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| | From:  JenLNguyen (Original Message) | Sent: 7/25/2008 2:19 PM |
For anyone who is willing to help me, I'd greatly appreciate it. D.O.B.: 12/1/1986 Los Angeles 2:09 pm
Dad's relative birth info (I don't really know it exactly, sad really :
/...) Born in the year of the rooster, western sign: Aries.
Well, it seems as if my dad and I don't get along very well. I'm 21 and still living with my parents, my mom works and my dad is retired so he's at home 24/7 and I'm staying home for the time being until I start work (within the next week hopefully).
I feel as though I'm a disappointment to my dad. I haven't done anything majorly bad (i.e. drugs, theft, deliquincy, joining gangs or the wrong crowd, staying out partying) that I can think of. I think I'm an o.k. kid. I just have issues with my dad's behavior or personality? He's just the opposite of me: arrogant, loud, aggressive, preachy, critical, judgemental, and negative... I don't know. I see him as a guy who just doesn't think of himself as a person who has faults. He finds faults in others but never himself. He's overbearing at times, very intimidating, controlling, selfish, very stubborn and in a way is sexist (saying that women have to be a certain way: cleaning dishes, cooking, do laundry, polite, be proper etc...). Chauvinistic pig?
There are times when I made verbally clear that he ain't the cuddliest man in the world (not in those exact words) and he was furious. He's a man full of pride too.
My dad is the type of dad who would kick you out if you were to do something majorly bad. He would threaten to kick me out and yadda yadda for "_____" reason, but I know he's mostly full of hot air and empty words. But sometimes I question his words and promises...
I just don't like him because of the way he treats me and the other women in this household, my mom and my younger sister. He's always talking down on us, when tiny things go bad it's like he just complains but complaining ain't gonna make things better. Maybe if he were to suggest some modifications and plans to prevent mistakes then we'd be fine.
I guess it's respect that my dad and I both struggle with each other. I wished he'd respect me more (sounds weird coming from a daughter..) or at least be more gentle and nice about wanting things done around the house. I guess my dad holds on to grudges from the past when I called him "not so loving names".
My dad isn't a very loving dad. He doesn't try to talk to me cause we have such a huge communication and cultural gap. My mom and dad were born in Vietnam so that explains the whole sexist view, me thinks. I'm guessing it's because of our cultural gap, he treats and views things differently than I do. Thinking that men should be aggressive and such and that women should be submissive and do house chores and the like...
I just feel scared and anxious whenever I'm at home because I'm afraid that what I do would make my dad angry... I hate it when he gets mad, it gets to me and I cry everytime. One time when he was lecturing me he said that I should respect him and listen to him because he is my "master". I'm not kidding you, he used that exact word, which made me feel like I'm not even his daughter. Maybe it's a poor choice in words, maybe he meant to say "father, authority figure" but in a way it's like he's saying, 'I have every right to treat you like crud and you do as I say.'
I really don't ask much of him or my mom. I do what I'm supposed to do. It's times whenever I ask my dad for permission to let me go out with my boyfriend that I get panicky because I'm always afraid that he'll say 'no'. It's like I base my every action so as not to infuriate my dad or else I won't be able to go out. There was even a time when my dad made a rule that I'm not allowed to be with my b/f whenever I wanted, that I am only allowed to see him once every two weeks.
I'm thinking my parents don't trust me. But what was it that made them lose their trust? I did nothing bad. I'm not out of control, I do as I'm told but I still feel like a victim trapped in my own home. And I know that since I'm 21 I'm fully able to take care of myself (besides the lack of money I have) I could be kicked out of the house. I just wished my dad showed compassion.
I have a guess as to why my dad is so negative and it's probably because most of his family lives in Santa Ana and Vietnam. We currently live with my mom's side of the family, so maybe my dad feels like the odd man out. Maybe that's why he's so grumpy, probably because he just doesn't have anyone to really talk to at times when my mom's away at work.
I don't want to have a heart to heart talk with my dad. I feel as if we have a very distant relationship from the times he made me very upset. And I also feel that he won't change. I try to appease him but it doesn't really make matters better. What did I do to deserve this? I want more freedom but I don't see anyway to achieve it unless I move out or get married...
Any advice, a reading about what I should do or what will happen?
Thanks for putting up with this long post, I hope none of you passed out falling asleep while reading this.
-Jen
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I don't really know what to say. Do you have any older male relatives that you could ask advice from, or maybe someone that knows your parents? How does your mom react to what is going on? If you have no other person to help you, you are going to have to set some of your own boundaries or stay there and keep putting with the "stuff" I think you can be polite and respectful and loving, but still stand up for yourself and tell your dad what you will put up with and what you wouldn't. If he gets upset that is his choice, and you walk away telling him when he calms down, and when he can talk to you with respect the conversation will continue. See if you can find some place to stay for awhile. Take your power back, he will continue this behavior until you stand up for you. There is no easy answer or advice, you have to take responsibility for you and whatever choices you make. Cultural differences can't only be understood for so long. Maybe someone else will have more ideas. Hang in there. |
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Thank you so much Mystic. Yeah, I do have a weakness when it comes to standing up for myself...
My mom puts up with it too, sometimes she doesn't react. But other times she defends herself when she really has to. But it doesn't make him realize.
But yeah, if I'm gonna want respect as an adult, I'm going to have to tell him that and show him too.
Thanks again, Mystic. |
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