over a year ago now, I find myself learning so much about D/s, but also a lot about myself. My interactions with the P/people here have given me food for thought more times than I can count and each time I feel a like I am having a little epiphany. That is, when something really sinks in. The philosophy (for lack of a better word) of the Garden always seems to be one of self-awareness and self-empowerment. And for me and the experiences I have had in D/s, apart from my time in the Garden, never really emphasized such ideals or values. I think as I look backwards what I see is a very unaware girl finding a word to describe the deepest part of her identity (i.e. submissive), but never learning that being submissive does not mean you are suppose to surrender self-respect, integrity or personal power. I think a lot of what I believed about being a submissive grew out of watching people in chat, not having enough experience to weed out bogus information from really valuable nuggets, and the few Men who used the term “Dominant�?without really being aware themselves of the responsibility that truly comes with that role.
So this brings me to why I am writing this. A week or so ago I came into the Garden as Shifting Wind and rose were in the midst of discussing humiliation. What impressed me at the time was the way Shifting Wind described humiliation. First, he described the roles of Dominant and submissive as “acts of transcendence �?to transcend limits, barriers, etc.�? He went on to say that His responsibility as a Dominant is to help the submissive transcend anything that blocks her, thus allowing her to experience her submission fully. Humiliation is then a tool to aid the Dominant in guiding the submissive along this transcendence. I sat there looking at the pc and I let his words sink in for a moment. And then I got it, I understood, and when I understood, it challenged every notion I ever had about humiliation up to that moment. Humiliation as something positive? But how could that be? But then Sir went to say something else. There is a difference in the use of humiliation �?one being as described above, where the submissive is given the opportunity to explore her deepest desires and therefore experience her full potential �?and the other which allows a said Dominant to feel powerful by devaluing or degrading the submissive. So there is a difference between what humiliation could be and what it is sometimes reduced to.
This led me to reflect on my experience with humiliation. I know I love it. I know I love when the Person I have given my trust to calls me certain names or describes ways he wants me to be for Him. I know I have gotten to that place where I am lost in the fever of the moment, hearing myself referred to as a slut or being told to kneel and kiss the Dominant’s feet. I intuited the act of being humiliated allowed me to surrender deeper than I had before and allowed my Dominant to feel very much in control and very powerful. And more than anything I wanted him to feel that way. But when it was over, I really did feel used and that I didn’t matter at all to the Man I was with. As time went on, the more I craved the humiliation, I began to believe I was a worthless, unlovable creature who was lucky to be played with or talked to at all. There was no transcendence, no fulfillment �?what I was left with was a feeling of emptiness and sense of self-loathing. I think on some level I kept asking to be humiliated because at least I was with him, able to feel his Dominance, or some semblance of being together, even if in reality none of that truly existed. I think I knew in my heart the way I was being humiliated was not right or healthy for me. But I believed I loved the Dominant I had devoted myself to, trusted everything he did, and never believed for a moment (however naively) that he would do anything that would hurt me.
Of course, I see the situation different now and perhaps with the benefit of hindsight and a little bit of time away from an overall unhealthy relationship. What I really wanted, what I truly needed was someone to do exactly what Shifting Wind described. In other words, to have Someone show me how, for example, humiliation might help me overcome some of my self-consciousness, inhibitions, or insecurities. Help me overcome them not add to them or exacerbate them. Or for someone to explain that when I call you a slut doesn’t mean that is how I truly see you, rather it adds to the excitement for U/us both and allows you to enjoy the act of crawling, begging and for a brief moment be as dirty of a slut as you desire to be �?enjoy it. I think as I reflect on this now, humiliation used a means of manipulating someone in a weak place in life or someone who is enamored with you as a means of control �?clearly that is wrong and irresponsible. If the relationship becomes built on humiliating someone daily; for instance calling them stupid, insulting them, or treating them in any other depreciating way �?it’s no longer humiliation in the context of safe play, but nothing more than emotional abuse.
With all of this reflecting and introspection, I have arrived at the conclusion how I experience anything in D/s or in life will depend greatly on a healthy state of mind and awareness. Armed with any kind of experience and knowledge enables you to make a wise choice in the Dominant you chose to experience your submission with. And being aware of your own issues or obstacles will allow you to communicate them openly with the Dominant you are with, so that T/together you can move past them or even free yourself of them.
So I guess my question is this: how do you then experience humiliation in a way that allows you to transcend your own personal barriers, after experiencing it before in negative ways? How do you change your mindset or your inability to trust, so that when you are called a slut or told to crawl or beg or anything else, you don’t get that sick feeling in your stomach telling you this is bad to want or desire �?that a good healthy person doesn’t want to humiliated and called a bitch or told to squirm on her belly to her Master????? What does it feel like at the other end of transcending these barriers? How do you reconcile a desire to be treated a like a “bitch in heat�?and also wanting respect from the Man you are with?
