A Mother’s Love
I Too CRY…
Sitting alone with just my thoughts,
My memories of you shine through.
Watching you play and run so free
When life didn’t leave a clue.
Your eyes so blue as the sky above.
Your hair blowing in the wind.
Your screams fill the air
As you rode your horse
With a smile and a grin.
Mommy look at me…
Look and see… what I can do.
I picked this flower just for you.
Keep it close so when we are apart,
You will always remember me in your Heart.
Little did I know that flower would be
A treasure Forevermore.
I cling to your gift with all of my Might
Remembering your days before.
Life has its trials and tribulations,
But losing a child seems More.
Your heart is broken, the pain so real,
As Life continues on.
I too do cry…for you each day.
My memories get me through.
But the flower you gave me,
I keep so close,
It reminders me of YOU.
When I see a dandelion,
I smile through my tears…
Although you are gone from me today,
I know I will see you Play.
With each coming spring,
through the summer time too
Your gift grows to the skies
And when it seeds and blows with the wind,
I feel you glide by.
Written Sept.26th 2003 Butterflymom
My youngest of 6 sons Justin Crossed Over, March 5th 2001 at the age of 5.
He was diagnosed with cancer in 1999.
When all else failed and we knew that cancer would take our brother and son...
what was left to do...was prepare for his death. How do you tell a 5 year old he is going to die.
How do you say...this journey is for him alone...and that his brothers and Mom and Dad can not go with him.
Well as hard and tough as it seems...you just do it! Justin was familar with death, as he felt and saw many of his friends, leave this world...so talking about death was NOT new.
The Dr.'s came in Jan. 2001 and told us Justin had 1 week left to live. My response was...Yes...Cancer will take my SON...BUT not in 1 week...It will be in Justin's time and when he is ready! The next couple of months were spent talking about many things, one included was dying. Talking about what was going to happen to him.
I was BLESSED...YES...I Say BLESSED for what lessons my 5 year old taught me.
First...Justin asked many questions...asking if he would be alone...If he could see us,
and if we could see him. No we could not see him...BUT in our hearts he would always be.
Whether he would be alone NEVER...Angels everywhere. Could he see us...YES...when ever he wanted too.
Justin and I spent many hours taking imaginary trips, Justin practising flying...and telling me all he saw. Told me one day that he could NOT go right now...When I asked why...he stated that everyone else was O.K. BUT...you MOM are always crying...so I can not leave you right now,
because you would be too lonely....Ahhhh...taking care of everyone elses needs,
placing me in the back...forgetting that I above all else had to prepare myself for Justin's flight.
Not with words...saying I'm O.K. but from within....knowing he was going to leave!
Another imaginary trip we took was the two of us on horse back. Going to visit all the people Justin wanted too...bidding them a farewell. Justin would leave me behind to tend to the horses each trip...while he went to talk and see the people he needed to. Again helping his MOM...let go!
Another dicussion we had was about a dream he had one week before he passed.
He Dreamt of a BIG Beautiful Crystal Palace...with lots of people, animals, and TONS
of butterflies (Justin always compared himself to a Butterfly even before we knew he was sick)
He told me that they had a BIG rink there for him and everyone was preparing for HIS party. People were calling him BUT he would tell them NOT YET! Again another why???? Well Mom...
They have to clean my rink somemore (Justin loved Hockey) and there is NO pop at my party.
Through the tears...I had to laugh...right out loud I did, and he said...Well what kinda party is that with out pop? So I sent Dad out to get a case of Pepsi which was placed under Justin's bed for when he flew.
He told me the next day...that when he flew he was going to be an Eagle now. I asked again why...and he very quicky and to the point said: "Well Eagles are BIG and Strong...so no-one can boss me around. Through the tears...more smiles. BUT...MOM I'll be every Butterfly you see,
don't worry!
The early mornings of the 5th...Justin asked me to hold him.For 4 hours...he told me it was his time to fly today. Not to be too sad...It would be O.K. if I cried...because "Tears are Love and you Love me Lots" but he also said...remember MOM I'm always in your heart...only a whisper away.
That afternoon Justin's Oldest brother was going to play a game with him, so I went to the kitchen for coffee. Mail came and I told Justin he had mail. He cheerfully told me to open mine...BUT DON"T READ MINE YET. A few minutes later when I sitting drinking my coffee at the table Justin shouted...K Mom Read my letter...but to yourself K??? This was strange for him, as I would read the letters he received and he then would tell his brothers what was said in each of the letters. O.K. I told him...and again he repeated...BUT...Not Out Loud!
I opened the letter...and the tears began to roll, pouring from my eyes...I could hardly see.
A women we met at the Ronald McDonald House had sent a letter to Justin At the end she signed "Keep your chins-up Love Gram" She never says that or signs that way It is always Love Gramma Vivian. OH....but my Maternal grandmother would say that to me all the time. She had passed well before Justin was even born...She was the only one I truly would TRUST my son with...she had come for my son...to show him the way!
I ran to Justin's side...tears flowing...and he smiled...said nothing...but smiled...I called his brothers and father to his side and said it is TIME for Justin to fly.
He looked at each one by one...with the largest SMILE he had...And FLEW...Proud and Free Like the Eagle he IS!
So to all you members who desperately want to communicate with those Loved Ones who have Crossed...Be Still...Feel the gentle breeze... hear the Wind...feel those Flutterbys Deep in your soul...For those are your Loved Ones...always so close...deep inside you!
Hugs
Butterflymom
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