APsychicAdviceSpiritualityLearning&GrowingHomeofLight

Watching the hearse take our brother and son away from the home he loved was very difficult. All of us stretched our eyes as far as well could see. Tears clouding our vision but feeling the emptiness and loniness set in. The Dr. stayed for about 1/2 hour longer asking if there was anything he could do? I responded through the tears saying YES... Please listen to the parents. When they come in with their child who has been sick. Take the time to HEAR...They truly know when there is a problem. We all thanked him for being there with us, and asked if he would like to come to Justin's birthday party which was on the 28th of April. Justin wanted a bond fire with family and friends and this was still going to happen. We will call it our Celebration of Life Love and Friendship. The only catch is...That the Dr. could come ONLY IF he brought his family with him. He agreed asking us to remind him as the day approaches.

Well here we are...part of our family missing and forevermore. I just sat at the table in silence. Soon all the family was sitting around the table and then the stories and memories were shared. Do you remember when...Yes we all did, and through our tears...Smiles and laughs of how Justin enjoyed every minute of his life. How he lived for the moment and took the challenge before him. We all concluded that Justin truely was a WINNER as now the cancer was gone from his little body and he was FREE to soar the skies, just like the HUGE Eagle he chose to be. Reminding us that every time we saw a Butterlfy it was him.

Sitting together we decided that we did not want the tradition funeral for Justin. No final goodbyes and mourning. We will have enough of our own to deal with. The boys, Brent, Wade and Caleb were to go to a hockey tournament the next day for their school. Brent was the only goalie and we knew the team could not attend if our boys did not go. So the decission was that we would celebrate Justin's life together and what better way than a hockey tournament with family!

Jeremy took Justin's bed apart and made the call for it to be picked up. We had the wheelchair ready to go as well. Wanted all that stuff out...that was the part that left BAD feelings and we needed them to leave. I had a few calls to make...very short but letting people know that Justin flew. Didn't talk long with anyone, just wanted to get the calls out. Called the paper and had the announcement placed in 3 papers. Toronto, Timmins and Sudbury. Funny when you are doing these things, but you then realize that he shared equally, his life with these 3 towns. I had written the announcement earlier so it was just faxing as the payment was already done as well. We added that there was going to be a PRIVATE Family gathering and that April 28th was Justin's day for all his friends to attend. Called my friend to make sure she could come over the next day to make sure the bed and wheelchair were removed and then I called the VON to let them know that Justin no longer needed to be on their list of visits.

That night and for the next few days, you never found one of our family or extended family alone. There was always somethere with them.

Going to the tournament the next day was very difficult for many other people. As we walked in...eyes looked some said they were sorry and others looked away. It is O.K. because it is very hard to realize that Death knows NO age. Brings reality to the surface and a scarey one at that. For you never know!

Between games although usually the team eats together the coaches knew it would be different this time. Our family went to eat together. We toasted Justin with his favorite drink of Pepsi, again shared memories, and then the team started to come to our table. They too toasted Justin. I'm sure the people working were wondering what was going on, as BIG hockey guys were all around with tears in their eyes raising a glass of Pepsi after each memory shared. The guys also had memories to share as Justin never missed a hockey game until he got sick. Yelling and screaming telling the boys what they should do and never even flintching when he would say..."You played really bad tonight!" or "Great game guys...you finally listened!" What a wonderful feeling. I was visiualizing Justin soaring and smiling his biggest smile knowing how much he was Loved.

The next day found reality creeping in. It was a teary day for everyone, but again together we got by. Many calls were coming in and this is what I found very hard. I didn't want to talk about it right now, so the boys just took over there. I gathered some of Justin's favorite things...his M'Leaf hockey shirt, his dream catcher with all the little things that people had given him and he chose to place ever so carefully on it. The boys had the living room back to a living room again. We had requested that donations be sent to the Toronto Ronald McDonald House. A Home away from Home. A Place that Justin loved.

My mind was racing, and I knew that I had to keep myself busy for the next little while. I decided that I would fundraise for the House. I wrote letters up and sent them out. I contacted my Husband's place of work asking them to adopt a room at the Ronald McDonald house, and YES...they did. One month later...a room was adopted by Falconbridge in memory of Justin. We chose to have it called the Butterfly Room, for people who knew Justin would know it was him, and others would love the Butterflies that would be in the windows and walls. They could bring them a sense of comfort and peace.

