The Pope was due to fly out of Paisley airport in Glasgow early one morning to meet with the Queen for lunch, unfortunately the airport was fogbound when he arrived and the met office advised that it would be several hours before the fog lifted.<O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

Conscious that he had a rather important lunch meeting the Pope decided that that the only thing for it was to drive to London to meet the Queen, a limo was duly arranged, the Pope along with his inner circle boarded and set off for London.<O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

About an hour south of Glasgow the fog began to thin and the Pope asked the driver to put his foot down to make certain that they arrived on time for lunch, the driver replied that he had to stick to the speed limit or else he would loose his job as the Limo company were very hot on speeding, The pope relented and went back to the card game.<O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

30 minutes later, the Pope was becoming agitated at the lack of progress and again asked the driver to speed up, he received the same response, in desperation the Pope said �?PULL OVER AND I’LL DRIVE.<O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

The Pope, now behind the wheel sped of at full tilt, giving it all the beans, they sped down the M6 and was making great time until they reached Birmingham when the Pope noticed the flashing lights of a Police motorcycle in his rear view mirror, he pulled over onto the hard shoulder and waited.<O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

As the Policeman began walking towards the limo he realised what he had just done and radioed his control centre for advice, he was immediately put through to the senior officer and explained the situation.<O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

“Sir, I have just pulled over a limo on the M6 for speeding and just realised that it contains a V.I.P., what do I do?�? “I don’t care if there is a V.I.P in the car, if they were speeding they are subject to the same laws as everybody else �?issue a ticket�?<O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

“But Sir, you don’t understand, this is a very V.I.P�? “I don’t care said the controller�?�?“no but Sir, this is a very very V.I.P.- “I still don’t care, how important can this very very V.I.P. be? asked the controller.<O:P></O:P>

<O:P> </O:P>

“Well - very, said the Policeman �?He’s got the Pope as his Chauffeur!<O:P></O:P>

I went into the cafe, collected my coffee and took the only free seat in the place opposite an elderly gentleman. I could not help noticing the tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Are you OK" I asked. He looked up and replied "I should be the happiest man on earth, I'm 82 years old and I've been married for a month to a 28 year old beauty, she loves me to bits and she's so good in bed I dont even need the viagra any more."
" Why on earth are you crying then?" I asked
"Because" he said " I've forgotten where I live"

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily war status briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.
Finally, the president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

A man is walking along the road when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the garden. The man
goes into the garden and sees a Labrador sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yes," the dog replies. The man says "so, what's the story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I contacted MI5 about my
gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,

sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight

years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm
just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog. "Ten pounds," the man says. "Ten pounds? This dog is amazing. Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and say's " you any idea how to drive this thing"

a man walks into a bar with a giraffe, they get drunk. the man goes to leave, the barman says "you cant leave that lyin' there, the man says "thats not a lion its a giraffe"

 A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open-heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
 She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"
 He replied in a raspy voice, "No, no health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
 He replied, "No, no money in the bank".
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
 He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
 "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God".

The patient replied "OK you can send the bill to my brother-in-law."

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish!