Hi Angie,
it is very good that you can remember what you were like before smoking, and you will certainly get back to this true you when you have quit. Even better: You will be an Ex-Smoker. You will be able to appreciate the new/old life, and it will be so much better than smoking.
I understand that it must be difficult to quit when you husband still smokes. Nevertheless, you are quitting for yourself only. You are whose health is at stake, and you are the only person who can save you. You know how it works: When you were quit for 20 days once, you were already past the worst. Your body was nicotine-free then.
Joel has already given you some very good information on the cancer-by-quitting topic. Your husband would definitely be better off without living his nicotine addiction. He will not gain weight if he watches his eating and drinking and does enough exercise. He will be just fine.
You write that you "can’t bare the thought to watch him kill himself and the only way for me not to go crazy is to throw myself into the same denial." Is that junkie thinking or a constant trigger? It might be a trigger for a few days. However, even the most persistent trigger vanishes one day. It is definitely junkie thinking though. You want to do something to change both your lives?
If you quit, and live a happy smoke-free life in front of your husband's very nose, you never know, he might follow you soon because he envies you. He might see what a miserable life he is leading as a smoker in comparison to you, being your beautiful, radiant, healthy self. But again, your first concern should be you!
Give it a go. Life together is too precious and too short as it is. No reason to make it even shorter.
PinkFlowers
Gave it a go on 2 March 2005