I wrote many leters and came up with many ideas to raise money for this house that so many people need. I never knew but the Houses are run on the donations that come in. So every bit helps.

I also got involved with NOFCC. Northern Ontario Families of Children with Cancer. This is a non-profit group that helps families in North Eastern Ontario with some of their programs. I wish I knew it was there when I was going through all we did. It was a very small group and they try to help as many families as they can. I came up with many ideas of how to get funds, and now have a weekly bingo that continues today, service groups that gave monies and also on a yearly basis. It was alot of letters and talks to do, tears yes... but the true feelings of how it was.

Now I also had to plan Justin's Celebration of Life Love and Friendship. A open invitation went to NOFCC and their families to attend, family and friends and of course the the Toronto Ronald McDonald House. There could be NO party with out them there. My friend Corinne helped with the decorations in fact for a month we made butterflies till they came out of our ears. It really helped me get through and the bad days would get better when we started to make more for Justin's day. Calls were coming in Kris King could not come and he was very upset, but there was a toasting to him on this day. It is O.K. as Justin will be with you too. Silken was coming and so were people from the house, plus families that we had met at the Hospital as well. Wow this is going to be great. Exactly what Justin would like...he loved PEOPLE!

Boys were getting nervous as here we can still have snow. or slush! I kept saying that is the least of our worries...this is Justin's day and it will be great. I continued on with the plans as the family got even more worried especially when it snowed the week before the event. Again assured them not to worry. This didn;t seem to help them though as they made plans with a neighbour to use the a service groups place if we needed to. I knew it wasn't going to happen like that but hey...

The day was planned from 1 to 5 for the children. Clowns (friends that dressed up) with goodies butterfly stickers and stamps, everyone was stamped with a Butterfly when they came in. Food...wow tons of food, pony and horse rides, games and fun. Goody bags...hey what would a child's party be without the goody bags? Plus in the evening about 6 we would release 6 Butterfly Balloons, my cousin had written a song just for Justin and that would be played at this time...then we would have a HUGE bond fire, with adults. Go till we drop... music, song, sharing and food...again tons of food.

With the help of Corrine, her family and ours, we did it.

Tragedy Turned to LOVE...from everyone. Protecting yet allowing the tears, and sharing. The loniness still there, but again shared with those we loved.

Next will be Justin's DAY APRIL 28th 2001

Hugs

Butterflymom

One week to the day the snow flew...The family nearly had a fit. Saying MOM...We have to change locations. I just stood my ground...No guys watch... I tell you Justin will make sure his day is Special. They really did not like the idea, but what are they going to do? Mom was busy making Butterflies and other decorations for the Celebration of Life Love and Friendship. Corinne and I had enough decorations to add in every tree in the front. I was off to the airport to pick up Angie and Anna. They were coming a week early to get ready as well. We had met the two at the House and if you remember Angei was Justin's girlfriend for life! They were flying in from Winnipeg to share in this day.

At the airport...when they walked in from the plane...tears fell. Oh so good to see them again. All of us just held each other like a group hug that lasted for about 5 minutes. Tears and laughs...so excited to have them with me now. But feeling their grief and the loss of a Great little boy. Got home to Corinne with supper ready and all of us sat down for a talk. More hands to help out. That was going to really help

Well time was fast approaching and calls of who were coming came in. We even had a hotel near by give Special rates for all that were attending the Celebration of Life Love and Friendship. A local grocery store was giving the event buns, juice, pop and some of the hot dogs for free. Oh what a great day it will be.

Night before and all is busy...Family were coming in trying to be the first so they could get a bed....LOL Then the friends...wow...flying in... Some with their children that we had met in Toronto, others on their own. People from all over. Silken was coming that night as well. Hmmm not sure but she may be on the mattress again. LOL

We had people from Toronto, Victoria, Winnipeg, St. Catherines, Mississauga, Heron Bay, Hearst, Timmins and of course the area. The house was packed and we were going to have the best Celebration this town ever had. Neighburs had offered to put people up...but they all wanted to stay here.

Our Neighbour made sure we had enough tables and benches, bringing them over by the truck loads. Friends helping friends heal.

I wanted this to be a Celebration of Justin's Life but...at the same time not letting the people who were coming that did not know us... Know. It was time to sit back and have fun.

Jeremy was in charge of the horses and he had a lot of help from people who came. I had stayed away form the horses since Justin had passed and this morning was the time to go and see Cool Dude. There he was all tacked up looking as Cool as ever. I walked over to a well groomed pony and just cried. Justin loved his pony so...and he was going to be the head horse today. Gosh the felling came rushing in, all the boys were close by as they knew Mom was staying away form Cool Dude. Again all around as I hugged his neck and stroked his head. Ahhhhh...memories again But happy and healing memories of a time when all was well. I don't think there was a dry eye at that time. Even Cool Dude had a tear! This was going to be the first time he was used since Justin had passed.

Time to move on to get things ready for the occassion. Balloons were tied on to the driveway fence and welcome signs put in place. The boys friends were all there to help out anyway they could. Their parents were coming that evening to share in the bond fire. Party was in 3 hours and still had a few more things to do. One of Wade's Friends were helping tieing the Balloons up when the sixth one flew away...he was so upset... wade came to tell me and I laughed. It was Justin's 6th birthday so got 6 Balloons, but I guess he wanted one early to show his new friends. I told Eric it was fine, and with a huge relief on his face he smiled. We watched that one fly to where it was heading.

People all around helping and getting things just the way Justin would want them to be. Neighbours dropping by asking if there was anything they could do to help.

Now I must tell you...WEATHER...relax ...It was the greatest of days. All the snow had melted and the ground was dry. Should not have been, but... Like I said Justin's Day he had great contacts...so that was his job. People started to arrive...oh what a great day...everyone had to have hotdogs as they passed the food stand, we had so many that it became the rule LOL. Neighbours had also made Beans, and salads, plus mucnchies...lots of munchies. There was food all over with hot chocolote, tea and coffee. Clowns came dressed to the nines and children's voices began to ring in the wind.

Area Cancer families came in and rode the horses and some even took them in the side paddock for a try to see if they could do it themselves. Our Dr. from here came as well, and yes had his 2 little girls and his wife. The primary Oncology Nurse here came with her 3 girls and a neighbour. Silken greeted everyone who came and people were snapping pictures left and right.

Corinne and her Mom were at the enterance greeting people and making sure everyone had their Butterfly stamp. Some on their cheeks while others had them on their hands. Now...as people gathered and the Toronto Ronald McDonald House gang arrived with the flag that had it's special place to fly free in the wind...the REAL Butterflies began to appear. People were stunned and amazed. They were not just flying by BUT...landing on people. Those who knew Justin knew it was his sign that all was well and he was having a great time at his party. He even brought many of his new founded friends with him. Never alone, with so much to do!!!

The day was GREAT. A huge success with everyone who attended enjoying the day.

Five o'clock rolled around and people started to leave. The people who were going to stay for the bond fire of course were still here and food was shared by all. Six bells and it was time for the serious part of the Event. Our family gathered, lighting candles to shine in the night. We gathered the 5 Butterfly Balloons that were left and walked the driveway to say a few words and release Justin's Balloons. Together standing strong and full of LOVE. Again not a dry eye. As friends and family gathered around the fire, our family and extended family released the Balloons. Soaring oh so straight right to our loved one, who was giggling and singing. Donnie played his song while we all listened in silence, watching the Balloons reach their destination. I said a few words then asked everyone to join hands around the fire.

A family that we had never met but heard our story from Mississiauga had made us 1000 paper cranes, that we had strung and hung in one of the trees. These people had lost a daughter to cancer and wanted to share their custom with us. It is believed that a family who suffered the same loss would make 1000 cranes, (they made their's out of the sears catalogue) and give them to the new family to help them on their healing journey. At one point the cranes would be placed in a fire helping the pain and lonliness to heal. We gathered the cranes and everyone held on to a part of the circle. I asked that everyone take just a few seconds to let go of their own pains and hurts. Then we added the cranes to our bond fire. The flames roared and colour sprung from the fire... Lighting the evening skies. People stood in silence and watched as our fears left us for that split second.

Families sharing and coming together...sharing the LOVE and Friendship that our Special Boy allowed to happen.

Justin brought us all together to heal...to laugh and smile and remember. A little boy who so needed our family... heals all who ever knew him!

A time NOT to MOURN but to CELEBRATE

Thanks you my Dear Son...for the Joys and Memories.

The Time and Love you gave so freely.

You will be in my heart forevermore.

As you continue your journey....

Love from the Pit of my Being

MOM

Today is your Birthday and you are remembered more than ever.

I know your party will be a good one...with family and friends that have gone before and after you.

I can picture your smile, your blue eyes sprakling with excitiment.

My Dear son...My Love I send to you!

Happy Birthday my Butterfly!

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