These are things I think about now. I know I have never had an experience like Shifting Wind described or that rose shares privately in her relationship. But I will say I see the difference in submissives�?that experience this type of support and care from the Dominants they are with versus those that only know how to be used and thrown away later. The difference is evident in the way a girl carries herself and how she expresses the positive ways her Dominant makes her feel. I am forever impressed by women like this, those who own their submission and give it to Another with great care and thought; women who allow themselves to experience their submission fully and with a sense of both dignity and pride.
I suppose its not just about humiliation for me, but every aspect of my experience as a submissive. I am grateful for discussions like the one with Shifting Wind and rose because they make me think and give me greater awareness of what I am doing and why.
And I will truly be grateful for any feedback or wisdom any of you wish to share.
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As with anything this personal i can only share from what i know for myself. Like anything else in life the best way to start when you're unsure is with baby steps. There is a big difference between being called naughty names while you're romping around (i'm also a big advocate of this!) and really delving into what humiliation can offer your relationship. i find the physical expressions of D/s so much easier lol. It's possible to serve with your body and still keep yourself neatly packed away inside. Humiliation doesn’t allow such barriers. It sounds deliciously romantic to leave yourself so helplessly bare but most of us are all too aware and wary of the downfall looming as a possibility. So what does it boil down to? The easy answer is trust. The honest answer is that trust isn't much without some self confidence when it comes to this kind of play. Knowing what you want to get from the experience is essential because you need to keep it as your guide when you're learning what works and what doesn’t. For me the purpose is titillation... my Dominant's and my own. Humiliation works for me when my face is scarlet and my panties are soaked. Emotional pain is not something i welcome nor seek. Knowing that, knowing that my Dominant understands and shares that goal is another step in the confidence i have. In order to find the 'healthy' satisfaction in humiliation you need to know and be honest with yourself. Name calling is probably the easiest to relate to so for example... Why does being called a slut make me shudder? Is it really something i dislike or is it my perception of the word something that i might enjoy challenging? Are there things that are just never going to be okay? It's not easy to admit where your insecurities are but we all have em! Ignoring them opens the potential for overstepping invisible lines and hurting not only yourself but your Dominant as well. Syd this very much relates back to what you've said about owning your submission and giving it with great care and thought. Unless you're lucky enough to have a psychic Dominant they will be taking their cues from you and your reactions. They will be trusting you to let them know if they've found a sore spot. For me humiliation is a delicious indulgence. There are times where it is very much used as a tool. Sometimes to enhance a scene, to unravel and guide me to where He wants me to be. These times are intense emotionally and by reaction physically. I love them and hate them in the same breath but wouldn’t pass them up for quids. Because of how much we both enjoy it, we've found it doesn’t only get used so directly but is woven into the threads of our interaction in much the same way that Dominance and submission are. The tone and sensation flows from one of loving adoration to sweet, awful discomfort and then back again while barely skipping a beat. Stroking sensation back and forth from silky pleasure to that delicious edge that sends chills along your spine and makes your belly tight. It didn’t start out that way lol. It started out with tiny snippets that more often than not led to me hurrying to close those doors inside me that He was trying to coax open. What all of the time, conversation and experimentation has led to is a much broader understanding and range of ways to please Him and to draw pleasure from. Things that might have once made me roll my eyes like foot worship, objectification now are treasures i eagerly look forward to. Things that might have once terrified me like being displayed and used or being asked to offer up my desires no matter how dark or disturbing they might seem still make me catch my breath but i want to share them with Him and in return i am gifted with the immense pride and pleasure in having Him do the same. It's something we share, another thread to bind us together tightly with wordless looks and secret smiles. Beyond that... it's bloody sexy. |
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| | | From: şyđney | Sent: 10/7/2008 11:25 PM |
dev thank you for that response. It made a lot of sense. You are right, i have to know what is i want from that experience. And i am working on defining that for myself daily. Asking questions or simply observing others discuss things are some of the ways i am doing this. You also said something that rang true, which was the awareness of possible downfall. I am very aware now of what the potentional downfalls exist in humiliation (or any play) and also the factors that contribute to such an unfortunate and potentionally harmful experience. And as you said not knowing what you want or where your limits, insecurities lie, or even doing it with someone you dont know and trust can all contribute to whether you have a good experience with humiliation or not.
I know now i need the trust before anything else happens. I need to know that i will be cared for as i push limits and experiment in new areas. And as you pointed out in your relationship, open and honest communication has allowed you and your Dominant to both get the most from the exchanges you share together. That's so important.
As i was writing that post i was thinking up some of my own answers. Part of that is knowing what i want and dont want from any kind of shared Ds experience. This will translate to all forms play and even down to all the ways i would like to submit someday. Going into something with no idea what you want out of it or even if what you are offered is what you truly want, need or require as a submissive is counter-productive to both P/people. But again, i had to experience the not so good parts to really learn and understand what will work better for me later on.
thanks so much sis for sharing your experience and what you have learned. It was tremendously helpful and enlightening. And agreed on the bloody sexy part. =P |
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